Loving Your Success Blog

Seven Tips for Releasing Toxic Relationships

2012-01-30T22:48:00.003-05:00

Recently, I had conversations with a few people who all wanted to learn how to let go of a toxic relationship.

Here are some clues, some tips, some food for thought, and an invitation to do whatever releasing you do with utmost compassion for yourself! These are strategies I've learned, mostly from personal experience. I've als0 used them with counseling clients quite a few times. These are not easy, but they are effective.

For my readers, here is the lasered version. The key is, these tips work if you work them. They are not overnight cure-alls. Not every tip will work for every person. But if you choose a process that sounds like it fits for you and stick with it for about a month, you are likely to realize good results.

Here is what doesn't work: choose a strategy, do it today and decide it didn't provide a major change so it is worthless. Pick another for the next day and chuck it for the same reasons. Decide I don't know what I'm talking about and continue doing what you've been doing that brings you misery. Depending on whether you are accustomed to inner work with yourself, these may take some practice. If you are dealing with your own mental health issues or have gone through a dramatic or violent relationship, you should consider professional counseling/psychotherapy help.

Note: I highly recommend that you use a short prayer any time you begin a process, asking that it be for the highest good of yourself and all concerned. Personally, I tend to ask for "Light for the highest good with harm to no one." Some people ask for Light for "this or something better" for the highest good. To me, Light means the Light of God, the highest Light you can possibly imagine.

Tips for Releasing a Toxic Relationship
1. Focus on something other than the person you have broken up with or want to break up with, or who broke up with you. Stay busy with positive, productive activities -- exercise, volunteering, studies, chores, work.

2. Give yourself 10 minutes to worry or grieve about this toxic person. Set a timer. Really get into it if you need to. Then stop! Get busy with your life. Your life is for you. Live it!

3. Love yourself. This is an incredibly powerful strategy if you will do it consistently. A wonderful beginning for transforming your relationship with yourself is to do this simple practice daily for five or six weeks. Keep track on a calendar. If you miss a day, start over!

Look in a mirror, into your own eyes, and tell yourself (Your Name), "I love you."

It may not be easy at first. When I first did this, day one and two were ho-hum. Nothing of note happened. But for at least the next week, every unlovable thought about myself popped to the surface and made it hard to say and to believe in that "I love you." After that phase, it got easier and downright delightful.

The reason it is important to stick with this process for several weeks is that you are training your conscious and unconscious mind in a new habit, a new way of thinking about yourself. The unconscious especially likes repetition and routine, and will cooperate more fully when you are really consistent with your new "instructions" to yourself.

4. Do journal writing about what you are learning about yourself and your life from this painful or toxic experience. What do you want or need to do differently? What are the causes or triggers of your involvement in this relationship? How did you get into it? You can trace your way back out the same way you went in.

5. Be a neutral loving observer of your own process. Research at the University of Texas and several other universities is showing that self-compassion is a huge key for resilience and recovery in challenging situations such as ending a relationship. Watch and learn and grow from what it happening. And be very gentle and kind with yourself.

6. Forgive yourself for any self-judgments about your participation in this relationship. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as needing this painful experience in some way. Forgive yourself for judging your "poor" choices and any other self-judgments that spring to mind. This is another extremely powerful tool when you do it. Five minutes before bedtime on a consistent basis could be very helpful. Say your statements of self-forgiveness silently, inwardly, or out loud, or write them in your journal. Watch for the shift in your energy that lets you know you've moved from doing these statements mechanically to really letting the forgiveness in. You start to feel lighter, more clear inside.

7. Learn about co-dependent relationships. If you feel you need to apologize for your own anger toward this person, stop! Look at the pattern or dynamic between you. Do you feel victimized and hurt, then get angry and lash out at the other person? Then you feel a need to rescue him or her and make it all okay again because you are rather desperate for love and approval? Get hold of any of the good books about co-dependent relationships and read. Or try Co-dependents Anonymous to learn to release the mental and emotional habits that keep you trapped in unhealthy relationships.

Bonus Tip:
8. Cut the energy between you. More and more research is showing the power of the mind over the emotions and even over physical healing of the body. Beliefs are amazingly powerful. Here is a simple process using your creative imagination, based on ancient Hawaiian beliefs about the aka cords or energetic connections between people.

Do this one when you are emotionally ready to release the other person. Do it as many times as necessary if the attachment seems to reoccur.

Ask for Light for the highest good for this process, with harm to no one. Vividly imagine (see, feel, or talk to yourself about) a golden cord between you and the person you want to release, usually from the area of your stomach to the area of their stomach. Now imagine a large pair of golden shears in your hand, and cut the cord between you, near your stomach. Take the end still attached to the other person and send it back to them. Now imagine that you are being filled with a beautiful clear Light from the highest heavens, healing and restoring you. Now get up and do something useful in your life!

I hope some of these tips are useful. Feel free to post a comment about how they work for you, or with questions.

All the best to you!

50 Really Useful Things I Learned from Mom

2012-01-30T21:41:00.004-05:00

My mother is having a big birthday soon. As I prepared to send her card this morning, I wanted to write a poem or somehow say something special. But when I scratched out my thoughts, the words were too schmaltzy and didn't say what I wanted. So I thought to thank her by listing a few of the many things I learned from her.

A big part of my success as a human being is thanks to my wonderful mother! Plus, I certainly learned about loving while toddling at her side!

1. Respect yourself.
2. Take care of yourself.
3. Have fun.
4. Reading is fun!
5. Life is good.
6. You can be and do anything you really want.
7. Don’t be kissing boys in public.
8. Be nice to everyone.
9. Lock up your valuables.
10. Smile like you mean it, with your eyes.
11. Keep plenty of food on hand.
12. Put things back where you got them.
13. Indulge yourself from time to time.
14. Stay in touch with your family.
15. Maple syrup and pecans on vanilla ice cream are yummy!
16. Keep on loving in spite of disappointments and hurts.
17. Be proud of your good work.
18. Baking soda in water settles the tummy.
19. Laugh a lot, life is funny!
20. Back rubs are fabulous!
21. If you don’t understand, ask.
22. Choose good people for friends.
23. Think ahead and be prepared.
24. Check toilet seats before you sit.
25. How to tell a good story.
26. Play fair.
27. Help is available, just ask.
28. Be creative.
29. Help each other.
30. Bargains are better.
31. Let people grow in their own way.
32. Brush your teeth and bathe.
33. Tell the truth, except about ugly hats.
34. Fold up a clean sheet of paper and make a budget.
35. Save some money.
36. Make your bed every day.
37. Hold onto your purse and your keys.
38. How to cook a pecan pie.
39. Always do your best.
40. A little of this and a little of that can be good, but sometimes you need to follow the recipe!
41. It’s okay to get mad, then get over it.
42. Always wear clean undies.
43. Work hard and save some money.
44. Be gracious when your partner misbids.
45. A lousy experience makes a funny story!
46. Clean up after yourself.
47. Stay out of bad places.
48. Use coupons and buy loss leaders.
49. Be true to yourself.
50. A wonderful mother is the best gift. You’re it!

Meditation Changes Your Brain for the Better

2012-01-27T14:12:00.003-05:00

This is a postscript to our discussion of meditation in class.

Here is a newsletter article from Lynn McTaggart, who has written several books about the latest research on brain-mind connections. This article is about how practices of memorizing and of meditation create very positive physical changes in the brain.

http://www.lynnemctaggart.com/blog/160-change-brains-not-minds

Remember, you don't have to empty your mind of all thoughts in order to meditate. Simply focus on your breathing, a positive word or phrase of your choice, and let yourself move into the peace within. If thoughts are present, just let them be there and keep focusing on your breath or the sound you have chosen. If you are off entirely on thoughts, gently bring your awareness back to your breath or the sound. Enjoy the process. Start with just a few minutes and gradually increase your meditation time to suit your needs and schedule.

Have a terrific, calm and peaceful day!
Dr. Marrin

2012-01-24T18:37:00.004-05:00

Still on the subject of overcoming procrastination, here is a link from Psychology Today
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200308/procrastination-ten-things-know
to a good article on procrastination -- why you do it and how it is harming you.

And here is a link to an in-depth article from Cal-Poly designed specifically to help students overcome procrastination: http://sas.calpoly.edu/asc/ssl/procrastination.html

I thought the Psychology Today article was especially telling when it indicated that procrastination can be a rebellion against a very authoritarian, strict parent.

Let me know if you find some useful ideas in these articles. Dr. Marrin

Get in Gear by Starting Your Project Now

2012-01-24T13:03:00.003-05:00

Here's another way to tackle overcoming procrastination. I learned this one from a brilliant man named Wally Minto, back in 1980 or so. He taught Alpha Awareness Training, to help people gain attunement with their natural intuition.

If you are a person who has lots of projects underway, and jumps from one to the other without finishing them, it can look like procrastination. A key that Wally shared is this: You are good at starting things. Starting things makes you happy. So when you have a project underway, talk to yourself about starting to work on it now. Vividly imagine starting your project right now. Get excited about starting on it!

Example: You made a brave start on research for your term paper soon after it was assigned. But your notes are just sitting there and you have no energy for finishing the task even though the deadline is next week.

Don't focus on finishing. Focus on your project like this:

I get to start working on my research paper now! I'll start the next piece of it, now! Do as much as you feel like doing, as long as that energy lasts.

Later, come back to it and start again. Do another chunk with renewed energy. Come back as many times as needed and START working on your paper. Pretty soon you'll be starting the ending and it will be complete.

Hope this is helpful to a few of you.
Many blessings, Dr. Marrin

Overcoming Procrastination

2012-01-24T12:45:00.003-05:00

I just read all the getting acquainted mini-essays from my students this term. The number one issue reported by an amazing number of students is procrastination.

It was an issue for me when I was a student. I'd have a paper to write and -- in my first year of college -- would sit up all night before it was due, typing frantically, making it up as I went along. By my junior and senior year, I'd learned to pace myself and get started earlier.

But even in grad school, many maturing years later, if I had a big paper due, I would suddenly get a compulsion to scrub my kitchen floor on hands and knees, or to thoroughly clean the fridge and freezer! Looking back, perhaps this was a way to build my active energy to get started on the paper. I certainly built a level of angst, enough to get me mobilized at last.

Here's a true story they I often share with students when this subject comes up in class. Years ago I wanted to incorporate a non-profit organization and I was referred to a young lawyer named David for the pro bono work. He met with me, gathered the information he needed, and promised to get back with me soon. Based on previous experience with lawyers, I had no idea when that would be. But by the end of that week, he came looking for my signature and my little organization was in business.

I commented on his promptness. David then explained that he used to have a terrible problem with procrastination. It got him trouble in college, in law school, and then with judges who were highly annoyed when he missed court deadlines. But, he said, he changed his life with three words.

I eagerly asked his magic secret.

"Do it now," he said. He told himself these words thousands of times daily for a quite a while. After a bit, he started moving his body to do the things that needed to be done. By the time I met him, he was a successful young attorney, someone that people would point to as a guy who would not mess around, but would get good work done on time.

Since sharing this bit of my history with students, I've had a few each semester who come back to me and say this approach really helped them.

It's one of those things that works if you work it. If you just read it and say, "Sounds good," nothing happens. If you start creating new neuron connections in your brain by repeating the instructions to "Do it now," and then you start moving your body (even your eyes over the written words of your assignments) you will quite likely find yourself making the changes you want to make.

If you're a procrastinator, what do you have to lose? Have fun with these three little words. Use them like a mantra for the next month, any time you're doing simple chores, walking, chilling on the couch, sitting in the bathroom -- any time that your mind doesn't have to be actively engaged with talking, thinking, problem-solving -- and see what happens in your life!

Creative Study Tips

2011-07-20T20:51:00.004-04:00

Today I met with a few students to figure out ways they could improve study skills. Here are some of the suggestions I made. These tips are specific to unique learning needs and go beyond the standard approach of read, take notes, recite and review. They are creative ways to make life as student more successful and less stressful! If you need to spiff up your approach to study, experiment with any strategies here that appeal to you.

For the Hands-On Learner
For the person who considers herself a very "hands-on" learner and has a hard time with abstract concepts, I said find an example of the idea and then imagine it very vividly. Make it as real in your imagination as if you were experiencing it in your life. For instance, if you are learning about ADHD, imagine what it would be like to have your mind racing in high gear all the time, to feel fidgety, to keep switching from one task to another, to do many things at once, and to feel irritable and edgy because no one understands why you can't sit still. See if you can imagine yourself in the skin of someone with all the symptoms you are reading about. Think of people you know who might have a diagnosis of ADHD and reflect on how their behavior fits with what you are reading. Does this match with what you imagined?

For the Sleep-Deprived
One student works a night shift and doesn't get enough good sleep, so tends to drift off every time she sits to read the textbook. I suggested she stand up to read her text. Put a box on a counter to lift the text to a convenient reading height, and make notes in a notebook or on index cards. Read for ten minutes, take a break and do a simple chore or just stretch and move for a minute or two. Then read and take notes for ten more minutes. Take a longer break when needed, but keep coming back to the text for more short reading sessions.

Zoning in on Key Words
One student had overwhelmed herself trying to memorize the entire definition of each new term highlighted in the text. I told her to figure out the key words in the definition and only highlight or take notes on those. In addition, write down a brief example that illustrates the idea, in her notebook or on flash cards.

Looking up Unknown Words
A number of students were skipping over words they didn't really understand, trying to make sense of the text in a general way. I strongly suggested using a dictionary to clarify. It will take more time at first, but they will quickly enrich their vocabularies and find studying gets easier. Not to mention, they will actually understand what they are studying!

Supplementing the Text
Another student wanted more interactive learning tools but didn't want to spring for the fee for materials available with our textbook. For him, searching on-line for a video related to his interesting or puzzling topic could be useful. For instance, curious about biological clocks and circadian rhythms, he could Google "video circadian rhythms," or "psychology video biological clocks."

Hope these tips are helpful. Good luck with your classes!

Frugal Times Tips

2011-07-19T22:20:00.003-04:00

Usually when I'm washing dishes, I think of living skills I'd love to share with my students as they struggle to make ends meet financially, but these tidbits don't fit neatly in the boundaries of a psychology class!

We lived for a while in the beautiful state of Vermont where Yankee thrift is a virtue. An old New England saying is, "Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without." Along those lines . . .

Plastic Tubes and Squeeze Bottles
Did you know that plastic squeeze bottles -- anything from mustard to toiletries -- may be convenient but can rip you off? If you throw them out when you can't squeeze any more goo, you may be losing as much as ten percent of your purchase. Of course, the manufacturer is happy because you'll be buying a replacement!

Instead, use sturdy scissors or a serrated knife to cut the tube or bottle in half. Scoop out the remaining mustard or ketchup for your recipe. With tubes of moisturizers, you may find another week's worth of product clinging to the sides. With clean fingers, scoop what you need and put one cut end of the tube over the other, forming a cap to keep the rest clean until you use it up.

Found Money
Go through your house room by room, drawer by drawer, on a money search. You may find odd change and bills tucked in random pockets, boxes, books, etc. Also round up items you meant to return for a refund, bottles to recycle for cash, etc. Go get your money back on these things. In the search process, are you finding items you could sell on Craig's List or at a garage sale? Get busy! Now do something smart or fun with your stash of cash! Save it for your favorite goal, buy groceries, or treat yourself to something special.

Tightwad Gazette
For the homemaker who wants to be smartly frugal, I highly recommend Amy Dacyzn's three book series, The Tightwad Gazette. She published a newsletter in the early nineties, before email was big, and compiled her own ideas and many reader responses into the books, which are a treasure trove of helpful ideas for saving. Even though I don't have children, I got inspired to adapt and try a number of her ideas. Get these books at your local library or invest in used ones from Amazon.com. You'll never think of frugality as a dreaded necessity again!

Overcoming Student Discouragement

2011-07-19T21:46:00.004-04:00

Tonight I've been puzzling over how best to help my students (Introduction to Psychology) learn more effectively. At this point, almost everyone in my class seems to want to do well, but many are not well prepared for college level work. They sincerely want to improve their lives via a college education, and it is a shock when they get test grades in my class.

As in any group, there are unique versions of needs for study skill improvement. Some students have been laid off in the downturned economy and are aiming to change careers. Some struggle to understand abstract concepts. Some don't grasp all the vocabulary and are not accustomed to grabbing a dictionary for help. Some procrastinate. Some work and raise families and have little time for study. Some tell me they need hands on learning activities. Many are of the first generation in their families to attend college. Others are immigrants struggling with English as a second language. In this class, I have one tenth grader and a few middled aged adults as well as a group of traditional college-age students.

My message today as I went over the grading procedure in more detail was, "Don't give up. Hang in there and attendance and the term paper will likely help to pull test scores up for the final average."

If you stick with this class, show up and do the work to the best of your ability, you are likely to surprise yourself with results. My philosophy is that test scores are not the only way to measure learning. Participation, self-reflection papers and the self-nurturing project/critical thinking term paper are all ways to demonstrate learning of many of the principles we are studying -- in a more hands on way.

Your persistence will pay off in other ways. You'll work hard in this class, but you will apply the learning to your own life. You'll discover the value of choosing education as a priority and letting go of some other activities so you can dig in and do the learning. You may actually find your own best new methods of studying. You will internalize ideas that will serve you for a lifetime, helping you to understand yourself and others.

Keep turning the pages, keep making notes. Stay awake in class. Be present physically and mentally. Ask questions. Take care of yourself. Use everything for your learning and growth!

May 2011 Student Comments

2011-05-09T21:09:00.005-04:00

Even though we learn a tremendous amount from the text -- facts and theories -- my Intro to Psychology classes are never the same. Students add so much with questions, opinions and examples to share. And it seems that those who stick with the class come away with very positive perspectives. Here are a few comments from the personal evaluations I ask students to complete (anonymously) as I don't see official ones for many months. Yes, I am tooting my own horn here, but thought these comments might inspire and encourage new students.

What I liked about this class:
"I honestly liked everything about this class, from the humorous involved lectures to the great overall teaching and examples. I also liked how open to questions you were."

"Going into this class, I thought it would just be a clas that I did work and received a grade. After the second week of class, I was very excited about the class. I loved learning about everything that goes on within myself and others. During this class I was able to learn a lot about myself."

"I liked this class because it expanded my thinking. It made me a more open minded person and more tolerant to other people."

"The interaction with other people when we did in-class projects together. That helped explain things more in depth than the lecture."

"I like the way Dr. Marrin teaches. I like the way she is accepting of everyone's opinion. She is very considerate and understanding."

"I like the group activities. I also like that the teacher encouraged class discussions and allowed you to ask questions whether they be silly or intellectual."

"I liked that it allowed you to think in different perspectives. It let you see yourself and things around you different."

"Text -- outstanding!!! Makes it possible to learn enormous amount of material -- great graphics, real people, concept reviews, summary tests -- great!
"Your caring approach to each student, your honesty about knowing/not knowing particulars -- psych is a huge topic."

"I've always been interested in the basics of psychology and I feel you have done a superb job educating myself and the class. You're passionate about the subject, you exude a lot of energy, and that makes for a fun and memorable learning experience."

What I learned from this class that is not testable
"I've learned to be more patient with myself, to be more understanding with myself, and to listen to myself. I have a lot of work ahead of me. The feelings I have about depression and death will get better if I just be honest with myself and keep working on the present."

"My actual self-image is more negative than what I expected, or what I would hope for. And, ways to remedy that issue."

"I learned that you can't change everything at one time in your life. Life is a process and steps have to be taken slowly in order to change in your life."

"I learned not to mismanage my time so much."

"To be more self-forgiving and less judgmental on myself and sometimes with others."

"I've learned how to avoid judgemental negative peope. I also learned how to become better at blocking out the same negative energy. Before, I did not know how to do this."

"I learned how to look at people for who they are. I also learned how to deal with people with disorders, or on drugs, even how to interpret dreams. I learned what happens during my fiance's short term memory loss. I learned why my kids act and think."

"From this class I learned that person can actually change themselves from learning what is going on within one's self."

". . . Self-awareness. I am more aware of my thoughts, emotions and decisions I make. Overall it's a positive life experience."

"I became more aware of my feelings and actions. I became more of a listener from this class. I try to relax more and meditate. "

"Everyone has hard times. We are the same in so many ways. Never give up."

"Behaving myself, how to treat my child, and how to be more confident about myself."

"That it's great to express yourself. It can actually help you get through the rest of your day."

"One thing that has helped in many ways is how to forgive myself."

"How to properly meditate."

"Exercise and positive thoughts can really lower depression -- I proved this to myself. "

A Student Learns to Love Herself

2011-05-05T21:00:00.004-04:00

Ha! Here is another end-of-the-semester entry!

I am always blown away by my students and their personal learning and growth. My Intro to Psychology classes cover a lot of facts and theories, but I offer multiple opportunities to apply the material to students' own lives.

This semester, I'm especially captured by one young lady who saw herself as painfully shy and having extremely low self-esteem and self-confidence. For her life-changing experiment, she chose to tackle these large issues. At my suggestion, she went for some powerful positive self-talk statements (affirmations) which she repeated three times a day. She also looked in her own eyes in the mirror daily, telling herself, "I love you." My suggestion was that she aim for 33-35 days in a row of the mirror strategy, and if she missed a day to start over. She also simply kept track of how many times she spoke to strangers each day, and she wrote short journal entries about her experiences in the evening.

Her paper, analyzing her experiment, was brimming with enthusiasm over her skyrocketing self-esteem and confidence. Instead of choosing one or two positive statements from the "brainstorming" list I provided, she memorized the list of a dozen or so short statements and used them all. As I recall, her list ended with, "My life is a creative adventure of self-discovery."

Since she is an artist, this dovetailed with her personal goals.

She said, "I learned to love myself! I love myself!" From self-ratings of zero on esteem and confidence in her pre-treatment week, she soared to eights, nines and tens by the post-treatment week. She discovered she could give herself the love and nurturing that she had been longing for, and when she did, the esteem and confidence naturally lifted. She plans to continue these strategies to maintain her exciting progress as she prepares for the shift to a four year college in the fall.

I don't keep student papers, so can't quote her exactly, but I was smiling all over and had tear-filled eyes as I completed marking her paper.

What Tickles Me Today

2010-12-14T20:11:00.006-05:00

Wanting to do something and sitting down to do it are two different things . . . especially when it comes to my updating this blog! My teaching semester is winding down. I am not quite "in my body" because of a minor car accident today -- sliding on the ice! -- and couldn't think of anything upbeat to write about. Here we go . . . I'm grateful to the telephone pole that stopped me from sliding right out into traffic on Telegraph Road!

Checking email, I discovered I now have eight active accounts! Plus Facebook and a couple of other networking sites I seldom use. This tickles me. For someone who with great trepidation purchased her first (very primitive) word processor from Montgomery Wards in 1987 or so, I'm now really involved with technology. So much change in 23 years! I also updated my cell phone, only because the dinosaur died, to a new Blackberry and I have hopes of learning to use more of its features and adding apps. Whoo-hoo! My younger readers may not appreciate this, but it is a big deal.

Something else that has changed in the past 23 years is me! In the last two weeks, I've had students guess my age at 25 years younger than reality, and I giggled all day. Today a kind young service station manager described me to an equally kind police sergeant as "an older lady," and convinced the busy officer to take my accident report, so I don't have to make a special trip to the local police station. It's all relative! I'm grateful to be seen as younger, and to be seen as older. Amazing.

Another ordinary moment of note: I got a Christmas card from a cousin, including a couple of journal notes, memoirs about his childhood and parents. I was astonished to learn that he spent his first seven years with a grandmother and only met his parents when his grandmother was too ill to care for him. I find myself warming with affection that this 60-plus gentleman would bother to share his recollections this way.

My students continue to amaze me. Each one gives me glimpses of a special life story. Many have dramatic stories unfolding even as they are striving to study and pass exams.

One student confided about being accused of a crime he swears he didn't commit. Another had major surgery but was back in class three weeks later. Several are diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and struggle to concentrate, and with whether or not to use their prescriptions to help focus. One was unexpectedly served divorce papers a week before finals. In the last two years, students have confided about their dreadful war experiences (shooting and being shot or bombed), rape, history of sexual abuse, family suicides, family murders, fire that killed an entire family, and domestic violence. Others struggle with depression, bipolar disorder, general anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorder, and social phobias such as extreme shyness and even schizophrenia. Some are veterans of recent wars, and some would protest any wars. At one college, my students are a marvelous mix of Arabic, African American, Chinese, Mexican-American, Phillipino, French, Canadian and Anglo-American. Many are young, including a few high-school students doing advanced placement classes, and some are middle-aged or entering retirement years. Very few could fit the stereotype of a typical 18-23 year old middle-class college student.

I am grateful to touch their lives for a few months, to share my perspective on life along with a broad overview of contemporary psychology. I am grateful that we laugh a lot in my classes, and that in spite of their personal challenges, the students keep coming back, always wanting to learn.

When I began consistent college teaching (in contrast to teaching professional working adults), I felt frustrated that today's students "can't read, can't write," and don't seem to learn the same way my contemporaries and I learned. Now, I've come to think that perhaps our changing world is creating a need for a new breed of learners. Maybe today's students don't really need to learn masses of information, and don't need to master the same old ideas. Instead, maybe they need to know how to find information, recognize when it is accurate and useful, and how to experiment and adapt within a world that keeps leapfrogging into unexpected futures.

I work daily to adjust to my own challenges, and I'm grateful to my students for teaching me a gazillion new ways to keep going in spite of the obstacles in life. I'm privileged to be a neutral compassionate observer of their process of forging new pathways to self-discovery and success.

That tickles me too.

Until next time . . .

Keeping Your Cash -- Savvy Savings for Students

2010-07-18T21:02:00.005-04:00

Several of my current students are doing experiments on money management -- always a hot button for students! I thought I'd share some of my favorite frugal tips because I've learned over many years that paying attention to the littlest savings can add up big over time! Let these tips inspire you to find small savings in your life, and let those little savings add up to big bonuses over time.

Shampoo Savings: Cut your shampoo with water. Save your next empty bottle and use it to mix about 1 part shampoo to six parts water. You'll still get good suds but your shampoo will last about six to eight months instead of six weeks or less. Savings: about $36 per year.

The Razor's Edge: Let your razor blade dry thoroughly between uses. Shake the water off and put it in a dry spot. A cheap disposable razor will last up to two or three months. Savings: $25 or more per year.

Moisturizer: Ladies, spritz your face with water before applying moisturizer. A little dab will go a lot further and the moisture will be held in and hydrate your skin. My moisturizer lasts four times as long this way.

Frugal Fruit Juice: Do your children love fruit juice? Pour a couple of ounces of their favorite in a glass and fill up with plain selzer water for a delicious fizzy drink. Much cheaper, plus much less sugar and less hype! That carton or bottle of juice will last about four times longer.

Stock up on Specials: Read the grocery flyers from your favorite market and plan your shopping around the "loss leader specials" -- the great prices on meats and seasonal veggies that are designed to get shoppers into the store. (Just buy the specials and those things on your list. See below!) I've heard students say that it's cheaper to buy fast food and frozen dinners, but that is not true. It is much cheaper (and healthier) to buy what is on special and cook up a big batch to use and freeze for several meals. It might be more expensive the first month as you are switching your buying habits, but after that, you will have a stockpile of wonderful homemade food and you won't have to dash out for frozen meals. Believe me, all the preparation and packaging of those high fat, high salt, chemically loaded dishes make them MUCH more expensive per pound and per calorie than your fresh, healthy, home made delectables. Even without a large freezer, cooking for yourself will save money and with a bit of planning, you can save time as well.

DIY for Tender Savings: Do you like chicken tenders and nuggets? Learn to cut up a whole chicken and how to bone a chicken breast. You can make soup from the bones and have your own tenders or nuggets taken from bone-in breast halves at about one third the price of prepared frozen ones. Five minutes to cut up a whole chicken (when on special at 99 cents a pound) will save you about half on bone-in pieces. Get your grandmother to show you how! (My dad taught me, when I got my first apartment in college. Wow, have I been grateful!)

Lickety-split Lunches: Buy the fresh veggies you like (mini-carrots, for instance) and repackage them in small plastic bags in portions to carry with your lunches or snacks. Repackage chips and crackers into portion-sizes to help you conserve on calories, time and money all at once. You'll have family lunches ready in no time all week.

List-Mania: Shop with a list of your needs, based on a plan for the next week, plus a longer term plan for stocking up on sale items you know you will use on an ongoing basis. (This builds your pantry and helps you save a lot more money in the long run.)

No Hungry Eyes: Shop after you have eaten, so you won't let your immediate hunger trick you into foolish purchases!

Clip Tips: Clip grocery coupons from the Sunday newspaper inserts and ones you print from the internet. (It can be worthwhile to buy a Sunday paper just for the coupons.) My husband used to make fun of me, but one year I saved my receipts and added them up in December. Grocery shopping just for the two of us, I saved over $1000 with coupons. He stopped laughing and became a better shopper himself!

Clip your coupons to your shopping list and use them! If you can combine an advertised special with a coupon this week, so much the better.

Packaged Money: If you run out of money before you run out of week, use the envelope method of budgeting. Put cash into envelopes for rent, utilities, groceries, gas or busfare, clothing, gifts, and so forth. You are more likely to shop carefully when you can see exactly how much you have to make it through the week. Aim to save a little wherever possible by keeping costs even under the amounts in your envelopes. Start a savings account (or a piggy bank) with the extra. Even a little will add up quickly.

Free is Better than Cheap: Use your public library. Read magazines and use computers there. Check out books. Check out videos and audio-books on tape. Find more frugal tips in books in your library.

Let me know some of your favorite money saving tips by responding to this post!

Balancing Your Crazy-Busy Life

2010-05-29T19:41:00.003-04:00

It's the end of another productive Saturday, weeding, cleaning out the garage, and supervising a couple of my teenage neighbors whom I hired to move garden bricks around. Sounds like a lot of work for a Saturday! What happened to rest and play on the weekend?

Always on Purpose
If you're like me, almost every moment these days is spent on purpose, doing what needs to be done. When I've finished one project, I barely have time to sigh with relief before I'm on to the next one!

How can we maintain our sanity with such demands on our time?

Three Keys for Balance
What works for me is to keep coming back to three things: make a plan, clean out and complete.

It doesn't matter in which order I approach these. I simply need to do them.

Make a Plan
Making a plan can be thoughtfully listing my top priorities in life -- my "big rocks" based on the story in Steven Covey's book, First Things First. Although I do this every year, and most items stay the same, a few items do change.

Making a plan can be entering and checking appointments and tasks in my calendar. Or it can be hastily scribbling my "to do" list for today. I am lost without my lists! If I don't make lists, I worry. The lists circulate endlessly in my head causing lots of fretful stress.

I seldom get to all the items I write down as action items for the day, but I usually manage to get the important ones handled. The rest get added to another list for another day.

Clean Out
Cleaning out means to keep reducing the clutter. Almost every day, I need to go through the mail and throw out as much as possible right away. Weekly, I go through my pile of magazines and pull our a few articles or recipes, file them and toss the rest. I keep my piles of papers for classes organized in files or throw them out promptly if I won't be likely to use them again.

It's not just the paper. I work in brief moments to get rid of clothing I no longer wear and household items we no longer use. When I spot a blouse with a stain or pants that don't fit, I carry it to a donation box in the garage. Once or twice a year, I send them on to benefit others.

Complete
Completing means to finish what I start. If I'm grading a pile of papers, I prefer to work diligently until I finish. If I can't finish in this session, I like to come back promptly and get it done. Folding clothes? Keep at it or keep coming back to it until they are all properly put away.

If I'm reading a book but don't really like it halfway through, instead of leaving it on my table, I turn to the last page, read that and "declare it done." I put it back on the shelf, return it to the library, or put it in my donation box. No more visible clutter, no more internal clutter of that incompletely read book pulling on my energy.

Squeezing in Time
You may be wondering how you can work these strategies into your own crazy-busy life.

Start small and do a little bit at a time.

Planning
If you don't already, try making a To Do list for the day while you are having your morning coffee. If you're groggy for an hour after waking, jot down that list the night before, so you have it ready to guide you the next morning. Cross items off, or highlight them as you complete them for a fun sense of accomplishment.

One student said simply getting a daily agenda book and writing in his classes, assignments, study times and times for friends and fun made him a better and much happier student.

Completing
Sometimes, you may want to set a timer to study one subject for 20 minutes. When the timer rings, that small study session is complete. Move around, blink, breathe, stretch, have some water. Set the timer for your next session. Complete that one. Dance to your favorite tune for three minutes. Set the timer for your next session and complete it. Make a cup of your favorite tea or cocoa.

Do you have a term paper looming? Twice, I wrote lengthy e-books by setting my wind-up snowman timer for 15-minute segments. Setting a task to write non-stop for fifteen on each sub-topic really gets the words pouring out. Editing is for later. Check it out to see if this technique will work for you. This would be useful only after you've located and understood all your research.

Do you get the idea? Completions don't have to be big hairy deals. You can make great progress with small chunks of activity, completing each one in turn.

Cleaning Out
Once you have your major priorities for the day planned or executed, you can handle the smaller tasks like cleaning out as opportunities arise. For instance, if you see a three inch stack of papers on your dining table, grab the top one and 1) decide what to do about it -- and immediately toss it, file it, or take action. If it needs an action step, 2) if it can be done in five minutes, go ahead and take the needed action, or 3) if it will take longer, schedule time in your calendar or put it on your task list to take the appropriate next steps. There, that is one thing you have handled for right now. You've just done all that can be done with that piece of paper in this moment. Repeat with the rest of the stack as time permits. Keep coming back to it.

This approach also works if you want to schedule a fifteen minute block of time for cleaning out.

For clothing and household items that go unused, ask yourself a few questions. Have I used this in the past year? Am I truly likely to use it this next year? If no to either of these, seriously consider letting it go. Do I use it only for a holiday once a year? (If so, keep it in a special place.) Is it broken, torn, worn, outdated, ill-fitting? Either fix it or get rid of it. There is little point in hanging onto something you cannot use and enjoy.

Hope these ideas are helpful. Have fun with them.

Ten Ways to Love Yourself Now

2010-05-05T22:58:00.003-04:00

Hope you're having a great Wednesday! My classes at one college just finished finals. I have two more to go next Monday at the other college. These are for me bittersweet endings as we've gotten to know each other and students are on to their next adventures!

Today, writing a note on a student paper, I was advising her to be loving and kind to herself. Here is a quick list of ways to give yourself compassionate nurturing and caring. Apply liberally in all sorts of circumstances!

Unconditional Positive Regard
P.S. Humanistic psychologists would look at this as moving toward unconditional positive regard for yourself, a step toward self-actualization.

Ten Ways to Love Yourself Now

1. Sincerely tell yourself, "I love you." Put your hands on your stomach or your heart, wherever the warmth and caring of your hands would feel good. Say it a few times and let it really sink in.

2. Look into your own eyes in a mirror and tell yourself, "I love you." Go for one minute a day doing this, for about 30 days, and see what happens. At first it feels hokey, weird, untrue. If you stick with it past the uncomfortable feelings, (about a week to ten days for most people) you may be amazed at the shifts in your energy.

3. What would nurture you? What would make you feel really cared for, supported, coddled, protected? What would give you the feeling of warm blankies and delicious hot soup on a chilly day, or the inner experience of basking in the summer sun with no cares in the world? Identify two or three actions you can take often to nurture yourself -- gifts of time or small treats that uplift your spirits just because you deserve it. Do one of them now and the others really soon, and repeat often!

4. Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug!

5. Write in your journal tonight all the things you are grateful for.

6. Write a love letter to yourself, sharing all the things you most appreciate about yourself. Put it in an envelope, address it to yourself and stamp it. Give it to a trusted friend to mail to you six months from now. Or tuck it into a special book or drawer where you will surprise yourself by finding it in a few months.

7. Sit quietly and do nothing for ten minutes. (No tv, ipod, cell phone.) A cup of tea or coffee would be okay. But just sit. Breathe in and breathe out. Enjoy the stillness.

8. When you are tired, go to bed.

9. Meditate for inner answers. Stop looking for answers outside yourself. Love yourself enough to remember that the answers you seek are available within you. Practice meditation a few times a week. Start with five or ten minutes and work up to longer. (See my website, http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com/ for many tips on how to meditate.) With practice meditating, you will begin to access and trust your own inner wisdom , a wonderful way to love yourself more deeply.

10. Speak only kind words about yourself. If you habitually make negative, self-disparaging remarks (even humorously), stop. Catch yourself and zip your lips. Then, catch the unspoken thoughts and substitute more positive ideas about yourself. When you consistently acknowledge yourself with positive remarks, your moods and expression will come to reflect an inner radiance of loving and confidence.

For instance, instead of worrying, "I'll be old, ugly and alone," tell yourself, "I'm enjoying the adventure of a lifetime, discovering who I really am and why I'm here. I'm always connected with the perfect people and situations for my upliftment, learning and growth." "As I love myself more and more, my life unfolds in its own perfection."

You deserve the best, and you are the only one who can give yourself exactly what you want. (Give yourself positive words!) As you transform negative patterns of speech, your emotions will lift and you may find yourself behaving as if you are living a happy and loving adventure!

Until next time,

Love, Light and Hugs,
Dr. Ilenya

How Can I Love and Trust Again? To Thine Own Self Be True

2010-04-22T22:52:00.009-04:00

Overcoming Betrayal to Love and Trust Again
Recently, a young man asked one of his biggest life questions: "Will I find someone who I can share my life with and fully trust?"

He described a year long relationship with a special girl, but said she cheated with his best friend and he ended up losing both girlfriend and best friend. He wants to be able to trust again despite this betrayal by two people quite close to him. He wants to trust his other friends, and he wants to be able to love deeply and trust again. He does sound hopeful, saying, "I'll keep believing that I'll soon find the right girl to spend my life with."

My Thoughts on the Matter:
Experience brings discernment. Discernment is part of wisdom.

Discernment means being able to sort out and recognize the truth, to discriminate and be keenly aware of distinguishing differences -- in the people and situations you encounter. Painful though it was, you now have experience that will help you be more discerning in the future, especially about the qualities of a person with whom you get romantically involved.

Check It Out
Once you find your new special someone, I suggest that you really take your time getting well acquainted before plunging into marriage. Take at least two years to date, to get engaged, to spend a lot of time together going through the ups and downs of life as loving partners. You might decide that part of your engagement means living together for several months or a year before going ahead with the marriage.

The point of a long courtship is to give yourselves time to experience how each of you respond to the many challenges of life. It's one thing to be head over heels in love for a year and another to start behaving maturely to make decisions and plans about a whole life together. How well do you support each other in times of crisis? Do you stand by each other in a demonstration of faith and loyalty? Don't make assumptions. As my friend John-Roger has often said, "Check it out."

In other words, you will build up a bank of experience with your beloved. You won't have to wonder and worry about trust. You will know by her behavior whether she is trustworthy, as she will know by your behavior. You'll discern where there might be any other sticky spots in your relationship (disagreements about spending, planning a family, recreation or where to live) and you can work on those together -- gently if possible. You'll discover whether you truly share the same values, whether you only talk the talk, or whether the two of you can walk the walk together. A lifetime is a long and wondrous journey. Give yourselves time to lovingly discern how you can walk it together.

Watch and Learn
As for trusting your other friends, trust them to be exactly who they are and do exactly what they do. Don't worry, don't assume. Watch and learn. As I tell my psychology students, be the neutral compassionate observer. Your friends' behavior, day in and day out, will tell you whether you can rely on them. If you see signs of unreliability in areas that would hurt you, you might choose to find new friends instead.

To Thine Own Self Be True
One key that I've used myself and encouraged in clients is learning to trust yourself. If worries about trust remain an issue, it may be that you don't trust your own ability to be discerning. Or, maybe you are not always trustworthy with yourself. Sometimes the experiences we have with other people are like mirrors inviting us to look at our own thoughts and behaviors.

If you continue to fear another betrayal, check to see if there are any ways you've been betraying yourself, or not being true to your own deepest self. You can start by changing anything in you that needs changing, to create greater alignment with your true self and your outer expression -- your personality and activities, etc. Once you truly line up within yourself, you will usually find that your world reflects that same level of authenticity and integrity back to you.

Hope this is nourishing food for thought and that you are having a great time with your life right now. That's what will help you connect with that special someone at the perfect moment.

All the best to you,
Dr. Marrin

Clearing a Space

2010-04-17T21:25:00.003-04:00

Wonder what your prof does when she's not in class?

This evening -- after a blissfully quiet Saturday at home -- I spent about two hours sifting through a foot high pile of little notes, clippings, ads, business cards and other "important" stuff that had piled up on my desk. It was all the stuff that was too important to toss immediately because I should or might want to do something with it. Some of it had been hanging around in this "Maybe" file for seven or eight months, spilling over onto my computer, making it hard to find really important stuff like bills. You may be familiar with this syndrome.

I carried it all to the dining room table. There, I entered names and numbers into my address book, and website codes into my other address book. I filed remarkably few items, maybe half a dozen. I now have a small stack of to do items tucked into my daytimer book. I threw the rest away.

What's funny is, I had to stop and actually think about many items. It was tempting to hold onto some just in case, perhaps, I might want to follow up on them at some potential point in some possible future. (Maybe, perhaps, I made that sentence redundant on purpose.)

My key questions were: If I don't keep this card or scrap of paper, can I find this or a similar service when I want it? With internet access, the answer to almost every item is, yes, easily. Do I want to do anything with this now? Mostly I had to fess up. No, not really. Not now. Maybe not ever. Or not for a long time. I resolutely built a pile of discards on the floor and periodically carried them to the recycle bin in the garage. It felt great to move them OUT, really out of my area of attention!

My lesson for myself is that I need to make decisions about incoming information on the spot. I need to open mail over the trash can and quit clipping "perhaps" items from newspapers and magazines, and quit printing "good ideas" from the internet. I'm a "how to" junkie, but all these possibilities drag on my energy if I am not ready to act on them.

My dear friend and author John-Roger has often pointed out that we need an alignment of thought, feeling and action to make something happen. If any part of this trio is missing, we are left spinning our wheels, wasting energy, going nowhere. So I need to decide if I'm ready to take action on things that look and feel like good ideas. If not, most of it can get recycled.

I'm really appreciating the moment as I wrap up here. It's amazing how good I feel with a clean desk. Clearing out these scraps of information -- each an itty bitty drag on my energy --actually gave me the inspiration to write this post.

My desk is delightfully clear, holding my laptop, tissues, sticky notes, a phone, a jar of pens and a mirror reflecting the doorway (good Feng Shui). In the past, it would stay this way for 48 hours or less.

Since I'm posting this, I'm challenging myself to follow my own advice and keep it clear by making instant decisions on all the "stuff" that comes my way. I'll let you know next month how it's going.

Love and Light,
Dr. Ilenya

Stress Questions

2010-04-08T21:00:00.003-04:00

This week my Introduction to Psychology classes have focused on stress. What is it, what causes it, and what can prevent or reduce it? Some interesting questions came out of those classes.

Stress and Hair Loss:
One was about stress and hair loss and I had to look it up. It turns out, according to doctors at the Mayo clinic, that a period of severe stress can cause two kinds of hair loss -- one in which lots of hair comes out in your shampooing and hairbrushing, and one in which small round bald patches appear. In both cases, the hair usually grows back after a number of months. Bottom line, if your hair is falling out, it's a good idea to see your doctor as hair loss could also be a symptom of other ailments.

Do Men or Women Have More Stress?
According to various researchers, women typically have higher levels of stress because they are more sensitive and tend to "take on" more emotional burdens. Women also have stress-related mental health disorders more often than men.

Does Fighting Relieve Stress?
This question led to an interesting class discussion in which some guys felt they gain great stress relief from fighting. Most agreed that the fight needs to be between brothers or friends and have some controls for safety. Fighting with strangers can have really unpleasant outcomes, especially as young men pass the magical age of 18 and major legal consequences are a risk.

Although fighting does burn off the build-up of adrenaline triggered from the "fight or flight" response to acute stress, much the way it did for our ancient ancestors, there are usually safer, more productive ways to release the stress of anger today. Any sport or vigorous exercise (or active chores) will also work off stress hormones and help the person feel calmer.

Post your comments and additional questions to make a good discussion here!

For Heavy Reading -- A Bookworm

2010-04-04T20:54:00.004-04:00

Happy Easter.

This is just for fun and little creativity. Do you read sitting at a desk or table? Tired of holding pages down? Make a bookworm to do the work for you.

A scrap of denim or other sturdy fabric about 13 inches by 4 inches is all you need. Fold in half inside out, and stitch one end and the long side. Turn right side out. Fill with BBs. Leave about two inches unfilled so it remains flexible. Turn under the ends and sew up the last end. Lay the bookworm across your books and papers so you can read hands free while eating your cereal.

A plastic jar of BBs sells for about 7.99 in Meijer, and made three bookworms today. Give a couple away as gifts.

I just made one for my husband this afternoon so he would stop borrowing mine! I ended up with two extras, so we can have one in each room where we read.

Enjoy getting back in the class routine for the week ahead.

If You Don't, Who Will (Take Care of You)?

2010-04-03T22:19:00.003-04:00

Are you taking care of yourself?

"What kind of stupid, corny question is that?" you may ask.

If you had the life of your dreams, what kind of care would you be receiving from loved ones and hired help?

If you had experienced an ideal childhood, what kind of care would you have received from your parent or parents?

Since none of us had a picture-perfect childhoods, and we are just beginning to strive for the lives of our dreams, we may have some poor self-care habits. Failure to take care of yourself in the midst of studying and all your other responsibilities is a recipe for stress and self-sabotage.

Here you are as a college student, marching, tiptoeing, bulldozing or sleeping your way through required courses. You're dragging with you all the habits of self-care that you learned or developed from your less-than-magnificent early years. Do those habits look like strategies that will support your stressful life as a student? Will those self-care patterns sustain you when you get a real career and have to be sharp and focused to make responsible decisions every day?

You can make some new choices about good self-care right now, today.

Do you get enough sleep? Do you eat wisely? Exercise? Do you manage to make study and classes fun? Do you stay in touch with family and friends? Do you take quiet time for yourself?

What does good self-care mean for you? Remembering to take your medications or your vitamin supplements? Brushing and flossing? Hanging up your clothes so they don't inconvenience you when you want something to wear? Keeping your class notes in an organized form? Maintaining a daily, weekly and monthly calendar of tasks and assignments?

Jot down your personal list and recommit to taking good care of yourself! You'll be a better student because of it.

Whether you still live with your family or have been the head of your household for years, most of us could stand some improvements in self-care. Please post comments to share with your best methods for taking care of yourself, that help you to succeed as a student.

Super Tip: By the way, did you mentally list a few strategies for how you'd like to be cared for if your life was designed just the way you'd wish it to be? Pick one of the most important to you, one that would be really satisfying. Now figure out a way that you can begin to give that to yourself.

Do you imagine a mansion with a spa-like bathroom and mountains of bubble bath?
Run a tub full of hot water and throw in bath salts. Do it this week. Do it often. Give to yourself now those things that you really want.

Do you imagine being deeply loved by your future mate? Ask yourself how that partner might let you know of his or her love. Figure out how you can give that same kind of love to yourself. If your ideal mate would show love by buying flowers for you, go buy yourself some posies. A single rose or a bouquet from the grocery store can be a way that you love and nurture yourself. Whatever you imagine your ideal mate would do to care for you, see if you can create a way to give that to yourself. (I often instruct clients to tell themselves, "I love you." It is very healing and restorative.)

Good self-care lets your inner self know that you respect and honor yourself. Good self-care helps to engage the cooperation of your unconscious success mechanism. Setting up a pattern of good self-care says, "I deserve the best. I deserve to take good care of myself now."

Good self-care doesn't mean expensive. It means loving dedication to meeting your own needs in balanced and positive ways. (I'll do a post later about saving and spending creatively.)

Have a great week.

Success is Nice

2010-04-02T08:44:00.004-04:00

Yes, success is very nice. When you succeed, when you accomplish what you set out to do, the feeling of pride and completion can warm you from the inside out like nothing else.

In order to succeed, most people find it helpful to be nice along the way. I don't mean namby-pamby, wimpy, sweet nice. I mean courteouos and kind to those you encounter. Whether it's in the parking lot, in a classroom, on the job, or with your family, old-fashion manners go a long way toward creating the aura of success that makes people respect and take you seriously.

Look at this way. Someone who is consistently successful can afford to take the time and thought to be courteous and kind. Act the part until it is second nature for you, and speed your journey to success.

My students will remember the short video on inattentional blindness that we watched in class. ( Go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahg6qcgoay4 to see it again.)

A big inference from that experience is that what you are looking for is what you will see.

Therefore, why not focus on the success already present in yourself? Begin now to seek out and pay attention to the successful person already lurking inside! Start to think, speak and act like a successful person.

One very simple way to do that is to reclaim the courtesies you were most likely taught as a kid.

This could be as simple as raising your hand to speak in a dynamic conversation in a college class. It could be putting cell phones away, out of sight and vibration sound, so as not to disturb your classmates and instructor when you are tempted to do a quick text response. It could be not smoking except in designated smoking areas on campus, and putting cigarette butts into a trash receptacle. Nothing heroic. Just acting like someone who can afford to be civilized because you are already a success!

I'll leave you with this thought from Aristotle: "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit."

Welcoming Me Back

2010-03-31T21:03:00.004-04:00

This will be short and sweet.

After a long hiatus, I'm experimenting with reactivating this blog.

It's still about loving your success, living with less stress and more self-nurturing and self-compassion.

I'm expecting some of my psychology students to post questions. Questions should be authentic, looking for clarification on issues related to success with less stress, in most any arena of life. I will decide whether questions or other postings are appropriate to keep on this site. This is a pilot project at the moment and we'll see how it develops. I'll look forward to your questions and comments.

I'm back

2008-12-01T12:46:00.005-05:00

Hello, again!

After more than a year of a full time training/consulting job and a cross-country move and getting settled in a fabulous 50-year old home needing lots of TLC, I'm back! I got to practice all my skills for reducing stress and managing my life for success!

This time, I'm posting from Farmington Hills, Michigan, where I'm gazing out the living room window at our park-like back yard, covered with snow and laced with the tracks of our lovable greyhounds, George and Mazie.

I'm doing inspirational speaking, soul-centered counseling, and renewing my internet business.

Watch for more success tips with a focus on spiritual psychology and practical spirituality in the near future!
Blessings,
Dr. Ilenya

Sucess: 15 Ways to Observe Your Procrastination

2007-01-29T20:21:00.000-05:00

Hello again!

Success for me today is being adaptable!

I've been without my lovely laptop for a couple of days --
it is in for some major repair work! I finally got set up
again on my old faithful desktop system, so I'm back in action!

Today's question is from Mr. Ghanshyam Kulkarni
from Mumbai, India. My thanks to him and he is getting
a free copy of my e-book, 77 Loving Steps for Success.

"If things are done in time they have their own beauty and
importance. But every time it is not possible for me. Am I
lacking in some planning or some thing else?"

Dear Mr. Kulkarni,

Today, I may not give 1-2-3 steps for how to overcome
procrastination. I sense that there is something else at play
in your question and I am going to share some musings
and ramble a bit with my thoughts.

I like your statement about things done in time having their
own beauty and importance.

One question to ask with that, though, is "Whose time?"

Is it according to deadlines at work?
Or your own planning?
Or an artificial standard that says you "should" complete
something by a certain time?
Or are we talking about "God's time," the perfect timing that
is beyond the little will of our personality and the "shoulds"
of society?

Typical Success through Accomplishment
You can do a great deal through planning and taking action
steps toward completion of your tasks and goals. When you
don't plan, don't write down goals, and fail to take the needed
actions, you tend to judge yourself as lazy or procrastinating.

Judging merely compounds the problem. Then, in addition to
not getting the thing done or the goal accomplished, you are
beating yourself unmercifully, adding self-punishment and
misery to your burden.

Stop that! Forgive yourself, immediately and in depth!

If you are on track with most of your tasks, getting things done
in a timely manner, you're doing quite well! If there are certain
areas where you drag your feet and resist doing the thing you
think should be done, look for clues for how you are holding
yourself back.

Here are some questions to ask yourself about the area where
you are delaying, resisting or not acting. You will need to be
ruthlessly honest in answering yourself. Listen to your feelings
as well as your logic and reason.

These questions can help you gain new awareness or insight
regarding your situation. In that expanded awareness, you
have more options and choices.

You might end up deciding that a particular goal is something
you don't want after all.

Or you might come to understand that you are not acting because
in a larger sense you are intuitively cooperating with a Divine plan.

Careful and honest reflection will yield the understanding
you need for each personal situation.

Do I have an inner conflict about this area?
Do I doubt my ability to succeed in this area?
Is this a goal I really want for myself? Or do I want it only
because someone else (parent, spouse, authority figure) says I
should do it?
Is this something I used to want but it no longer fits in my life?
Am I worried about or afraid of the results if I move toward this goal?
Is delaying part of my intuitive and wise process of self-protection?
Or is delaying postponing an inevitable confrontation that I dread?
Are there truly forces beyond my control influencing my choices?
Am I demanding perfection against myself, expecting unrealistic
accomplishments?
If I chose to take action today what would I do?
What specifically stops me from doing that?
What are the consequences if I delay?
Can I live happily with these consequences?
Do I see unhappy consequences either way I choose?
If so, what are two or three more possible choices I can
consider in this situation?
Considering myself and anyone else involved, what would be
the most loving choice in this situation?

Please note that none of these questions ask, "Am I procrastinating?"
That is not a helpful question. If you say, "I'm procrastinating,"
you are probably judging yourself. If you say, "I'm not procrastinating,"
you still need to ask yourself questions like the ones above to gain
clarity on what's going on.

The loving approach to this issue is become the Neutral Loving Observer,
to look for clarity and understanding, and to choose again according to
what is truest, highest and best for you and anyone else involved. Then
you can act with freedom and enthusiasm, or you can let the thing go,
already dead of inaction. Being in alignment with yourself is your
new level of success.

Blessings of joy and peace,

Dr. Ilenya

Ask Dr. Ilenya: Eight Tips for Immediate Stress Relief

2007-01-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

Here is one more query from Mr. Atta Yaw, and
my thanks for his excellent questions.

"When one sees signs of stress, such as sudden sweats
on forehead, what should be done to get immediate relief?"

When this happens, you might be feeling quite anxious or
panicky. This is a time to be gentle with yourself.
Treat yourself with great loving kindness.

Eight Tips for Immediate Stress Relief

Choose a few of these tips to practice when you
are calm, so you will be ready the next time you
suddenly feel anxious or deeply worried.

1. Breathe gently, slowly and deeply.

2. Walk away from the stressful situation if possible.

3. Talk lovingly to yourself silently, inwardly, saying
positive things like, "Relax. I can handle this. I can get
through this. There is a solution." Immediately picture
yourself as happy and successful in this situation. See yourself
relaxed and handling things calmly, confidently.

4. Ask yourself, "What is it that I need to learn from
this situation?" Instead of focusing on worry or concern,
become a neutral loving observer of what is happening,
and focus on what you can learn right now.

4. Send love to yourself. Put your hand on your stomach,
either a little above or below your belly button, wherever you
feel tension, and tell yourself silently, "God bless you, I love you,
Peace be still." Repeat this over and over silently until you relax.

5. Get a glass of water and sip it slowly.

6. Go for a short walk to help to release the nervous
tension of stress or anxiety.

7. Get busy doing something productive, like chores
or your next piece of business. This will help take your focus
off the problem and help you get relaxed and balanced again.

8. Pray. If you are a religious person, you might say a short
prayer asking for God's help. Or just remind yourself,
"God loves me. I have the strength and courage to get
through this now."

The next four tips are for understanding and
prevention of further stress or anxiety attacks.

9. Make a mental note of exactly what seemed to trigger
your burst of anxiety. Write about it later in your journal,
looking logically at your response and putting your stress into
realistic perspective. Understanding and awareness can
create quick balancing and healing!

10. Practice relaxing. As a preventive measure,
while you are not stressed, practice telling yourself positive
statements such as, "I am relaxing now," and actually practice
relaxing your muscles throughout your body. Get the feeling
of relaxing, so when you do face stress, you can tell yourself,
"I am relaxing now," and you will know how to do that.

11. Practice meditating. Again, for prevention, practice
a simple meditation every day. You will learn to relax your
mind and when you feel tense, you can more easily let it go.

12. Ask for help. Talk to a family member, trusted friend,
clergy person, or counselor to help you understand what's
happening with your sudden stress response, and to come
up with solutions.

How Does Stress Start?

2007-01-26T21:22:00.000-05:00

"How does stress start?" is another question from Mr. Atta
Yaw in West Africa.

I actually answered this question and posted it last week, but my
blog was temporarily suspended because it looked like this article
could be spam! I was shocked, but I'm back so all is well.

So I'm taking out some of the potential spam words and trying again!
Here goes!

Here is my personal, practical answer based on blending
holistic psychology and practical spirituality for many years.

Stress starts when two forces oppose each other --
pushing or pulling in opposite directions.

In the case of the human body, mind and spirit, it begins when
something happens and we resist from a place of fear, worry,
anxiety, overwhelm, anger, frustration, helplessness, and so on.

Or, as you'll see in my answer to your next question, stress can
begin because of a chemical change in the body itself. There
is such a dynamic interplay among the factors of body, mind
and emotions that it is often difficult to pinpoint where stress starts.

The trigger could be from our own thoughts, feelings, attitudes
and choices. Or the trigger could be from the people, situations
and events around us who "push or pull us" in one direction.

This can be as simple as, something happens and we don't
like it.

Or, we need to accomplish something important but don't have
enough time. Something in the past frightened us and now
we resist approaching that kind of person or animal or situation again.

What we think about the situation ("This is terrible! I can't handle it.")
determines how we feel.

How we feel gets translated into physical, emotional and mental
stress in a spiral of negativity that people describe as feeling anxious,
panicky, frustrated, frazzled, tired.

Stress can have a huge impact on the body and is a major factor
in many physical illnesses such as heart problems.

Fortunately, even though it can hard to pinpoint the ultimate causes,
it is possible to overcome the symptoms!

"Does stress have anything to do with chemical imbalance in
the body? Does the food one eats have any influence on one's stress level?"

Chemical imbalances in the body can certainly contribute to stress.

Some imbalances are caused by substances we take in voluntarily.
For instance, alcohol depresses the nervous system and can impair
social judgment, which can easily lead to poor choices that create
very stressful consequences for the individual who drinks to excess.

Nicotine stimulates the production of dopamine, which creates
positive feelings in the brain's pleasure center, but cigarette smoke
taxes the lungs and causes cancer, a delayed form of extreme physical
stress.

Excessive use of caffeine may induce negative effects such as
anxiety, restlessness, insomnia, and irregular heartbeats in some
sensitive individuals.

Other imbalances are caused by hereditary conditions or illness.
Many prescription drugs can have side effects such as anxious
feelings, fuzzy thinking or confusion.

Approaching menopause, with its natural hormonal changes in
women, can cause many symptoms such as irritability, moodiness,
hot flashes, sweats, and so forth.

A very common natural chemical imbalance that interplays
with stress and anxiety is hypoglycemia, or low blood sugar.
A drop in blood sugar causes release of the hormone epinephrine,
which supports the "fight or flight" response.

That's why the side effects of low blood sugar feel like stress and
can cause symptoms such as sweating, shakiness, anxiety, weakness,
irratibilty, confusion and many more.

All for now . . . more soon!
Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Ask Dr. Ilenya: Seeking Inner Peace -- Twelve Tips for a Year of Transformation

2007-01-17T15:52:00.000-05:00

Ask Dr. Ilenya

My latest subscriber letter with questions is from Mr. Atta Yaw, Tamale, Ghana, West Africa. I do love how international we are with the internet! He sent several questions, and I've tackled the first one here today.

He also received a downloadable copy of my e-book, 77 Loving Steps for Success. You can get your own free copy if I answer one of your questions dealing with stress, personal peace, success, self-compassion and related items! Send them to me at Dr.Ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com.

How can one achieve inner peace?

Dear Atta,

Thank you for writing to me and here is an answer to one of your questions. Watch for the others in the next few days!

Inner peace is a choice. As I see it, based on many years of study and practice, creating inner peace is a choice. It's also the opposite of choosing to remain overwhelmed by stress.

It's amazing how after many years of practicing spiritual exercises and meditation, working on myself in classes and individual counseling, and lots of introspection and journal writing, I still have to practice at maintaining my inner peace. Thankfully, after about 30 years, when my peace is disturbed, I can move back to peace more quickly. But I still deal with multiple stressors and have to choose peace consciously in order to keep my inner peace alive and vital within me!

Your straightforward question allowed me to reflect and pull together twelve keys that I work with over and over, with clients and with myself.

How to work with these tips.

If you just read the list and say, "That's nice, these are great tips," nothing will change in your experience. So give yourself the gift of actively working one of these tips each month for the next year or so.

To get the most out of these powerful ideas, print out this list and keep it where you can review it frequently.

Pick one of these suggestions. You might lovingly reflect to make your choice, or choose one at random, or maybe one item will "leap off the page" as the first choice for you.

Now think creatively about how you can put it to work in your life.

Here are some specific examples.

Do you want to learn meditation? Get a book or find an article on-line and sit down daily to practice meditating. Even five or ten minutes will pay off if you do it daily.

Are you ready to focus on what is good in yourself? Get your notebook and list five good things about yourself every night at bedtime. You can come up with other ways to acknowledge the good in yourself. The key is to do something along these lines every day!

Do you want to remember or discover that your divine essence is peace? You might close your eyes and affirm, "I am peace," or "I am at peace, resting in the center of my being." Repeat it gently until you feel it, for a few minutes each day.

Do it. Now, make time every day for the next 33 days to do at least one thing based on your chosen strategy. Put a star on your calendar each day when you complete your practice! If you miss a day, start over!

Be true to yourself and complete 33 days, because that's what it takes to create a solid new habit.

Pick another item. Next month, and thereafter, you can choose to work with a different strategy, or continue with one that seems especially valuable. In little more than a year, you'll have twelve new habits supporting your inner peace.

When you focus on inner peace over and over, a certain amount of stress simply resolves itself and vanishes. For the rest, you will have a wonderful foundation from which to handle any stressful challenges. Your foundation will be much more peaceful than it is today.

Be creative and have fun with this, and let me know your results!

Twelve Tips for Creating Inner Peace

1. Meditate or do spiritual exercises. This will give you a reference point for inner peace that will eventually spill over into your daily life.

2. Practice your faith consistently. You'll develop strength to see you through adversity, plus understanding of purpose for inner peace.

3. Practice gratitude for everything in your life. Even the things you don't like are here for your learning and growth. Gratitude leads to inner peace.

4. Look for the good. Look for the good in yourself and in everything and everyone around you. A warm glow of peace will fill you when see the good.

5. Promote peace in yourself. Choose to stay calm in the face of challenges.

6. Love yourself. Self-compassion and self-nurturing creating a foundation of inner safety in which it's easier to stay calm and peaceful.

7. Forgive yourself for anything you've judged in yourself. Release, and enjoy the inner peace again.

8. Forgive others. Let go of grudges and resentments against others. Forgive and forget for greater inner peace.

9. Practice honesty with yourself and others. When you are true to yourself, inner peace is present.

10. Discover who you are. Remember, you are much more than the body and personality that you normally identify with. Your core, your divine essence, is peace.

11. Focus on the positive. Expect the best, do your best, and you will receive what is best for you. Accepting this, you find inner peace.

12. Become a Neutral Loving Observer of yourself and your life. Then you can accept things you don't like, but see more choices for improvement.

Bonus Tip:

13. Look at life as a grand classroom. You are here to learn and grow and uplift yourself. Greater learning and self-awareness brings inner peace.

All for now --
Joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
http://www.lovingyoursuccess.blogspot.com

Copyright 2007 Dr. Ilenya Marrin. You may publish this on your own blog or website, ezine, etc., as long as you keep it intact and include my urls.

Catching Up with You

2007-01-08T21:07:00.000-05:00

Hello! Happy second week of 2007!

Those days just keep rolling around whether I put anything on this blog or not!
Whew. I get busy with other projects, like Christmas, and lose track.

I've been writing articles which are being published at EzineArticles.com. Here
are two new links and an older one, in case you missed it, where you can read:

Should You Try Meditation: Solutions for Three Common Fears

A New Year, A New You - Ten Tips for Creating Sacred Beginnings

From Heartbreak to Healing: Beyond Surviving the Stress of Divorce

More soon!
Joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Taking Care of You for Less Holiday Stress

2006-11-27T21:19:00.000-05:00

Today I've been struck by the hype around the holidays,
and thought I'd share a few thoughts on how to enjoy
the holiday season with less stress, less glitz and less
frantic activity. Whew!

I live pretty simply -- very comfortably, but simply.
I don't normally watch much TV and can't imagine how
I'd ever accomplish anything if I did. So I admit I'm
biased. If you like running around in a tizzy every
December, don't bother reading further!

A couple of days ago I went for my normal walk and
passed a neighbor hanging lights on her shrubbery. We
chatted for a moment and I commented, "It's all I can do
to put up a tree every year." I made a decision years ago
to pass on the lights, to keep life a bit more simple and
sane. (All right, I'm lazy. I don't mind admiring other
people's lights, but I'm not willing to hang my own. It's
true!)

A surefire way to reduce holiday stress is to look for one
thing on your "should" list and declare it non-essential.
Scratch it out. Declare it done even if it isn't yet begun.
Give yourself permission to let it go!

Then look for a couple more things like that. Things you
have always done, perhaps, but the kids have outgrown
the custom. Or you have new in-laws now and don't need
to perpetuate this ritual. Or you never really liked it any-
way and you can decide not to do it any more just because
you don't really like it!

Next, book a couple of evenings for yourself. Especially
if you are a working mother, or a caregiver for someone
who is disabled, give yourself some "you" time during this
frenetic season when you are so focused on giving to others.
Write it into your calendar and keep that date with yourself.
It might be a date for a soak in the tub, or reading a novel
not related to the season, or a Saturday afternoon hike in
the local woods. Whatever would be relaxing and regenerating
for you. (This is not a time to catch up with girlfriends unless
you have someone who is a really good listener, who nurtures
you.)

It might even be simply a night to go to bed at 8:30
and catch up on your ZZZZs. I've managed a couple of those
early nights lately and boy do I appreciate them the next
morning!

I wouldn't suggest vegging in front of the television as a form
of relaxation. (Here's the other thing I've noticed in the last
few days!) Remember, I seldom watch TV, but recently I've
spent several evenings doing simple embroidery on gifts in
front of the screen. At first, it was cool to catch a few
episodes of crime solver shows, because I'm a long-time
mystery reader.

But after seeing about 15 episodes of a few of these shows,
I was burned out. They seem designed for creating stress in
the viewer -- more gore and excitement for jaded, seen-it-all
watchers in living rooms everywhere. You may think that just
sitting there and absorbing the action is relaxing.

It is not.

As you watch, especially the more dramatic and violent shows,
you are jerking around with mental and emotional
stress reactions almost as powerful as if you were participating
in person. If you watch a lot of television, you may be so numb
to your gut level responses that you don't realize the stress
of the process. But it is affecting you. (And if you fall asleep
while watching, the gore content goes straight into your
unconscious where it can haunt you with uneasy feelings and
weird dreams more or less indefinitely! )

So, to really relax, try listening to music, exercising, taking a
hot bath, reading something non-violent, trading massages,
giving yourself a foot rub, or working on a hobby that you love.
You might even be able to play with the kids, if you really allow
yourself to play and you don't have to constantly referee the
action.

OK. You get the idea. I'm big on taking care of yourself as a
way of maintaining your personal peace during the holiday
season.

Let me know what works for you! Either post a response on
this blog, or email me at Dr.Ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com.

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Author of e-books:
The Power of Personal Peace:
Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out,
A Way of Loving Intention
and
77 Loving Steps for Success

http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com

Copyright 2006 Dr. Ilenya Marrin. You may copy this and use it elsewhere as long
as you keep it intact.

Ask Dr. Ilenya about Skills for Coping with Stress

2006-11-20T18:44:00.000-05:00

Hi Dr. Ilenya,

Your request could not have come at a better time
for me. I would be honored if you chose to use it
on your blog. My question is this:

I am a single mother of two wonderful children,
ages 5 and 7. Over the last year, I have looked
inward for some very deep soul searching, learning
just who I am, and what I want out of life. I have
never been more contented and happy in my
entire life!

I have recently taken the leap of faith and become
100% self-employed, after a career as an office
administrator. Before this, I worked at my business
in my “spare time”, with many late nights, groggy
mornings, too much coffee, not enough good food,
and I hate to admit, a lot of cranky days… My
business is my passion; I love everything that I do!

There could not have been a better time to make
this transition. In the three years since my divorce,
I have been taking a wonderful journey in learning
how to create exactly the future I want. However,
I do not deal with stress so well. I know that I will
experience some rocky spots along the way, so I
was wondering what are some skills I could focus
on during times of stress?

Thank you,
Marie

http://www.bonsaifaery.com/
..delight your skin and senses..
100% pure & natural soaps & body products

Hi, Marie,
Thanks for your question. I might have answered
this one sooner, but I was traveling and speaking for two
weeks and it's been a slow "re-entry" getting back
to my usual routine.

First, big congratulations for doing all your inner
work on learning who you are and what you want
out of life. I can think of nothing more rewarding if
you aim for a life of joy, loving and fulfillment!

And kudos for starting your own business that you
love! To me, the stresses of running your own
business are much more fun than those that come
with being an employee somewhere else!

You don't say specifically what stressors you deal
with, or what you experience under stress, so these
comments will be pretty general.

First, if you haven't already, check out my articles
on stress and divorce for a few ideas in case dealing
with your ex should ever be stressful.
www.powerofpersonalpeace.com/articles/divstress.htm.

In keeping with your inner explorations, you might
want to begin some form of meditation or contemplation
on a regular basis. When you do this consistently,
day in and day out, it has a very calming effect on your
outlook overall and you have a huge inner reservoir of
peace from which to draw in a time of crisis.

I wouldn't wait for a time of stress to learn meditation.
Begin now and be prepared for the ups and downs of
life with greater inner resilience. For starters, check out
my articles on meditation at
www.powerofpersonalpeace.com/articles/medhints1.htm.

Practice being a Neutral Loving Observer of your life,
a skill I discovered during my doctoral research. I talk
about this in my e-books, but the very short version is
to observe yourself in action almost as if you were visiting
from another planet. You're a loving, caring, interested,
curious observer of this person called Marie and all that
goes on in her life. You can accept all the dilemmas and
challenges as a part of life. You don't judge or criticize. You
simply observe, notice, or see with clarity of vision.

Being the Neutral Loving Observer allows you a
wonderfully broad perspective free of self-judgment and
guilt. It gives you enormous freedom during times of
stress and challenge and during the crossroads of life
when you want to make wise decisions. In a sense,
it's an "active meditation" process, providing another
good habitual attitude and a profound resource you
can access during challenging times.

Beyond these basic suggestions for skills, you might
focus on building resilience as a multi-dimensional
human. In other words, build in good habits of physical
exercise and nutrition, positive thought (which will impact
how you feel on a daily basis), and spiritual practices that
match your faith and lifestyle.

Cultivate openness to learning and growing every day.
Then instead of being rigid, set in your ways and brittle,
you'll be strong in knowing yourself yet able to change
and adapt regardless of the challenges. You'll use stress
as the impetus to learn, grow and develop positive
solutions.

Let me know if these comments are helpful, and my very
best wishes for your success in life and in business.

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
Dr.Ilenya@PowerofPersonalPeace.com

Copyright 2005 Ilenya Marrin, Power Of Personal Peace.
73 Prim Road #115
Colchester, VT 05446
Phone: 802-658-2921

Ask Dr. Ilenya about Student's Stress

2006-11-20T17:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Ilenya Marrin, DSS,
Hello. My name is Yoshiki M. I am a student at Kwansei
Gakuin University in Sanda, Japan.

I found your email address in web site. I am researching
about stress. I have to write report of chemistry every week.
It is hard for me to write a report. I feel stress very much
at such time. Then, I decide researching about stress. I
want you to answer three questions.

1. When do you feel stress?
2. How could you reduce stress?
3. What do you think the merits of stress are?

I am looking forward to waiting your mail. Thank you.
Yoshiki M.

Dear Yoshiki,
I'll answer your third question first. The merits of stress
would include motivation to do our best. Without some
stress, some pressure, we might have extremely boring
lives because we'd never be motivated to get up and do
much of anything. Stress in limited doses can be quite
positive, giving us the energy and intention to make the
extra push for success.

Typically, you feel stress such as tension, nervousness,
stomach or headaches, etc., as the result of two opposing
forces pushing or pulling you in different directions.
For instance, you may feel intense pressure from parents,
teachers or society in general to do very well at the
University -- a force pushing you to succeed according to
external standards of excellence.

On the other hand, you may feel out of your depth,
inadequate or overwhelmed in a particular subject like
chemistry, or simply when it comes to writing those
reports about chemistry.

Your stress could easily be the result of your experience
of perceived or felt pressure to excel versus internal self-
doubt about your abilities.

For a more general example, the fibers of a tree would be
under stress in a severe windstorm. The upright structure
of the tree tries to maintain its form. The wind pushes
against it. If the wind if strong enough, the tree will bend
or even break under the stress. A supple, pliable tree like
a willow, will bend easily before the wind and then resume its
natural shape when the wind stops. A more rigid tree, like
an aspen in my yard, will snap in two.

With too much ongoing stress, a person will "break" by
developing physical or emotional symptoms that seriously
interfere with living a full and happy life.

How to reduce stress is the subject of my 150 page e-book,
The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving
Yourself from the Inside Out, plus countless books on stress
reduction by other authors. Here are a few tips. If you haven't
already, also subscribe to my free newsletter, Simple Stress
Solutions, at my website, www.powerofpersonalpeace.com.

Quick stress reducers would be, take a break from writing and
take a walk, go play sports for a while, play any game in which
you excel, or talk to a friend. Come back to your writing
assignment refreshed.

Another approach: Do some problem solving on how to make
writing chemistry reports easier for you. Do you need to begin
the assignment earlier so you are not rushed? Do you need to
request extra explanations from the professor? Do you need
help from an older student who succeeded in this class?

For the longer term, begin a regular practice of some form
of meditation to learn how to calm your mind more easily.
Then, when you tell yourself to relax, you'll know how!

In your case, my intuition says you would most likely
reduce stress by stopping the conflict between pressure
to excel and the inner self- doubt or self-criticism.
Ideally, you relax and let go of both sides of this conflict.

How? Your feelings of stress are largely a result of your
habitual thought patterns. Change the way you think, or the
way you talk to yourself about yourself. When you are
relaxed and in a good space, begin to tell yourself positive things
about yourself, such as:

(For your inner self-doubts about abilities)
"I know how to relax and let school reports be fun and easy."
"I'm changing my mind and changing my
life. I am writing all my reports with ease and grace."
"I now unlock the chemistry genius within me and I succeed
with ease."
"I am success. I am succeeding now."
"My inner genius knows exactly how to do this and I'm doing
it now."

(For feelings of pressure related to what others expect of you)
"I am enough. I am doing enough."
"I love myself just as I am."
"While I would prefer to have the approval of my parents
(or others), I know that I'm doing my best and I approve
of myself just as I am."

Figure out exactly what it is that worries you the most and
make up a totally positive statement that is the opposite.
Say it many, many times, thousands of times if necessary,
and your unconscious mind will begin to make it so for you.

I know that in Japan, there is tremendous pressure to
succeed academically and to live up to your parents'
expectations. You have probably internalized those
expectations so much that you think you MUST succeed
according to their desires for you.

That's only true if you believe it is true. In truth, from a
larger perspective, you may define your own measure of
success. Maybe chemistry need not be a part of that
success. (How's that for a wild idea?)

See if you can find ways to love and accept yourself just
as you are and forgive yourself for judging yourself harshly
or judging yourself as a potential failure. All these pressures
based on someone else's view of you simply make it harder
to focus on doing your work as best you can.

Hope this is helpful, and I'm sending you joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Ask Dr. Ilenya about Temper with a Teen

2006-11-09T16:03:00.000-05:00

Here is Subscriber Question #4.

Dear Dr. Marrin,
I'm a teacher. I have a great deal of compassion for my
students, and I'm extremely patient with them (most of
the time).

I'm also a father of two. My son is 17 and by most accounts,
he is a terrific kid. But there are times when I just can't
tolerate his laziness or his hipper-than-thou attutude. I
find I blow up at him at least once a month. I have far less
tolerance for my son, whom I love, than I do for my students.

Are my expectations too high? Is there something I need to
know, the knowing of which will let me see a bigger picture
somehow? I don't want to drive a wedge between my son
and me. But I'm afraid that's what I'm doing when I lose my
temper at him.

Thank you for any insights you may suggest.
Bob Z. of Hudson Valley Region, New York

Dear Bob,
I bet almost every parent reading this can identify with your
dilemma! In our psychologically savvy culture, there is
tremendous and often unrealistic pressure to be "the perfect
parent."

First, remember that you wouldn't lose your patience and
blow your stack if you didn't love your son tremendously. I'd
be willing to bet that he knows at a deep level -- regardless of
your occasional outbursts -- how much you care. As long as
you're not abusive, your anger is probably appropriate and far
better than apathy. You might remind yourself that you are your
son's perfect father. You're the one he got, and you're doing the
best you know how with him every day. That counts for a lot!

That said, I think that most of us wish to handle challenging
situations without losing our cool.

Sometime when you and your son are both in a good space, you
might try talking to him about how you wish you didn't blow
up. Some other time have a general discussion with him about
laziness and attitude -- not directed at his behavior. Talk about
people and life in general and how he handles it when he sees
someone with an attitude, or how he feels when a classmate is lazy
and doesn't hold up his or her end on a class project. These could
be revealing and healing discussions for both of you.

A long time ago, I learned "nine magic words" from one of my
favorite authors, John-Roger. These are words you can repeat
inwardly, silently, at times when the tension is building or you're
aware you're getting irritated. (I use them in all sorts of tense or
emotional situations from business meetings to personal discussions
to working with myself inwardly.)

The words are: "God bless you, I love you. Peace be still." You
simply repeat these mentally as long as necessary. If nothing else,
they should help you to remain centered. I have also seen this
process settle really ugly situations in a few minutes! Experiment
and see what happens.

And finally, remember the old saw, "Now that I'm an adult, my parents
are a lot smarter." Your son will undoubtedly outgrow some of
his current attitude in another few years.

Joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Ask Dr. Ilenya about Freedom from Upset

2006-11-09T15:41:00.000-05:00

Subscriber Question #3
Dear Dr. Ilenya,
I'm getting upset when do not go as per my expectation.
I want to have freedom from upset. What to do?
Dr. Mahesh of Surat, India

Dear Dr. Mahesh,
You're describing a major challenge related to being human.
The classic spiritual answer is "to have no expectations."

I find it more practical to adopt the viewpoint of a Neutral
Loving Observer, which I write about in some detail in my
e-book, The Power of Personal Peace.

As the Neutral Loving Observer, you are still active and
engaged in life on all levels. But you observe the action
without judging it. That's the neutrality.

Example: I heartily dislike automated phone answering
systems where I have to enter numbers and be transferred
from one holding station to another before talking to a
person. I get quite annoyed while on hold for fifteen minutes.
If I will remember to observe myself, it's as if I step to a
higher level, and I can say, "Oh, there I go again, getting
upset over something I really can't control."

Just acknowledging my process helps to diffuse my frustration.
I take a deep breath and move back to patience.

The "loving" part of Neutral Loving Observer is a reminder
to love yourself in your human condition, upsets and all.

I think that as long as we are breathing, we are meant to be
learning and growing. If you will neutrally look at the
upsetting situations as opportunities to uplift yourself, and
lovingly accept yourself and your human process, you will
probably find it easier to stay peaceful. At least, you should
be able to return to your peaceful state more quickly after
the upset.

Blessings of Light and Loving,
Dr. Ilenya

Ask Dr. Ilenya

2006-11-09T15:33:00.000-05:00

Hello! I'm writing to you from Tyler, Texas, where I'm
visiting my mom and brother. Last weekend, I spoke
at the Center for Spiritual Living in Austin and did
some individual consultation sessions with clients, and
this coming Sunday, I'll speak at a Unity Church in
Nacogdoches.

We've had beautiful warm weather! I gathered pecans
and have been picking them out with a promise of great
baking for months to come!

Because I'm traveling, I'm slow in posting the next replies
for my advice column, but here are two more. This time,
I'm posting them as blog entries. I'll have to figure out a
format that works best as I go along.

See my next two entries for the next two responses!
Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Ask Dr.Ilenya about Success and Self-Compassion

2006-10-30T22:44:00.000-05:00

Hello, everyone!

I know it's been a while, but I've been doing some overhauling of my life -- including my vision for my business. Remember, I more or less backed into a career including internet marketing, about a year ago, and now I'm figuring out what to do about it! I feel rather gleeful saying that!

This will be short tonight -- I wanted to let you know I've started a new feature on my website -- Ask Dr. Ilenya. You may submit your questions regarding stress reduction, creating success,
self-compassion and self-loving, and related themes, and if I select your letter for a response, you'll see it posted on my site. I may have to make a new blog too, but we'll see how it works out!

Do please let your friends know, and if they want to ask a question, have them 1) sign up for my newsletter, so they'll get notified if and when I respond to their question, and 2) e-mail me at Dr.Ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com with their question.

The first q & a is posted now, and you can read it here.

I feel really pleased to be back working on my blog, website and sending out e-mails to my faithful subscribers!

Have a great rest of the week!
Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

2006-10-18T21:21:00.000-04:00

Hello, and I'm back after a bit of a hiatus with blogging! I find I have more ideas and projects underway than I have of me to execute them all!

I got my latest e-book completed and shared as a bonus for the book launch of Take 10: How to Achieve Your Someday Dreams in 10 Minutes a Day. Take 10 is terrific book by my fellow University of Santa Monica alumni, Rory Cohen and Cornelia Flannery and Kristin Biorn. You can check it out at www.entelekey.com/products.html. (The bonuses have expired, but you can buy the book there.)

Actually, when I said I'd provide a bonus for their book launch, I envisioned a 10 page special report, and I ended up with an 80 page e-book, 77 Loving Steps for Success, plus an audio meditation, Loving Yourself into Success. So a lot of work went into that project in August and early September! I haven't had time to write a real sales page yet, but you can order my e-book at

More recently, I spent a good deal of time collaborating and then co-facilitating a retreat for a group of church leaders, which took place last Saturday. It was excellent, meeting the desired goals for this group and even better, was a lot of fun to create and facilitate!

This week, I've had a hard time getting back to my internet focus. If any of you reading this are internet marketers more or less full time, you no doubt appreciate that much of the work is done solo. While it's a very different atmosphere than a busy office, there are still tensions and stress components to handle. I'm finding that I'm either "on a roll" with creativity or can be "in the doldrums" waiting for the wind of inspiration to fill my sails. I've been doing my best to remain a neutral loving observer of my process, but it feels good to be updating you and getting myself back in the swing of things here.

What's Your Vade Mecum?

2006-09-13T11:15:00.000-04:00

What could I really not do without these days . . . . well, besides my trusty laptop and all the rest of my computer gear? It's both a stress reduction and success mechanism, and I'll explain that tie-in at the end of this article.

A few days ago, I rediscovered a wonderful word, vade mecum, (pronounced either vay-dee-MEE-kuhm or vah-dee-MAY-kuhm. Since I had a couple of years of Latin in high school, I gravitate toward the second pronunciation. At www.Dictionary.com, it's defined as: 1. A book for ready reference; a manual; a handbook. 2. A useful thing that one regularly carries about.

Immediately, I thought of my 6x9 inch notebook -- one in a long series of these, actually -- which pretty much fits both definitions above. It serves so many purposes! And since I've never even learned to program my cell phone, I can't imagine substituting a PDA for my purposes.

First, my vade mecum is the repository for my dreams, which I scribble in the dark so as not to wake my husband. (I later copy the more important ones into a permanent, hard-cover journal.)

When sunlight is peeking in the window and I'm more fully awake, I note in it my intentions before spiritual exercises, and any great revelations that appear! LOL! My most frequent note is "Chanting and thoughts."

At the breakfast table I note my to do's for the day, tasks, shopping, errands, chores. Business and personal items get listed side by side, however my brain pops out the ideas.

When I talk to a colleague or listen to a teleseminar, I jot my notes -- more tasks, brainstorming ideas, links to check out and much more. (I also doodle, revealing my mood! Question marks, smiley faces, cartoon faces, flowers, squares and irregular shapes with decorations are my main themes these days.)

When I drive off to do errands, this little notebook is open on the seat beside me. Who knows if I'll get flash of inspiration at a stoplight? I've learned to scribble a phrase or two while I drive, as well.

I manage to set it aside to spend time with my husband after work, and throughout dinner. But then, back at my computer, I'm likely to be thumbing through the pages, following up, keeping myself organized, moving the to do items into my Outlook calendar, and typing my inspired notes into their respective places -- my new ebook, my blog, articles, etc.

And then back to bed for the night, still carrying my notebook. It nestles on the corner of the bed, next to my pillow. My pen hooks over the next blank page so I always know where to start, even with lights out. On the days when my mind is in overdrive, I may doze for half an hour and then be wide awake with ideas for my current or upcoming projects. I either scribble in the dark or prop up with a small book light to capture those ideas! Once or twice a week, my thoughts are unstoppable. I actually have more material than I can quickly turn into products at the moment.

When I fill up a notebook, about every two weeks, I date the front cover, go through it once for any outstanding items that still need attention, and stack it in the retired pile. The cool thing is, any time I'm stuck for ideas, I only have to riff back through a few old notebooks to have more than enough material to spin me into productivity again.

So, my vade mecum is my notebook, my personal reference manual that tells me where I'm going and what I'm doing.

It reduces stress because I don't have to keep all this information at the front of my brain. I just have to remember to check back through my notes every couple of days and do a few of the tasks to stay current. It reduces stress because I have a way to manage and encourage my creative flow of inspiration.

And of course my vade mecum is a tool for success for exactly the same reasons. I am capturing my thoughts in a flexible and useful format, honoring my creative ideas, and helping myself stay organized and up to date with business and household tasks.

What's your vade mecum? Is there something useful that you carry everywhere? Or a handy reference you can't live without? Let me hear from you with a posting here, or an email to Dr.Ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com.

Have a creative and peaceful day!

Dr. Ilenya

Author of e-books:
The Power of Personal Peace:
Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out,
A Way of Loving Intention
and
77 Loving Steps for Success

http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com

Massage and Tension Releasing Exercises

2006-09-03T23:49:00.000-04:00

I've just had a rather breathtaking visit from a high-energy friend, Pat, from Michigan and her talents gave me several ideas to share with you. (My husband was away and Pat and I had our own yoga/massage/walking retreat for a few days!)

On the theme of loving yourself into success by way of taking care of yourself for more relaxation and greater well-being overall, here are a few practical ideas you can use, related to massage and a couple of quick exercises for releasing tension and relaxing in the midst of a busy day. Check out the complete article at http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com/articles/exmasstips.htm

I'm planning to interview several highly skilled massage therapists soon to give you some insight on what to look for and what to expect in a good therapeutic massage.

All for now! Catch you again soon.

Joy and Peace,

Dr. Ilenya

Autumn and Articles

2006-08-31T20:31:00.000-04:00

Maples are turning red at slightly higher elevations. We're sliding right into autumn in Vermont. A sure sign: I'm cooking chili for a potluck dinner tomorrow night. I keep wondering, who speeded up the seasons? And for that matter, the hours in each day?

A friend from Michigan spent a few days visiting and we had a whirlwind of activity. I became a tourist in my own community and saw things I've missed in my first two years here. If you ever visit Burlington between May and October, the Shelburne Museum is well worth a visit. Among its rotating exhibits, we saw a collection of Georgia O'Keefe and another of Tasha Tudor, the famous childrens' book illustrator. The sprawling grounds are also home to a covered bridge, an old apothecary shop, a home from the 1700's complete with a fireplace big enough to sleep in, the steamship Ticonderoga, and much more that we didn't have time to explore.

Weight Loss Articles
For anyone who suspects stress may complicate your efforts to lose weight, I've just posted a series of four practical articles for your use in handling stress around weight loss issues! They reflect my take on loving yourself into less stress for weigh-in success. Go to http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com/articles/wtstress1.htm.

That's it for tonight! Have a wonderful weekend and I'll be in touch again soon.

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Author of e-book The Power of Personal Peace:
Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out

http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
Dr.Ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com

I'm baaack!

2006-08-17T23:02:00.000-04:00

Hi! I'm getting back in the swing of blogging after a few weeks
of focusing on another project! Three things today:

1) Musing on my summer in the Green Mountain State.
2) My new two-part article (stress and divorce) for you on my website.
Heartbreak to Healing: Beyond Surviving the Stress of Divorce
3) Thoughts about "gut feelings" and our "second brain."

1) Summer in Vermont is absolutely gorgeous. We attended
several of the Mozart Festival concerts in mountain meadows
and and on the shores of Lake Champlain and each magnificent
evening underscored why we enjoy living here! Besides the
wonderful music, I was especially captivated by the fireworks
over the mountains on two special evenings. I'm such a kid
at heart!

And it's been cool enough after dark recently that I made a fire
in the firepit again, and sat out reading way too late! What a
luxurious way to spend a summer night!

2) And here's the article intro:

From Heartbreak to Healing:
Beyond Surviving the Stress of Divorce

Divorce is one of the most stressful situations in the Western
world. For too many people, it is painful, ugly, and stressful
for months if not years. It turns your world topsy turvy and
your emotions inside out. Your self-esteem may bottom out,
you may be anxious or depressed, and you’re quite likely
struggling with financial fiascos, property problems and even
worse, child custody conflicts. Just when your heart is broken
because of parting from someone you once loved deeply, you
have to cope with a mountain of other stressors related to
loss and recreating your entire life to “single-hood.”

How can you use the turmoil of such a messy and difficult
time to actually lift yourself to a higher level of living? . . . .

First of all, I know you can move out of the paralyzing pain of
ending a marriage or relationship and into a positive and
growthful outlook, because I did it! Not once, but twice. . . .
For the rest of this article, go to
Heartbreak to Healing: Beyond Surviving the Stress of Divorce

3) Your "Second Brain"

A recent article at http://www.ananova.com/, "Scientists
discover 'second brain' in the stomach," rekindled a long-
standing interest of mine -- intuition! As described in this
and other articles, this second brain is a huge complex of
nerve cells traversing much of the digestive system.

Cutting edge researcher Professor Wolfgang Prinz of Munich
says, "People often follow their gut reactions without even
knowing why, it's only later that they come up with the
logical reason for acting the way they did. But we now believe
that there is a lot more to gut feelings than was previously
believed."

In an article from http://www.tilomedical.com/, Michael
Gershorn of Columbia University says, "Just as the brain
can upset the gut, the gut can upset the brain.” Gershorn
rediscovered the second brain after it was forgotten by
science. (It was first documented by Leopold Auerbach,
a German neurologist in the 19th century.) Gershorn is
considered one of the founders of a new field of medicine
called neuro-gastro-enterology.

From my point of view, beyond physiological reactions between
the brain and digestive system, this research provides exciting
confirmation of what many folks work with daily -- their gut
reactions to a multitude of triggers.

My gut-level feedback is invaluable, letting me know when
something is "off" in an interaction. When I get that certain
feeling in my tummy, I know to check more consciously into
what is going on -- with my rational mind, my observation,
or my intuition. This second-brain reaction is instant feedback
that lets me take quick corrective action in all sorts of situations.
Sometimes I just dig in my heels and won't budge because
it "just doesn't feel right."

Be aware of your gut-level responses! Based on my
personal experience and that of friends and clients,
you might feel these gut reactions a little above or just below
your belly-button. If you pay attention and learn to decipher
this valuable information from your second brain, you
can use these responses to lovingly guide yourself into success.
Plus, use this inner guidance system to help you avoid
stressful or inappropriate choices.

Keep an eye out for more news on this front.

© 2006 Ilenya Marrin, DSS. All rights reserved.
You may post this article elsewhere as long as you keep the
links intact. Please let me know if you are using it! Thank you.
Dr.Ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com

Forgiveness and Completions

2006-07-25T22:12:00.000-04:00

Hello!

A couple of things for you today . . . .

First, yesterday, a dear friend sent me a fascinating article by Joe Vitale.
It's about the power of love and forgiveness, applied in a radically
unexpected way. I just did a little research and learned that
Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len is a real person. I've heard my husband,
who is part Hawaiian, mention an ancient forgiveness process called
ho'oponopono for years.

The ho'oponopono approach parallels self-forgiveness processes
I've learned and practiced for over 20 years. I frequently teach
clients to use self-forgiveness, with powerful results, and I write
about how to do it and some of these results in my e-book,
The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself
from the Inside Out. I couldn't resist sharing this intriguing article
with you!

I invite you to join me in exploring this technique. You just might find
it powerful as a means of increasing your inner peace, and reducing
stress and other ills in your life. For the rest of the article, go to
Forgiveness and Love: The Great Healers on my website.

Second, I've been musing on how Spirit provides exactly the feedback
I need in my life! I make a habit of listening to an uplifting tape or
CD most nights as I fall asleep. I have so many of them, I just grab
a handful from my library, stack them by my bed and pop a fresh
one into the player each evening more or less at random. For the last
three nights, three different tapes have reminded me of the importance
of "completions."

Since completions -- finishing up the unfinished business, multitudes
of projects, ideas, books, promises, etc. -- are an important part of
creating both success and stress reduction, I thought I'd share briefly.

Lately, I've had more creative ideas than there is enough of me
to implement them! I'm working on two large teleseminar projects,
plus wanting to get more of my original articles out. I got enthusiastic
twice in the last few months about promoting my public speaking,
which I also thoroughly enjoy. But each time, I needed to put the
brakes on to handle other projects with deadlines.

These last few nights, I've become aware that I simply need to let
the idea of promoting myself as a speaker (involving a somewhat
different niche, national travel, etc.) wait a while. I need to complete
some of these other projects first. I can't spread my energy too thin
or I'll get stressed and I won't be making progress on any of my goals!

So, inside of me, I declared the new public speaking direction finished.
I can pick it up later if I want to. I can accept speaking engagements;
I just won't be doing a planned promotional project at present. I feel
a subtle relief! Yesterday I spent several hours clearing away lots of
little nagging incompletes (filing, phone calls, emails, follow up stuff)
and today was able to focus solidly on one of my teleseminar projects,
making great progress!

If you are spreading yourself too thin, consider where you most
need to do your own completions. What is "hanging out" in your life
and pulling on your energy, perhaps keeping your from moving
forward in important areas?

Remember that you have choices. You can actually finish or handle
these tasks, or you can "declare them done," and put them away.
You can say, "No, I'm not doing that after all." Or, "I've read to page
53 in this book. I'm done with it." And close the book and put it away.
It's a decision. It's yours to make if you wish.

Hope you're enjoying a wonderful week filled with summer delights!

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Ilenya Marrin, DSS is author of ebooks
The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself
from the Inside Out
and
A Way of Loving Intention

http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com

Here and Now Stress Relief plus Success Musings

2006-07-13T18:52:00.000-04:00

I hope you're having a wonderful summer! We're finally drying out in
Vermont.

A couple of things today: 1) A humorous story to inspire you and
2) my musings on moving step by step to success.

1) If you're reading this, you're probably a stressed out adult. With
all your responsibilities, some of you have fallen into the been-there,
done-that syndrome. Besides pushing and driving yourself to succeed,
and wearing stress and tension like a mandatory ID badge, you may
be a little drained and bored, forgetting to be fully engaged in
the moment.

Perhaps, like me, you occasionally find one of your biggest
entertainments in middle age is lying awake at night listening to
your skin go wrink, wrink, wrink.

I propose that to combat the slide into typical middle aged attitudes,
we focus on living fully - being fully engaged in the moment. Being
fully present is easy in youth - everything seems new! Looking with
the fresh eyes of youth can inspire us today.

I've posted a new article on my website, about here and now
stress relief, sharing a humorous story (Kissus Interruptus) from
many years ago. I hope it will inspire you to do something foolishly
fun and engaging so your moments capture your heart in fresh
ways! Click here to read the rest: http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com/articles/hereandnow.htm

2) My process consistently reflects to me my issues and areas
in which I need to love myself more fully!

When I started this journey of becoming an internet marketer, I admit
I had visions of quick riches. Well, at least some substantial product
sales! I also grabbed all the free information I could and tried to take
it all in overnight. Hah!

Too many ideas is a form of greed that throws me into as much
procrastination as days of dullness. Which to choose? And how to
handle the details? And frozen in my tracks I churned more
ideas and more ideas. That's a form of stress I'd rather do
without! Ideas without action are pretty fruitless.

I'm gradually learning to be more patient. I am building here,
step by step. I'm doing my best to love my process and the fact
that it takes time to learn and build a whole new career.

I will say that I've always tended to be a do-it-yourself kind of
person. So I'm willing to learn the nuts and bolts, the hands-on
strategies. I'm doing great at that! But it's challenging to keep
switching from the details of building web pages to the expansive
outlook of planning a teleseminar series of several months duration!
On the other hand, I thrive on variety, so it's excellent that I
have many different tasks to manage.

And then there's the part about being unsure of my direction, and
asking inwardly over and over for clarity. And sometimes that
clarity is slow to arrive. I'd been groping forward since the first
of this year, and I finally got the "missing links" for my upcoming
teleseminar series just about a week ago in a conversation with a
new colleague from California.

I'm excited and pleased to see how things are gradually coming
together. I've got my website functional again, so I'm not embarrassed
to send you there. I'm sure there will be more things to tweak, but
it'll do for now! I'm gradually moving ahead with three
fairly large projects. I'll be announcing one in early August.

Meanwhile, I'm grateful for my loyal subscribers. If you have
specific questions or topics you'd like to hear about, let me know.
Either email me at info@powerofpersonalpeace.com or click below
and post on this blog.

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Author of ebooks: The Power of Personal Peace:
Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out
and
A Way of Loving Intention
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
info@powerofpersonalpeace.com

Waving at You from Rain-Drenched Vermont

2006-06-28T23:05:00.000-04:00

OK, it's time for me to quit hiding even if my website and all the links are not functioning the way I want them to yet! In fact I still have a long list of things to fix, but tonight I'm motivated to come out from behind my rock and at least wave at you!

Would you believe I'm actually learning to do my own pages? Wow. Some of you who are technically inclined by nature (or just younger!) may think it's easy, but I'm really impressed with myself. I still have a lot to learn, but it's fun.

I have a wonderful mentor, Dan Hunt, of www.audiobarandgrill.com, and I highly recommend him if you want to learn web development, or if you want someone to do your site or record and edit audios for you. He's very talented and knowledgeable (and so is his wife, Deb, of www.mywebgal.com)! They do some excellent work for some very high powered marketers, but they are such down to earth and caring people!

When Dan started coaching me over the phone, I'd get all flustered with clicking in the wrong places, and he'd do this wonderful accepting chuckle, "Heh, heh, heh. You're not supposed to know how to do that yet!" He was so reassuring he made it very safe and easy for me to learn!

So, I revised my pages, and I switched to a new webhost, and some things are screwy, but in a little time I'll get it all working right again! Please be patient in the meanwhile!

Meanwhile, we've in the very slooooow process of getting the cedar siding exterior of our home power washed in preparation for re-staining. Last summer, my husband and I tried to touch up the stain but the results were less than satisfactory, so we stopped after two small upstairs walls. Of course, those two walls have presented the biggest challenge and don't look the same as the other walls. Yet. We're working on it! The power wash project has been a lot more time consuming than the contractor anticipated, and our Vermont rain has limited work time. So a job we expected to have completed in May is still just inching forward. I can't really complain though. It's the Vermont farmers who are suffering, and the state has just been declared a disaster area so they can get emergency loans to feed livestock and replant crops ruined by the rains.

Tonight was clear for a change. So I sat out back with a fire in the firepit, one of my newest pleasures. The wood was so damp it produced steam for the first hour. I sat with an uplifting book and my journal, watching the flames, the fireflies and the starry night sky. I am so grateful for such simple pleasures!

In another day or two I'll get back with the program of sending you some stress reduction articles, and I haven't forgotten my promise to put together a teleseminar featuring me, in the near future! Tonight, I'm just enjoying myself and saying hello.

As always, I welcome blog postings or emails. Let me know what you want to hear about in the way of less stress and more success! And loving yourself from the inside out!

Joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com

I can't even plead being stressed out

2006-06-09T21:53:00.000-04:00

Oh, my, where did the time go?

Do you ever have great plans and intentions but you lose track of them in the press of other business? I just did, with my goal of blogging three times a week or more! Ha! It's been nine days.

I can't even plead being stressed out -- I'm just busy and having fun taking each next step into my own version of success!

The good news is, I'm getting closer to having a much expanded website with many articles on stress reduction and related items for your use.

As most of you know by now, I'm big on reducing stress from the inside out, by lovingly, gently, and naturally changing your beliefs, attitudes and perspectives. (I'm not big on "Will Power" and forcing yourself to change!) I'm preparing for a new teleseminar series featuring me, myself and I, and probably beginning with an absolutely essential tool, Forgiveness -- of yourself and of others.

Stay tuned and I'll share detailed how-to-do-it information for releasing those insidious judgments! Forgiveness is a fabulous way to let go of the inner stress that eats at you relentlessly, unconsciously pulls your energy into procrastination and victim consciousness, and stops you from creating and enjoying the success of your heart's desires.

I hope to let you know dates to mark on your calendar by next week.

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Loving Your Neck Into Less Stress Spells Success

2006-05-30T21:24:00.000-04:00

I don't know how many of you, like me, carry tension in your neck and shoulders. But chiropractors love me, because I just keep showing up every week for another adjustment!
All my personal healing and clearing work also helps, but that chronic tension has continued for years -- at least up to now!

About a month ago, tucked away in a closet, I found a gift from a dear friend. Along with some really excellent chiropractic treatment and my own spiritual/energetic clearing work, it seems to be helping my neck quite a bit.

I wanted to share my discovery because it's a way of loving yourself into less stress and more success!

It's a simple homemade flannel pillow filled with rice, about three and a half pounds of rice to be exact, to be heated in the microwave. I heat it for four and a half minutes, wrap it in a light towel for extra protection for my skin, and place it under my neck when I crawl into bed. I can scrunch the rice around so it is very comfortable as a support under my neck. The heat is soooo relaxing. The rice remains very warm for over an hour, which is just about right for helping my neck to relax as I fall asleep. Somewhere about an hour into sleep time, I wake up (I always did even without the rice pillow) and drop the rice pillow to the floor.

My neck has been more relaxed each morning, and my chiropractor says I'm doing much better. I note that her adjustments are "holding" better and longer.

My rice pillow is about 8 inches by 22 inches, made of simple white patterned flannel, of the kind you might get to make a baby blanket. You could easily make a pillow for yourself if this sounds useful. Just sew up something of about this size using soft but sturdy fabric, fill it with 3.5 pounds of inexpensive rice, and sew the end closed. The rice should have plenty of room to flow around inside the casing.

Or get a friend who's handy with a sewing machine to whip one up for you.

I like it because it's natural -- no wires to a heating pad, for instance. It smells good when I heat the rice. It feels very comforting and definitely helps my neck and shoulders to relax. Even now that the weather is warmer, I'm using it nightly.

Some doctors I've known have recommended ice, especially for muscle spasms or trauma such as a sprain or strain. But with my chronic tension, this gentle warmth is working as well as anything in many, many years. I thought I'd let you know in case you want to experiment.

If you are under a doctor's care for any serious neck problems, be sure to check with him or her first! My doc approves of this for me.

Let me know if you have any especially effective tension tamers that help you let go of stress.
You can post a comment on this blog, or email me at ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com.

Sending you Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Ilenya Marrin, DSS
Author of ebooks The Power of Personal Peace:
Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out
and
A Way of Loving Intention
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com

Keep the Change

2006-05-29T21:07:00.000-04:00

Hello!

Many of you are stressed by financial considerations, so I'd like to share a few resources -- today, about phone providers -- for taking small steps to control expenses. Also, if you're loving yourself into new levels of success, being vigilant and spending wisely is a key skill.

I'm a fan of simple living and have learned and practiced such strategies for years now, even though we have a comfortable income. Maybe I inherited my frugal genes from my mother who grew up in the depression era!

Yesterday morning I had an email from a subscriber in Bhutan, and found myself making suggestions about inexpensive phone contact possibilities. This inspired me to share briefly with all of you a few tidbits which you may or may not already know, and which may assist some of you with access to my teleconference calls.

First, for those in the US, and like traditional phone systems, if you're not already using a national flat rate long distance plan, I suggest you check out this possibility with your phone provider. It made a big difference in my phone bills and I'm free to call my elderly mom and talk as long as I want, and to listen to as many teleconference calls as I want without worry.

As for cell phones, I know more and more people have switch over to them entirely. I have one and use it some, but I don't keep it turned on consistently. It's more for my convenience if I'm away from the house and need to make a call. So I won't address cell phones further here.

But I've recently discovered more options and will be using these more and more in the future.

For international calls, I've been delighted with Skype.com. I think people with older, slower dial up internet connections report a few problems, like losing a call and having to reconnect periodically, but otherwise it is really neat. (My brother is working from a 10-year old set up and says he can't use it.) You download Skype to your computer. You get a headset/microphone ($25-$30)that plugs into your computer. You click a few times and you can talk to any other Skype user in the world, free.

Once I discovered that the volume control is a little switch on the line between my headphone and computer, I was completely happy with the quality of the connection. Yesterday when I went to use Skype, over 6 million people were connected worldwide, currently talking this way.

You can also buy a phone card from Skype allowing you to talk to people on their regular phones for very little money. For people in North America, I believe Skype is currently promoting a special allowing free calls to regular phones in North America through the end of this year.

One caution. For Skype and any of the Voice Over Internet Protocol (VOIP) phone systems, you do not want to do away with your land line entirely because these programs cannot connect you with 911 for emergency service! So keep your land line phone at a minimum rate and explore some other inexpensive possibilities for your long distance communications.

A similar program is now available through Yahoo. The link is http://messenger.yahoo.com/

There are a couple of other services providing less pricey phone connections, but I have not personally used them. I've seen some very positive comments from one of my alumni associations from people using Vonage at www.Vonage.com.

Here's information from my friend and colleage in the UK, Stuart Nelson, LLB, CEO of StressKill Services and specialist in stress reduction for nurses. By all means, email him at success-story@aweber.com to receive his highly informative newsletter!
There are several VOIP phone programs available. This is one that Stuart mentioned liking from personal use.

"You asked for information about VoipStunt. It can be downloaded from http://www.voipstunt.com and the charge is 10 Euros (approximately $10) for 120 days. This give as much access as you want during that period to free landline calls to the following countries:

"Andorra, Argentina, Australia,Austria, Belgium,Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Denmark, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Gibraltar, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, Ireland, Italy, Japan, Latvia, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Monaco, Mongolia,
Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Panama, Peru, Portugal, Singapore, Slovenia, South Korea, Spain, Sweden, Taiwan, Thailand, United Kingdom, United States, Venezuela

"Cell phones can be rung at discounted rates. If you use this facility, the 10 Euro credit gradually reduces. I imagine that if you use it a lot, you might have to pay another 10 Euros before the end of the 120 day period."

If you've had great experiences with any other specific providers who help you to keep phone charges really low, please let me know and I'll do a follow up blog entry in a few weeks. Either post a comment on this blog, or email me at ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com.

That's it for today, but stay tuned for more Keep the Change tips in the future.

And please sign in for my blog and leave comments. I'd especially like to know what you want to learn from me, related to stress reduction, personal peace, loving yourself from the inside out, loving yourself into greater success, and so forth.

By the way, I tried to leave a post on Megan's blog after receiving her comments on a recent post, but I was unable to complete the transaction on her blog. Something was a little off in the system.

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Letting You In to My Success

2006-05-23T23:59:00.000-04:00

Tonight I received an email from a graduate student doing a project on What Is Success, in the context of spiritual psychology. She asked for stories of success, and I was moved to share mine. Here's how I answered her questions.
I tried to be just as simple, straightforward and neutral as I could be.

1. What is your Success Story (from the dream to accomplishing the dream)? Please include any challenges.

I always wanted to be a writer, from the time I was six, when I composed long poems about the Fairy Paranabou on my Big Chief tablet. I took journalism classes and was the editor of my high school newspaper. After college, I became a social worker and my writing consisted of case notes and court reports! I married and divorced, then went to live in England for a couple of years. I left art supplies in storage in Texas and took my typewriter (easier to carry). I wrote poetry and enrolled in London’s City Literary Institute for a short story writing class. But I was busy with many activities and didn’t do too much with this.

Back in the States I discovered positive thought, affirmations, Religious Science and much more. I remember reciting hundreds of times: “I’m a writer, an author, I am success, flowing in wholeness and happiness.” I spent ten years as an editor/publicist/marketing manager for the Continuing Education Division at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and won a few cool awards in the process.

During that time, I switched career paths to counseling, getting my Masters from UNLV and immediately getting another Masters from USM, graduating in 1988. While attending USM I began a fantasy novel (still not published) called Copperstar. I also wrote The Smart Beginner’s Playbook as part of my second year project. A few years later, during my third year of USM, I wrote a how to text, Ask Inside (also not published). A little later I got the urge to write a mystery novel and produced the first draft of Capital Casework, a cozy featuring a social worker sleuth. (Guess what. It’s not published either.) Each of these books took months or years to complete and then languished on my closet shelf. A couple of rejections of my query letters did me in.

I completed the Doctor of Spiritual Science degree through Peace Theological Seminary in 2002 and had a notion that my Practical Treatise (Attuning to the Name of God) contained book material. I moved from the LA area to Michigan to join my husband who had taken a job there. In Michigan, I couldn’t find a job in counseling or social work, presumably because I was seen as over qualified. I couldn’t even get interviews for entry level work and I didn’t have connections to network into higher level positions. So I began to formulate the intention that I wanted a “portable career.” My husband was still subject to transfers and I was tired of starting over in new communities!

In 2004 I started work on a new book using some of my treatise research and findings. I started with pilot workshops to test the processes, and drafted a book length manuscript. In the fall of 2004, I queried the few publishers who didn’t require an agent. One was quite tempted by my approach, but my work didn’t fit the narrow niche of her company.

About that time I had a dream in which I had shot arrows into the universe and one came back with a bent tip. A message attached to it said, “This is not submissible, so we’re forming a plan to launch you instead.” I noted this dream in my journal and went on with preparations for moving from Michigan to Vermont because of my husband’s work.

Another writer friend took a look and said I had two or three books in one in that manuscript.

So, in between another cross country move, settling in, doing a new job in a new community, etc., I extracted text and created one very small book, A Way of Loving Intention. Last August, 2005, I was contemplating a final edit of WOLI and how to come up with funds to self-publish. My life coach nudged me to consider turning it into an ebook for publication on-line. He sent me a link to a free teleseminar by Ellen Violette. I signed up for Ellen’s 3-Day Quick Start E-Book Authoring Class to finish my book and propel myself into getting it published some way or another.

The first night of the class, Ellen strongly encouraged me to follow her process and create a new book. So I did. From concept to market research to writing, I produced a very respectable draft of a new book in three days of work. Wow! I was so impressed that I signed up for Ellen’s 10 week Internet Marketing Class for E-book Authors. I waited until it began in October, and then did what she said to do step by step.

Considering I knew nothing about internet marketing or ebooks a year ago, I’ve come a very long way indeed. My ebook The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out, was published in December 2005. A Way of Loving Intention needs a cover and then I’ll release it as an ebook also.

I’m steadily learning more about internet marketing. I have a website, which will soon be expanding from 5 to 35 pages. I've learned to build my own web pages. I do regular teleseminars. I blog on subjects related to my niche. I have about 1200 subscribers to my newsletter mailing list. I’ve been invited to co-develop and co-teach a class for coaches for a huge organization, and have begun that process with my colleague. I consider that I’m still laying the foundation for my business, but it's beginning to have a life of its own. My book is a ticket to credibility as an expert and I am feeling my way step by step as this unfolds. I feel like I have “backed into” a new career and I just now have enough information about my new field to start making some informed choices on how to direct myself.

2. How did you accomplish your dream?
This is the first time I’ve spelled it out from start to finish like this. I must say, I’ve simply gone step by step. I’ve had many disappointments and appeared to lay aside and ignore my dream from time to time over the years. But I kept coming back to it!! I definitely had spiritual help, from my inner spiritual master and the Christ Consciousness. I couldn’t have done this without the inner support. Also extremely important was the support of my husband, who is another USM grad, and my coach. My husband yelled when I tried to give up, he challenged when I faltered, and he was always there with his loving. My coach helped me to hold the focus and stay accountable to myself through all sorts of life changes.

3. How does it feel to be living your dream? How has your life changed?
My life is a lot more fun now! I feel I’m finally doing something I’m meant to be doing, in perfect timing. The many threads of my experience are coming together in a beautiful way. I use my counseling, speaking, writing, marketing and artistic skills and much more, often all of them in a single day. I’m enjoying a flow of creative energy like nothing I’ve ever known! I wake up with ideas and put them into action right away.

4. What do you attribute as the key to your success?
Persistence. Loving myself enough to keep going. Loving myself enough to keep growing on every level possible so that I was ready when the timing was right for me to step beyond my previous boundaries.

It was a blessing for me to write this out and see how my process has unfolded in such a gradual and gentle manner. I'm not defining this level of success as finished, either! There is surely more unfolding day by day and I am open to the miracles of the process.

I'll be inviting you to join me in more upcoming teleseminars. Stay tuned.
In Loving and Light,
Dr. Ilenya

P.S. If you want more information about Ellen Violette and her classes, click here
http://www.marketerschoice.com/app/aftrack.asp?afid=295952

Isn't This Fun?

2006-05-21T22:35:00.000-04:00

Whatever it is, isn't this fun?

The frustrations come -- like having to try six times before getting the audio replay line right to get to my colleague Gabriele so she can post it for those who missed the call last Thursday (Propelling Yourself Forward)! And I still have to giggle inwardly. Thank God for all my blessings!! This adventure called life is such a -- I don't know what to call it! A remarkable experience. An amazing journey.

Cooperation is a big part of success. And loving yourself is a big part of cooperating with what is.

Lately, I'm working on loving myself as I deal with just what is present. Not that I feel a need to stick around and get hit by a falling brick, or let someone step on my toes, mind you. But if there are situations that might irritate me, I'm doing my best to love them. It's part of my strategy to stay in a loving space within myself.

A lot of the little situations that tweak my peace into imbalance are ones where I would like to be in control. Ah, yes. The master addiction, control! First of all, it's such a fallacy to think that I am in control of any situation or of any other people. Second, it's a useless struggle to try to be in control. Life just doesn't work that way. The very best I can do is some semblance of self-control and even that doesn't work all the time.

Here's how I see it working. I think I should have things my way. For instance, my husband and I often get crosswise about when to eat dinner. I'm hungry way before he is. He wants to keep playing bridge on line and I want to finish cooking and eat.
Now this seems like such a simple thing, but we have to negotiate a dinner hour anew almost every evening. Bottom line: I want him to be hungry when I am hungry. And I want to get in and out of the kitchen to go on with my other tasks. He's on a totally different time table, most of the time. His biological timer is wired differently. And he thinks hunger is an emotion and you just tell it to be quiet.

When I stay relaxed and we can easily compromise and choose a time to shoot for, I can eat a snack and wait with relative equanimity. When I let myself get too hungry, or when I forget to hold my viewpoint as an observer, I start trying to control the situation and my husband. Being equally as hard-headed as me, he let's me know right away that isn't a good option. And we get cross and cranky and sometimes go on to be irritated about more things! My little habitual-pattern attempt to control can escalate into a full scale argument if we're not careful!

So, recently, my inner dialogue goes something like this.

"There he (or she or it) goes again. Yes, I'm judging this."
"Ah, but we said we'd love it all."
"I know. I'm working on it."
"So, let's focus on just loving me working on loving the situation."
"Sure. This must be just perfect in some way because it is what is. It's all a part of God. So I'm asking for help to accept what is without judging. And on loving myself even if I'm judging."

I find that even writing about my control pattern takes me back into the energy of judging and being out of balance, stressed, unhappy with what is.

But when I read my little inner dialogue, I start to muse about the wacky lessons of life and my joy just starts to bubble up inwardly. I start to smile, I start to feel good again. Peace is present.

It's a choice as to where I place my focus. I don't have to like the dinner control struggle that we play out repeatedly, but I can love myself, love my husband, and extend my loving to our process. I can choose to stay in my personal peace. This spells success on many levels!

So, I'm back to working on posting my audio file -- attempt number seven coming up.

Meanwhile, as always,
I'm wishing you joy, peace, loving, success and inner giggles!

Dr. Ilenya

Ilenya Marrin, DSS
Author of ebooks: The Power of Personal Peace:
Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out
and
A Way of Loving Intention
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com

Balance and Impeccability for Success

2006-05-19T22:58:00.000-04:00

This will be short tonight, but I wanted to get this post out as part of my process for today!

You see, this morning in my Spiritual Exercises, I got a little inner message to handle what's in front of me with impeccability. Whew! To me, that means attention to detail, integrity, doing what I say I'm going to do, going for excellence in what I do, and so on. I was in the process of shutting down my computer when I remembered I meant to make a blog posting! So here I am.

This is also a part of living with balance. As I take small steps toward my goals, I'm creating balance. If I leave unfinished business, I leave energy "hanging out" and it pulls on my consciousness, nags at me, distracts me from the peace that I prefer to enjoy. It becomes a stressor.

One of the areas that has felt out of balance for me recently is having too many projects underway, especially small projects involving other people. And feeling I didn't have time for my own projects, my bigger goals. So posting tonight is one very small and simple way that I'm taking a step forward in one of my projects. I'm doing this much for building my own business. Another centimeter of progress is taking place! It does add up to success!

Have a great weekend!
Joy, peace and lots of loving and success to you,
Dr. Ilenya

Confessions and Completions for Less Stress, More Success

2006-05-16T21:22:00.000-04:00

What can I say? The stress doc gets stretched thin and a bit stressed at times!
Whew! Right now I have too many small projects that demand immediate attention and I'm not getting to my big projects, like completing the expansion of my website.

Want to know what I'm up to? As a member of the Vermont State Guard Medical Corps I'm about to take an amateur radio class and I'm reading a rather large text to be prepared for the class! It's a lot to absorb for non-techie me, all about Ohms and Amps and Volts and operating rules. But I've had a lifelong interest in emergency preparedness and when Katrina hit the Gulf states last fall, I started checking into my community's status in case of various disasters. I ended up volunteering for the State Guard. Am I crazy or what?

So that's one of my little extras going on right now, all because I saw an opportunity do be of community service and the ham class was being offered on one of my rare free weekends!

I've just done two weekends out of town, attending a spiritual retreat in the Catskill Mountains of New York and then a spiritual lecture in Boston. Those were definitely times of upliftment and renewal, but I came back to loads of unread emails and all the household chores that didn't get done on the weekends away.

I do my best to let things go -- and have dust on furniture to prove it! LOL! But still, some things I gotta do on a regular basis.

I have two cool interviews coming up in my teleseminar series -- redoing Gabriele Reign's call on Propelling Yourself Forward (because of technical difficulties on the first run), and the following week, CoachLyon (Richard Lyon) on reducing stressors of "Honorable Unemployment." (Email me at ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com if you want the details.)

I'm learning, learning, learning more web and marketing tools, including beginning to delve into Photoshop -- totally fun but I'm still at the "What's this?" phase. I'm preparing to co-develop a class for professionals on how they can teach their clients about stress reduction. I have a few individual clients, mostly by phone -- some for coaching, and some for spiritual counseling and clearing work. I have articles and another book in the works.

And then there's the matter of getting the cedar siding on our home re-stained soon, and having a few dangerously tipping poplar trees removed from the property, and staying in close touch with my elderly mom (in Texas) who's having some health issues. And listening to my husband who's in a very demanding job, and cooking (which is mostly fun!) and on and on. And all too often, cleaning the litter box and the bathroom floor when 10-year old Crystal cat manages to miss her target!

So yesterday morning during my Spiritual Exercises, I got the message, "You might not want to start any more new projects until you complete some of your current ones." Do you suppose that would be smart? LOL! OK, I can take a hint! I'm very grateful that such logical and common sensical advice comes through in my meditation time!

I know better than to spread myself so thin! It always takes a while to dig my way out of the overload. And there are just times when it seems so "right" to keep saying "Yes" to new opportunities! But as my mom used to say, "Now it's time to pull in your horns." (Being a double Taurus, I can relate really well to this image.)

So, my way of loving myself just now is to focus on wrapping up some of my projects, bringing them to completion. Completion means no karma hanging out. No unfinished actions with dangling energy to trip me up. It means doing what I said I would do, or renegotiating the agreement. It means renegotiating agreements with myself when necessary. It means looking again at my "Ideal Scene" for my business and refocusing on the most important actions. For me, that's largely an intuitive process. I ask for spiritual guidance daily and, despite my questing and questioning mind, manage to trust it most of the time.

For me, creating success is more of zig zag process than a straight line. I expand when I'm feeling expansive, then I may overdo it and have to pull back a little, like now. I regroup and move forward again. As I say in my books, though, the most important thing seems to be to hold a loving focus, a loving intention with myself and the people and situations I'm dealing with. I swear that in spite of the many, many challenges, it's a joyful adventure this way!

You know, I'm feeling my way forward with my business and with this blog. My aim is to connect with and build a community of people of like mind and I'm realizing I may need to reveal more of my personal approach to life to do that. I hope that some of you find this information useful. Once more, I invite you to post comments or questions.

And if you need to simplify a bit, look at what is incomplete in your projects list. See if there are things you can wrap up, cross off the list, and forget about. Or move to the next level. Or decide not to do them after all.

Meanwhile, always, I'm wishing you love, joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Ilenya Marrin, DSS
Author of ebooks The Power of Personal Peace:
Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out
and
A Way of Loving Intention
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com

Reclaiming Your Life with Self-Loving

2006-05-11T21:44:00.000-04:00

For some reason, this story was on my mind when I woke up this morning.

Over the years, I've worked with a few people who've taken back their lives after struggling with very dysfunctional family relationships for years. That struggle is a high order stressor, and the process of reclaiming their own identity, self-respect and self-loving is a huge challenge but so worthwhile!

If you are like the people I've known going through anything like this, you may go through all the symptoms of grief as if a loved one died. That's how enormous the changes are!

On the other hand, you are excited and enthusiastic to be discovering new skills in self-loving and self-respect, learning that you are worthy to receive of the goodness of life. You don't have to let your family (spouse, kids, parents) trample all over you, nor do you need to stay locked into a pattern where you are tempted to lash out at them in self-defense.

One person I knew years ago left a chaotic, painful situation, leaving her alcholic husband with three out of control drug-using, street wise kids. "How terrible," some would say. "What a bad mother," they might think.

From my viewpoint, this person took a great leap of courage and faith to break free of an extremely toxic family dynamic. Instead of participating and further enabling those unhealthy interactions, she moved herself to a higher vantage point. While working full time, she went back to school and obtained her Masters degree in counseling. She entered whole-heartedly into her own process of therapy, learning to function in new and much healthier ways. She also learned to forgive and accept herself. She started acting like someone who loves herself.

After a little time, she became a major factor in helping each of her children to make positive and healing changes. As she learned to care for herself, she "filled her own cup" and had some overflow of loving energy to share with the kids.

None of this happened overnight. It actually took years to unfold, the way family actions typically do. Each person had to find his or her own space to grow and transform.

Not only did this mom deal with the stress of leaving, handling her emotions such as grief and guilt, anger and hurt, she dealt with financial stress of working and attending college, and the emotional stress of helping her family as best she could while taking care of herself and maintaining her own balance.

She also managed her internal pain of getting honest with herself, letting go of old habitual ways of looking at relationships, and much more. She had to choose, over and over, that she was worthy of a better life, that she was doing the best she could, that she refused to get sucked back into the old patterns. There were plenty of rocky moments where those old hateful patterns resurfaced and called for healing. She got through them the best she could minute by minute and day by day.

In this story, stress was high for everyone involved. The stakes were high. The choices were hard. This mother could stay with her family and they could all continue in a downward spiral of pain and misery, or she could do something radically different -- get out and change herself. In choosing the latter, she fervently hoped that the others would be all right, that they would also find help, but she had no guarantees. She was terrified for herself and them.

But she kept looking for the next step for a higher road, a better way, some way to lift herself so that she could have the perspective and balance to make wiser choices. She began to seek, and find, a spiritual path that supported her. Her journey got a little smoother, though still with plenty of challenges.

Bottom line: In taking care of herself, she ultimately helped all the rest of the family immensely.

I'm sharing my memories and thoughts on this subject because we need to recall that dealing with stress and loving yourself into success do not come without a price. For some the price is extreme. But you can get through whatever it is. If you keep choosing the most loving options available, for yourself and the others involved, you will get where you need to go.

I've consistently found that those who are on some sort of spiritual path have an easier time, have more inner resources, have a greater sense of being buoyed up in times of challenge. No matter what your faith or spiritual practices, use them in your times of greatest stress and challenge.

Three simple, practical approaches to combine with prayer or meditation according to your faith:

Get quiet and ask yourself some hard questions, and pay attention as the answers come. Let your inner Coach guide you lovingly to your next steps.

Write yourself a letter listing all the problems of your stressful or challenging situation, all the pros and cons and possible solutions, and burn it. Let it go. Enjoy the sense of release. Be watchful for any new information that comes your way as guidance for next steps.

Take your dilemma on a long walk and ask for spiritual guidance according to your faith. As you approach the end of your walk, let go of the mulling and musing and give it all over to God, to Spirit, to the Divine Essence of Life. Let it go. Get on with your next tasks. Be alert for any new awareness or resources that might show up for you.

Less stress, more success, walking through your life choosing your inner peace and loving. I keep working on it! Hope you are joining me!

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

P.S. I'd love to hear from you with comments, questions, or topics that you'd like me to write about. Maybe you want to ask about a specific kind of situation. If it has to do with loving yourself into success and less stress, into more love, self-acceptance, and personal peace, let me know what you're thinking. You can post a comment or question here on the blog, or you can email me at ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com. I don't guarantee a personal answer, but that is a possibility as time permits. I would quite likely to be able to respond in this blog.

Thoughts on Stress, Your Dreams and Small Steps

2006-05-09T22:20:00.000-04:00

When is pushing a little too stressful? When do you need to push to hold with your integrity and create your dreams?

One reason I share about success and stress reduction from a point of view of loving yourself from the inside out, is that it's the only way I've found to create some sort of balance, consistently.

I've been through years of trying to be Superwoman, to the point that I eventually wrecked my health and took years to recover. I've had times (especially while restoring my health) when I just vegetated for several months. By walking through these adventures, I've learned that my own inner loving is an incredible guide.

When I ask, "What is the loving thing to do now?" I'll just get an inner sense that I need to stop and let all the rest of the tasks go so I can rest. Or, as just now, that it is time to record my thoughts on the blog even though I'm tired at the end of a long and productive day. I feel happy and not stressed writing this, just ready for the end of a peaceful and successful day taking my next steps in figuring out how to assist my readers even more.

This is a small step in staying connected.
Let me hear from you!

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

How Are You Balancing Your Life for Success

2006-05-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

When it comes to life on this planet, whew! There's always a trade off of time and energy for what we want -- dollars, things, qualities of life that we value whether tangible or intangible.
I've taken on some contract work trading time for dollars and I'm feeling the pinch in my time for developing my business in other ways.

There've been times when I had more money and was quite willing to pay for other people to provide services. At other times, money was short and I wanted to do it myself. I note that part of creating success through a process of self-loving and compassion means staying alert to that delicate balance. What is the best solution now? How can I best take care of my many needs? Not just the financial and physical wants, but my emotional and mental and self-nurturing needs.

Part of success is learning to love myself through the choices, and to keep making the choices for my growth and expansion. To keep loving myself into transformation. And that means making the choices, not procrastinating and letting those choices happen by default.

Happily, I'm off for a retreat this weekend, to regenerate and nurture my inner awareness. That's my ultimate success barometer! How's my level of loving, joy and peace? When I'm centered in that spiritual inner awareness, it seems easier to make the outer choices, easier to keep taking the next steps for my growth.

Today I spoke with a 51-year old in another state who discovered in our conversation that she needs to learn to play. That is the method of balancing for stress reduction and success that is "up" for her just now.

Someone else is working diligently to hold a positive and loving frame of mind while dealing with major health issues.

Another is learning to love himself enough to have the deeply committed relationship with Ms. Right that he's always wanted.

Another is juggling graduate school with wedding preparations and a parent who is quite ill, navigating multiple stress channels by maintaining clear communication with himself and others.

Yet another is learning to manage her practical life in more self-respecting ways, to match the remarkable depth of her spiritual awareness.

Here's hoping that you are finding ways to calibrate your inner balance as you walk through your life! May your process of lovingly learning, growing and uplifting yourself be filled with ease and grace, as well as whatever outer success you're aiming for.

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

What is Success

2006-04-30T22:09:00.000-04:00

Wow! I can't believe it's been two weeks since I posted! I've been busy learning new skills and preparing articles for my website. I'll let you know soon when those are all ready. It'll be a rich resource not only for stress reduction but for meditation, loving yourself into success, and more!

Tomorrow is my birthday -- a big one, and it's cause to reflect.

What is success? To me, it's doing exactly what I'm doing right now, taking my next steps on a daily basis in the unfoldment of my goals of providing excellent information and services to help you with loving yourself into success, less stress and more happiness and well-being.

Some people would say that's all fine but very fluffy!

Ha! It sounds fluffy when you just read the words. But having spent over thirty years applying the techniques I share, I know that in the experience level, the steps of loving yourself are anything but fluffy. They are practical and doable.

Last night, I stayed up very late reading a fantasy novel, so I was extra tired this morning. I had planned to attend the local Unity church, but when I checked inwardly (while still under the covers) I intuitively got "No," don't go. Well, I knew that might just be "tired" speaking, so while getting dressed I tuned in again.

This time, I got "Yes, go," so a bit later I set off driving to the church. Twenty minutes into my drive, I realized I had made a wrong turn and was almost into Burlington. It was now almost time for the service to begin and if I drove over I'd be 20 minutes late. So I checked intuitively again and got "Go home." I went home and spent the next couple of hours sitting with my husband doing Spiritual Exercises (like meditation).

Now, I don't know why this happened the way it did. I don't know why I got confusing and contradictory answers from my usually clear intuitive self. I don't know why I spaced out and missed my very familiar route. I do know that I had a lovely drive in the spring sunshine. I know that I deeply appreciated doing SEs for two hours. I'm choosing to believe that this experience is exactly what I needed today!

Looking at my day as just perfect, including confusion and missing my turn, is one way of loving myself into success. When I can stay peaceful and loving in the midst of confusion, and when I can look for the best in whatever is present, I am indeed loving myself (not judging any of this). In the loving, in the self-compassion and self-acceptance, I find greater wherewithal for letting success emerge.

How, I muse, did I learn to love myself? Well, I practiced, a lot. I'm still practicing.

I suppose most of all, it's a choice. I keep choosing loving responses. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's very hard. The hard ones are when I feel like I'm not in control and my ego wants to be in control to feel safer and more secure! When I feel out of control, it's easy to start judging myself as stupid, incompetent, unspiritual, etc. And those are the times when I most need my own loving and acceptance. Those are the times when I need my inner support to help me keep going with integrity and enthusiasm, past the obstacles and into success. So I move back to choosing the loving responses as fast as I can. And it is generally much faster than a few years ago.

I invite your comments, questions and responses. Do my comments inspire you, encourage you, make you think? Are there other related subjects you'd like to hear about?

Joy and Peace to you,
Dr. Ilenya

Causeway Reflections on Peace and Success

2006-04-15T12:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday on my walk on the Colchester Causeway, I noticed stagnant, brackish water on one side and fresh clear water on the other.

I actually paused to inspect the clear water carefully, as it was not perceptibly flowing. A light breeze tickled the surface, water bugs skated in random patterns, and reflections of the still winter-sparse trees danced in the late afternoon sun. But I couldn't see this water moving in any particular direction.

As I pondered, some analogies seemed obvious. Ifyou are a typical harried and overcommitted person, when you think about slowing down to reduce stress, you fear turning into a murky puddle of going-nowhere bog-water. Where is the action, the excitement?

I believe that's a secret fear for many of you who procrastinate on taking next steps for personal peace. You are afraid to miss anything, afraid to say no to anything, afraid of losing out on something important. You want it all, even at the expense of your health and well-being.

Do you experience life now as a rather head over heels rush but you're not sure where you are going? Are you putting energy out in a dozen directions and they all sort of fizzle out or dry up before going too far? If so, you're expending a lot of energy but not necessarily getting the rewards that you want.

What if you slowed down and became like the crystal clear water I saw on the other side of the causeway? Even better, what if you set up your life such that you experience a gentle flow toward a larger goal? What if you create more balance and inner peace and at the same time, give yourself a direction for success? What ifyou commit to gently following a dream, or creating your heart's desire?

I know that my walks help me to slow down and"gather myself" inwardly. They allow me time to reconnect with nature and more importantly, with myself and my experience of the Divine. When I take time to connect with the earth and the majesty of creation, I renew my direction. My life is very full, and I manage several projects. I can easily get caught up inthe busy-ness of all my tasks! Taking time for me, through meditation and prayer, through walking, and sometimes through "just sitting," is essential for maintaining balance and my own personal peace.

Loving myself through all the crazy, frustrating and upsetting times is part of the process too. We're human. As long as we don't shut ourselves off from loving, I don't see how we can turn into the brackish bog-water. The more we choose loving ourselves into peace, the better our chances for a gentle flow into our larger selves.

Based on my experience, you can create an "upward spiral" of loving yourself into greater peace, and from that place of balance within, allow your creativity to bring forward your personal path to success. Creativity and success will encourage you to expand, and you may become overcommitted again. But that can be a reminder to come back to your process for personal peace, and onward and upward again.

Note: I'm working to expand my website with articles of related to loving yourself into greater peaceand success. Stay tuned!

Joy and Peace to you,
Dr. Ilenya

Success from the Inside Out

2006-04-11T20:08:00.000-04:00

Success from the Inside Out

If I had known last August all that I'd have to be learning by now, would I have lept into internet marketing so freely?

The answer is, I don't know. I like to think I would have, but I might have been intimidated.
I keep saying the learning curve is vertical! For a non-techie, I've made amazing strides.

I've sort of backed into a new career. First, a couple of years ago, I was tired of starting over in a new community as a social worker or psychotherapist each time my husband got transferred. Frequently when I would sit for spiritual exercises, I would lovingly pose some version of the following questions, "What are my next steps for my career? What is God's will for me?"

I got the notion that I needed a "portable career" and thought writing and speaking would be a way to go. I began to hold an intention for this in a very loose and general way, always with my "insurance clause" prayer -- in the Light for the highest good of all concerned.

I drafted a book, was told it was really two or three books in one, and I eventually extracted one slender volume and have more to finish with the rest! Then last August, my life coach Richie Lyon nudged me into checking out a Three-Day Quick Start Ebook Authoring class by Ellen Violette, The Ebook Coach. Richie's idea was that Ellen's class would help me put the finishing touches on the book I was completing.

When I started Ellen's class, she suggested using the time to write a book from scratch! I rose to the occasion and produced a brand new one, The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out. I also caught the vision that with internet marketing of my book, I could build the portable career I wanted! But I was such a newbie regarding the internet that I waited (impatiently) for six or seven weeks, until Ellen's 10-week internet marketing class began in October. Then I simply started doing what she said to do, practicing many new suggestions as they floated across the radar screen of my learning.

By December, I had a designer finishing my website, and I squeaked into participation in the 12 Days of Christmas gift promotion, so I got a start on building a list of people interested in stress reduction. I started blogging, sending occasional notes to my newsletter list, and now I've done two teleseminars. I'm learning the basics of doing my own web pages. I've started sending articles to article directories.

The learning curve is still pretty much straight up, but I'm doing what internet marketers do.

One of my recent articles on stress reduction builds on the idea of first Being, then Doing, then Having the positive results. Right now, I'm thinking of that in terms of success.

My process has surely been an unfolding from the inside out. First I had the intuitive awareness (from the center of my Being) that I needed a "portable career." I would mull this over periodically and eventually used it as part of my impetus to start a new writing project about two years ago.

As I started writing, (Doing) I did a pilot project of a six week workshop to test my processes and materials, and to create working deadlines for myself as an author. Then we moved again! This time it was from the Detroit area to the Burlington area of Vermont. I did a little crisis counseling to get acquainted with the community, I taught a college class, filling in for a professor who was ill, and I've had a handful of private clients. Once more, being a highly qualified professional starting over in a new community left me frustrated and feeling I didn't fit in.

Less than nine months ago I discovered the possibility of writing an ebook. Six months ago I started to learn internet marketing. It's filled a big void in my life. I get to help people from all over the world, be creative, use my writing, speaking and people skills, and keep learning every day! I need to be organized and manage myself well, but I am my own boss. I'm loving it!

I'm doing my best to stay attuned with my inner direction, going step by step, and starting to enjoy my process and reap the rewards! This is truly success by loving myself from the inside out. It's a gentle and gradual progression with rich rewards all along the way!

Joy and Peace to you,
Dr. Ilenya

Success from the Inside Out

Loving My Learning Process for Success

2006-04-07T17:10:00.000-04:00

Ah, it's been a busy couple of weeks -- so much so that I forgot to come here and post to my blog! And believe me, I've had many opportunities to practice my techniques for maintaining my personal peace!

The teleseminars went quite well for a first venture. I had a good time, gave excellent information, and learned more than I ever expected! I made a few mistakes, but those were the areas of greatest educational value.

Starting a new business, learning internet marketing, learning many new technical skills, maintaining my creative flow, doing some volunteer work and running a home is quite a package. Yes, I've felt some pretty intense stress in the last two weeks, especially getting everything prepared for my teleseminars and launching that process, then analyzing and learning so I can do it better next time!

A key through all of this was to remind myself that I'm learning mountains of new information, that it's ok to make mistakes and learn from those too, and that I can't increase my success without taking some risks!

Focusing on the learning process is a way of loving myself as I keep tackling one challenge after another. Then, in the midst of frustrations and tension, I can take a deep breath and remind myself to relax, put one hand on my stomach and one on my heart and say, "I love you, Ilenya," and regroup!

In other words, as long as I remember, "I'm learning," it's easier to remember "I don't have to do it perfectly, I just have to do it so I can learn from it."

More soon, and as always,
Joy and Peace to you,
Dr. Ilenya

Stress Relief Seminars and Success

2006-03-26T20:06:00.000-05:00

This past week I've been focused on preparing for my first teleseminars, set for March 29th and 30th. I'm pretty excited! And there are endless details to be arranged, not to mention that non-techie me is learning basics of web design in the midst of all this!

I'm excited about my teleseminar topic -- "7 Whopper Stress Culprits and How to Avoid Them." I have some simple strategies to share that will help people see stressors in new ways and get unstuck from old patterns. Listeners will recognize how they can take control of their inner responses to cut way down on stress.

To find out more about my teleseminars, go to my website http://powerofpersonalpeace.com and sign up for my fre.e newsletter, 17 Simple Stress Solutions. Then you'll get notification of my upcoming events.

How does this relate to Loving Your Success?

My core of excellence is helping you love yourself into success, however you spell success. This could relate to relationships, career, health, creativity, personal peace or a number of other areas where you have dreams waiting to be fulfilled.

I'm a living example! Last August, I knew zip about internet marketing. I barely knew such a thing existed. I'd been working diligently for over a year to write a simple little book called A Way of Loving Intention.

Then I learned about Ellen Violette, The Ebook Coach, and took her 3-Day Quick Start Ebook Authoring class. Yes, in three days I wrote The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out. The material just came pouring out of me! Since then, I've built the foundation for a wonderful business. You can find out more about her work by clicking here http://www.marketerschoice.com/app/aftrack.asp?afid=295952. (I haven't yet learned for sure how to insert a hyperlink, so you may need to paste this into your browser to get there.)

Of course I get nervous at times, (preparation energy!!) and there have been many frustrations to overcome with so very much to learn. But overall, I've been happier than ever. This work allows me to combine several marvelous talents and express then in a terrific combination. I can share my hard-won expertise and wisdom, help people, be creative, and make good money! I'm jazzed! And I can use the whole package as a platform for my own continuing journey of self-discovery and learning.

What could be any better?

Major keys for my success have been to:
Stay in my personal peace as best I can. (Not always, by any means!)
Hold a loving focus for myself in all that I do and when I forget, come back to it asap!
Develop a clear vision of what I want. (This will be the subject of another post!)
Keep taking small steps day after day. (A really HUGE key for success!)
Acknowledge my small successes each day.
When I mess up or get discouraged, pick myself up and get going again.
Ask for help when I need it.
Express my gratitude to myself and the Divine for my opportunities, my growth and my success.

See what you can use from these ideas to start taking small steps to fulfilling your dreams.

Peace, Loving and Success,
Dr. Ilenya

Ilenya Marrin, DSS
Author of ebooks The Power of Personal Peace:
Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out
And
A Way of Loving Intention
ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
802-658-2921

Stress Relief Seminars and Success

Inner Watchfulness for Success with Loving Integrity

2006-03-22T21:44:00.000-05:00

Loving yourself into success requires a high level of self awareness and a willingness to watch and pay attention to your inner signals.

We know, we truly know in some deep place of beingness, what is best for us. Too often, we just don't listen. Yesterday, I moved into action on a little project because it seemed like a good idea. "In my head" it was a great idea. I did have a subtle gnawing of doubt. But I went ahead and executed my little plan. I "over-rode" that tiny feeling of something being off.

Periodically today, a thought of something being off would brush me like a feather. I didn't want to pay attention. This evening, my awareness of this "off" sensation became quite strong, until I turned within to reflect from a deep place in my heart. I had to acknowledge that I made an error in not listening to my inner feedback yesterday that said something is off.

It does get very subtle.

Now, I'm working with myself inwardly to acknowledge that I wish I'd handled things differently. And I am forgiving myself for my mistake -- and looking carefully to see how I can be more watchful in the future. How can I pay better attention and honor the feedback from my emotions, without being run by my emotions?

Overall, my goal is to lovingly correct this error, lovingly forgive myself, and lovingly do better next time.

The funny thing is, the more I think I know what I'm doing, the more I get challenged with situations that show me my next steps in what I still need to learn! For me, the outer success needs to be balanced with my inner success -- loving, integrity, peace, joy and all the other qualities of goodness that I strive for. And the process of holding even my poor choices and flub-ups in loving takes all a lot of commitment!

Loving, forgiveness and upliftment to you,
Dr. Ilenya

Loving Your Success Tool: Setting Boundaries

2006-03-21T21:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when we are caring for others, we simply forget to take care of ourselves. Loving yourself into success includes a heaping portion of taking care of yourself!

Earlier today I was emailing with a friend who is a beautiful and loving minister. She recently spent a whole day ministering to a dear friend of hers, physically assisting that person in many loving ways. And she commented that the next day she was so worn out she needed to rest and sleep much of the day. Her usual plans went by the board.

I emailed to her, "What did you learn after spending all day ministering to your friend and being totally wiped out the next day? I think maybe now it will be easier to set some limits/boundaries and take care of yourself."

And I threw in some suggestions for things she could say next time someone makes a request for her valuable time.

Like, "I'd love to come and assist and I can be there for about two hours, from this time to this time. Would that work for you?"

What if someone says, "Can't you stay all day like you did before?"

Have a list of three or four responses all planned to choose from -- to say "No," with loving and compassion for yourself as well as them.

For instance, "I'd love to but I find I'm needing to take better care of myself these days. I need to monitor my energy and be sure I'm only giving from my overflow."

Or "I've been getting loud and clear inner messages to take better care of myself and I need to watch carefully not to overtax my system, so unfortunately, I need to stick to shorter times of service these days."

Or "I'd love to but I have an important project to finish," etc.

My friend, the giving minister, wrote back saying my sample responses really helped. (I think she just needed a reminder that it's okay to take care of herself!) She said she'd been starting to "put up walls" as a defense, because she felt she had no boundaries, and she was needing to protect herself from giving too much for her own well-being.

About my sample responses, she said, "That frees it up inside to say, I can still do it, but with boundaries on it so I can take better care of myself."

I thought you might be inspired by this authentic moment from my day today, and you can easily apply similar responses in the places in your life where you've been depleting yourself. When you set some boundaries, you can truly take care of yourself and give from your overflow of energy and well-being.

Loving, peace and lots of success to you,
Dr. Ilenya

New Habits for Success

2006-03-18T14:55:00.000-05:00

Hello!
Traveling is fun and it sure punched a hole in my blogging routine.

So this is time for me to comment on the process of creating new habits. My philosophy is to take small steps consistently. When you "fall out of stepping," you can simply start over, wherever you find yourself. So I'm starting over with blogging despite the almost three week gap.

If you want to create a new habit here are some simple steps to take:

1. Identify what you want to change.

2. Get an idea of what the new behavior would look like and feel like for you. What would you be telling yourself about your new behavior? What would others be saying or doing in response to your new approach?

3. Reflect on why you want this change. If you are not clear, you may not get very far. If you are trying to change because someone else is pressuring you, you may not get very far. So really consider if this is something you want for yourself.

4. If this change is not what you want for yourself, consider whether there is something else you want to work on that is truly your own heartfelt desire. Let the rest of these instructions apply to your deeper desire.

5. Look carefully at the behavior pattern you're trying to change. What triggers the old behavior? What are the clues that you are about to slide into the old behavior? Maybe it is being with a certain person or group of people. Maybe it is a certain interaction situation that leads to your feeling a certain way (stressed, bored, angry, frustrated, sad and hopeless, etc.). Maybe it is a specific sight, sound or smell (a tempting food smell, for instance.)

6. What could you do differently to interrupt the old automatic, undesirable habit pattern? If you want to eliminate debt and cut out frivolous credit card spending, can you freeze your card to make it hard to get? If you're working to lose weight, how can you make it difficult to get the tempting goodies that have been your downfall in the past?

If you lose your temper in certain situations, what can you do differently? Can you avoid the person or situation? Can you excuse yourself and walk away the minute you feel the anger beginning? Can you do some journal writing to delve into the reasons you feel such quick anger, and with the new awareness, have more choices and options for your behavior?

Now, you've identified what you want to change and some possible ways to stop engaging in the old undesirable behavior, you're ready to focus on your new habit pattern.

7. I recommend approaching your process with a lot of loving and kindness for yourself. Talk caringly and compassionately to yourself, as you might to a cherished small child. See yourself through eyes of loving. Changing a habit doesn't come easily for most of us. Will power has often fallen short of helping you obtain your goal. So try love power, compassion power to create your success this time.

8. Aim for small steps and congratulate yourself each time you are close to the mark as well as positive scores! In other words, let's say your you want to create a habit of going to the gym three times a week. If you put on your gym shoes and get out the door, but realize you have a conflict today, you still get some credit for starting out in your desired direction! That counts as a success when you are taking tiny steps. Then lovingly talk to yourself to clear the calendar at gym time and see if you can all the way there the next day!

9. Use your avoidance strategy to stay out of the old behavior. Keep your eyes on your goal with the new behavior. Put up reminders, such as a note by your bed, or on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror, or on the steering wheel.

10. Give yourself small rewards for small successes. I like tiny stickers on my calendar, or checking off items on a tracking list. You might like to put a dollar in a jar each time you do your new habit, and let it build up for a special treat in a few weeks.

11. Aim for at least 33 days of consistent application with your new habit. Different groups suggest different time frames, but I've found that doing a new habit for 33 days is about the right length of time to get it ingrained in you consciousness. If you fall of track for a few days, just start your count over again when you get back on track. But do get back on track, as lovingly as you can.

12. If you repeatedly fall off track, look for subconscious or unconscious patterns that push you into the undesired behavior. You might want to get short term help from a professional coach or counselor to help you hold yourself accountable and to deal with hidden button pushers.

Happy transformations,
Dr. Ilenya

Dr. Ilenya Marrin, DSS, MS, NCC
The Personal Peace Coach
Author of ebooks The Power of Personal Peace:
Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out
and A Way of Loving Intention
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com/info.html
802-658-2921

Loving Yourself Beyond Security and Control

2006-03-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

Some days, it is very challenging to move forward
into your desired success! Today was one of those for me.
I am waiting on responses from a new business partner
and while I could do some things related to this project on
my own, I'm using the delay as an excuse to drag my heels.

I am not comfortable moving ahead until I get these answers.
I want security, please! Iwant each little item ticked off the
check list. I want to feel I am in control. And with this I have
to laugh.

I am surely not in control of much of anything except my
inner responses to the situations I encounter in life!
When I can remember this and just cooperate with what is
present, I feel so much lighter, so much more free inwardly.

Acknowledging these truths brought a shift in my awareness
just now. A knot of tension in my tummy dissolved. I'm not
in control! There is great freedom in this statement, especially
as I let it in as an awareness in my body consciousness.
Acknowledging this truth is a great step in loving myself.

I had no idea what to write about tonight in my blog. I just
showed up, feeling a bit frustrated and "low" about not getting
done some items I consider important. Yet when I take a look,
when I step back and view my situation as a neutral loving
observer, then I have to laugh. I only like to think I'm in control.
When I let go of that notion, it all gets really easy again. Just show up
and be present with what is. I actually got a lot of other tasks
done today, by being present with those action items.

So, I'm declaring this has been awonderful day after all. I'm
choosing to see it that way. I hope you find here some
bits ofwisdom and apply them with loving to your own life.

Blessings,
Dr. Ilenya

Loving Past the Roadblocks

2006-03-01T21:57:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that when you set out in a new direction
in life, with a challenging and exciting goal, you often run into
roadblocks right away?

I'm finding this to be the case with my internet marketing.
First, I have never thought of myself as very"techie."
Second, everything I do seems to require more steps
and more techie know-how than I anticipated. Third, the techie
stuff takes away from the creative time and the people connections
that I enjoy the most. It's become quite a juggling act!

So, my challenge is to utilize the tools I share with you -- to keep
loving myself into my success. It is tempting to give up, or to say
"I can't do this. It's too hard, it costs too much, etc." But that is
not the truth of who I am. I need to remember I can solve each
problem as it arises, and I can keep going in my chosen direction.

As I write these words, I do feel uplifted. The dynamic of loving
comes into play as we have compassion for our own process.
I need to be patient and kind with myself, even as I look for the way
over, under, around or through the next obstacle! I also need to
remember to laugh! Just thinking of laughing brings a smile to
my face and I feel brighter, more cheerful, more ready to tackle
whatever is next.

OK, I just cheered myself up. I encourage you to use
a similar approach in your life. Please take a moment to refocus and
reframe whatever is bugging you today. Give yourself the loving
and successful outlook that will help you to take your next steps
with more confidence and joy.

With Love and Light,
Dr. Ilenya

You Teach What You Most Need to Learn

2006-02-24T17:02:00.000-05:00

Hello!

Is it true that you teach what you most need to learn? If so, I'm sure I need to learn more about personal peace and stress reduction! Everything about starting a new business is calculated to increase stress. In my case, it is a steady stream of technological challenges, an incredible flow of creativity (positive stress!) and wishing there were three of me to execute all my ideas right now. The latter highlights my impatience, and my husband frequently reminds me of this failing.

On the bright side, I'm getting first hand reminders of the stress that most of you go through every day. What I'm finding is that the more I am gentle and loving with myself, the faster I get through the stressed out, frustrating and upsetting moments. The other night, my husband and I narrowly avoided a major argument. What turned it around for me was when I declared, "I reserve the right to get upset!" Somehow, that shifted my perspective to one of a little humor and the weight lifted.

Whether you use humor or the process of being the neutral loving observer of yourself, if you can get a little distance (and preferably a little altitude, a higher outlook) from the stressful problem, you are in a better position to resolve it. As I discuss in my ebook, The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out, taking an objective but compassionate look at yourself and your situation goes a long way toward reducing stress and increasing success. From the vantage of the neutral loving observer, you can choose your responses more easily. You can even choose to reserve the right to be upset!

Have a loving, peaceful and successful weekend!
Dr. Ilenya

Simplify Life for Stress Reduction

2006-02-22T13:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I ventured into the world of recording an audio product for sale on my website. It's an hour long interview of me, sharing powerful tips on Simplifying Life for Stress Reduction! I had a great time because my funny friend and fellow coach Nelda Choate conducted the interview.

I talked most about the need to prioritize your life according to your values. One of the main reasons people are stressing out is that they are trying to "do it all." I've learned the hard way that we really can't "do it all" or "have it all." We can have a great deal and do a great deal, with excellence and loving, if we will line up our most cherished ideals and goals and take small steps consistently toward them.

What you need to do is get clear on what those priorities are for you. Write them down. Give yourself some time to reflect and be sure you're not aiming for a goal your dead parents chose for you. Be sure your top priorities are things you want for yourself 100%. These are your heartfelt desires to which you can fully commit!

If you will start paying consistent attention to these areas, you will find you reach your goals, and along the way, it will also be easier to say no to things that don't really fit with your purpose and direction. As a result, your stress level will go down! You will have the peace of mind of knowing that you are not scattering your precious time, energy and money. You are choosing with loving and taking the action steps to support your dreams. A balanced and fulfilling life is the natural side effect.

Email me at info@powerofpersonalpeace.com to request a first release of the audio (MP3)interview at a pre-publication price for only $4.95. Or got to my website at http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com and sign up for my Seventeen Simple Stress Solutions. Then you'll be on my mailing list and I'll send you a notice as soon as the interview is ready to order. I am not too techie yet, so I can't guarantee the timing at this point, but this should be within two weeks.

Now go make a cup of tea, turn on some soothing music, and spend an hour or so reflecting on your life, where you want to go, what are your most important values, and how you can begin to take small steps consistently to support yourself in attaining and living those values. Watch yourself feel more relaxed yet dynamic as you move forward with purpose and self-loving.

All the best to you with Light and Loving,
Ilenya

New books on the way!

2006-02-19T22:06:00.000-05:00

I have just spent a weekend authoring another ebook! I am tired but jazzed about my progress. This new one has the subtitle of 16 Secrets for Health, Wealth, Happiness and Love.
I'm still working on the title. But watch for it soon. Get on my list to receive notices of new books and events by going to http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com. Sign up there for my Seventeen Simple Stress Solutions and you'll be on my newsletter list.

This is part of building my success. If any of you are interested in becoming an ebook author, I highly recommend my teacher, Ellen Violette, and you can reach her at the following link: http://www.marketerschoice.com/app/aftrack.asp?afid=295952. Just get on her mailing list and you'll find out about her home study courses and when she is doing more classes.

All for now! I have to get up early for a dental appointment tomorrow!

Joy, peace and success to you,
Dr. Ilenya

Joy Transforms Stress and Tension

2006-01-30T16:21:00.000-05:00

After years of helping people with colossal personal and family problems, being an expert in several areas of personal development, and excelling in helping people to resolve their issues and move forward into success, I am a total newbie! I'm struggling with learning this THING called Internet Marketing. I'm here to assist people with fabulous, practical strategies for loving yourself forward into success and inner peace, but I can't do it unless I let you know I'm here.

As my daddy used to say, "Man, oh Man." What a ride this is!

I'm striving to be very patient with my process to keep my own stress levels down, and it is a challenge. One of my recent keys is this: When I find myself moving into stress, frustration and anxiety, I remind myself to focus on joy. Just now I'm doing that, and I sort of open up again, and relax. I seem to have more clarity and ease with what I'm doing, which is writing to you.

So there are different types of stress. One is good -- it helps us to have the motivation and enthusiasm to move on in getting what we want. The other is not great (except for learning what we don't want!) as is pushes us into overwhelm, stuckness, avoidance, denial and procrastination.

So my advice to me and you today is simple. When the pressure is on, when the tension and stress are building, you can reclaim your center. Keep moving into success by switching your mind to the joy track. Just remember or imagine a joyful time, or repeat the word "joy" several times, and watch how your tension level starts to back off. Repeat dosage as needed and have a great day!

Joy

2006-01-01T22:21:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

As I complete this first day of 2006, I am laughing inwardly.
I've spent most of the day struggling with setting up a new
computer, wondering which items from my long lists I most
need to be doing next, and running into one obstacle after
another. To top it all off, last night in the wee hours, I sat up
in the dark (so as not to disturb my husband) and scribbled
a brilliant article in my notebook. I planned to type it ready
for publication tonight. But just now, I discovered that I
turned my notebook upside down and wrote over previous
entries for many, many pages! It will take some major
deciphering to recover my sterling ideas!

At the same time, I feel a sense of joy inside that won't be
repressed. These are after all just the stumbling blocks that
go with learning and doing new things. The adventure
continues! At least I figured out how to get back to my blog
and create a new posting!

I'm deciding to count today as a success! I managed to keep
a loving attitude towardmyself despite saying "aaaaarrrrrgh"
in frustration a few times. (I think that's from the no-longer-
published Calvin and Hobbs cartoons.) And I am remembering
that success in accomplishing anything comes from taking
many small steps consistently. I did take lots of small steps
today, and quite a few of them were in the right direction! I
forgive myself for any that were in a different direction and
let that go. You can do the same, any time you choose.

Here's hoping that you are creating a happy, healthy and
prosperous New Year and every day, a New You, through
loving yourself and developing your innate potential in the
most positive ways you can imagine!

Blessings of Light and Love to you,
Ilenya

Welcome To Loving Your Success

2005-12-27T21:28:00.000-05:00

12/27/05

Hello!

This is the launch of a fun and uplifting blog based on the idea
that lov-ing (that's love in it's dynamic, active form!) is an
ultimate tool for getting you where you want to go.

You might want to reduce stress, get out of debt, build health,
wealth and happiness. You might want to overcome the emotional
devastation of a divorce or death in the family. You might be a
caregiver who needs to care for yourself. You might be a spiritual
seeker. You might be looking for a more fulfilling career
path. My specialty is helping people apply loving to their own
lives as a powerful tool for healing, for resolving issues. You
will be amazed at how well it works!

My first ebook is The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress
by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out. There's another one in
the wings, due out soon, called A Way of Loving Intention, with
all the details on how to use loving intention as a gentle yet
incredibly powerful propelling force in your life.

I'll be posting to this site about twice a week for starters, and I
welcome your comments and questions. As long as my time
permits, I'll answer appropriate personal questions
in the blog format. I blend proven principles of psychology
and practical spirituality to live my life and I'll be sharing
tips and strategies to help you live yours with more loving
into success as you define it! Watch for articles that relate to this
theme of loving yourself into greater fulfillment, wholeness and
success. Loving is your key to success. You'll be loving your success.

And you might find a bit of silliness on these postings. An archaic
meaning of "Silly" is "happy, prosperous and blessed." So I like to
sneak it in whenever my straight arrow personality isn't looking!

Check out my website, http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
and watch for more exciting developments soon. Have a great day,
and remember to love yourself a lot -- you're the only one you are!
Ilenya Marrin