How Can I Love and Trust Again? To Thine Own Self Be True
Overcoming Betrayal to Love and Trust Again
Recently, a young man asked one of his biggest life questions: "Will I find someone who I can share my life with and fully trust?"
He described a year long relationship with a special girl, but said she cheated with his best friend and he ended up losing both girlfriend and best friend. He wants to be able to trust again despite this betrayal by two people quite close to him. He wants to trust his other friends, and he wants to be able to love deeply and trust again. He does sound hopeful, saying, "I'll keep believing that I'll soon find the right girl to spend my life with."
My Thoughts on the Matter:
Experience brings discernment. Discernment is part of wisdom.
Discernment means being able to sort out and recognize the truth, to discriminate and be keenly aware of distinguishing differences -- in the people and situations you encounter. Painful though it was, you now have experience that will help you be more discerning in the future, especially about the qualities of a person with whom you get romantically involved.
Check It Out
Once you find your new special someone, I suggest that you really take your time getting well acquainted before plunging into marriage. Take at least two years to date, to get engaged, to spend a lot of time together going through the ups and downs of life as loving partners. You might decide that part of your engagement means living together for several months or a year before going ahead with the marriage.
The point of a long courtship is to give yourselves time to experience how each of you respond to the many challenges of life. It's one thing to be head over heels in love for a year and another to start behaving maturely to make decisions and plans about a whole life together. How well do you support each other in times of crisis? Do you stand by each other in a demonstration of faith and loyalty? Don't make assumptions. As my friend John-Roger has often said, "Check it out."
In other words, you will build up a bank of experience with your beloved. You won't have to wonder and worry about trust. You will know by her behavior whether she is trustworthy, as she will know by your behavior. You'll discern where there might be any other sticky spots in your relationship (disagreements about spending, planning a family, recreation or where to live) and you can work on those together -- gently if possible. You'll discover whether you truly share the same values, whether you only talk the talk, or whether the two of you can walk the walk together. A lifetime is a long and wondrous journey. Give yourselves time to lovingly discern how you can walk it together.
Watch and Learn
As for trusting your other friends, trust them to be exactly who they are and do exactly what they do. Don't worry, don't assume. Watch and learn. As I tell my psychology students, be the neutral compassionate observer. Your friends' behavior, day in and day out, will tell you whether you can rely on them. If you see signs of unreliability in areas that would hurt you, you might choose to find new friends instead.
To Thine Own Self Be True
One key that I've used myself and encouraged in clients is learning to trust yourself. If worries about trust remain an issue, it may be that you don't trust your own ability to be discerning. Or, maybe you are not always trustworthy with yourself. Sometimes the experiences we have with other people are like mirrors inviting us to look at our own thoughts and behaviors.
If you continue to fear another betrayal, check to see if there are any ways you've been betraying yourself, or not being true to your own deepest self. You can start by changing anything in you that needs changing, to create greater alignment with your true self and your outer expression -- your personality and activities, etc. Once you truly line up within yourself, you will usually find that your world reflects that same level of authenticity and integrity back to you.
Hope this is nourishing food for thought and that you are having a great time with your life right now. That's what will help you connect with that special someone at the perfect moment.
All the best to you,
Dr. Marrin
Recently, a young man asked one of his biggest life questions: "Will I find someone who I can share my life with and fully trust?"
He described a year long relationship with a special girl, but said she cheated with his best friend and he ended up losing both girlfriend and best friend. He wants to be able to trust again despite this betrayal by two people quite close to him. He wants to trust his other friends, and he wants to be able to love deeply and trust again. He does sound hopeful, saying, "I'll keep believing that I'll soon find the right girl to spend my life with."
My Thoughts on the Matter:
Experience brings discernment. Discernment is part of wisdom.
Discernment means being able to sort out and recognize the truth, to discriminate and be keenly aware of distinguishing differences -- in the people and situations you encounter. Painful though it was, you now have experience that will help you be more discerning in the future, especially about the qualities of a person with whom you get romantically involved.
Check It Out
Once you find your new special someone, I suggest that you really take your time getting well acquainted before plunging into marriage. Take at least two years to date, to get engaged, to spend a lot of time together going through the ups and downs of life as loving partners. You might decide that part of your engagement means living together for several months or a year before going ahead with the marriage.
The point of a long courtship is to give yourselves time to experience how each of you respond to the many challenges of life. It's one thing to be head over heels in love for a year and another to start behaving maturely to make decisions and plans about a whole life together. How well do you support each other in times of crisis? Do you stand by each other in a demonstration of faith and loyalty? Don't make assumptions. As my friend John-Roger has often said, "Check it out."
In other words, you will build up a bank of experience with your beloved. You won't have to wonder and worry about trust. You will know by her behavior whether she is trustworthy, as she will know by your behavior. You'll discern where there might be any other sticky spots in your relationship (disagreements about spending, planning a family, recreation or where to live) and you can work on those together -- gently if possible. You'll discover whether you truly share the same values, whether you only talk the talk, or whether the two of you can walk the walk together. A lifetime is a long and wondrous journey. Give yourselves time to lovingly discern how you can walk it together.
Watch and Learn
As for trusting your other friends, trust them to be exactly who they are and do exactly what they do. Don't worry, don't assume. Watch and learn. As I tell my psychology students, be the neutral compassionate observer. Your friends' behavior, day in and day out, will tell you whether you can rely on them. If you see signs of unreliability in areas that would hurt you, you might choose to find new friends instead.
To Thine Own Self Be True
One key that I've used myself and encouraged in clients is learning to trust yourself. If worries about trust remain an issue, it may be that you don't trust your own ability to be discerning. Or, maybe you are not always trustworthy with yourself. Sometimes the experiences we have with other people are like mirrors inviting us to look at our own thoughts and behaviors.
If you continue to fear another betrayal, check to see if there are any ways you've been betraying yourself, or not being true to your own deepest self. You can start by changing anything in you that needs changing, to create greater alignment with your true self and your outer expression -- your personality and activities, etc. Once you truly line up within yourself, you will usually find that your world reflects that same level of authenticity and integrity back to you.
Hope this is nourishing food for thought and that you are having a great time with your life right now. That's what will help you connect with that special someone at the perfect moment.
All the best to you,
Dr. Marrin
Labels: be true to yourself, betrayal, cheating, check it out, discernment, fear, Love, marriage, neutral loving observer, overcoming, trust, trust yourself, wisdom
posted by Ilenya Marrin, DSS @ 10:52 PM
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