Seven Tips for Releasing Toxic Relationships

Recently, I had conversations with a few people who all wanted to learn how to let go of a toxic relationship.

Here are some clues, some tips, some food for thought, and an invitation to do whatever releasing you do with utmost compassion for yourself! These are strategies I've learned, mostly from personal experience. I've als0 used them with counseling clients quite a few times. These are not easy, but they are effective.

For my readers, here is the lasered version. The key is, these tips work if you work them. They are not overnight cure-alls. Not every tip will work for every person. But if you choose a process that sounds like it fits for you and stick with it for about a month, you are likely to realize good results.

Here is what doesn't work: choose a strategy, do it today and decide it didn't provide a major change so it is worthless. Pick another for the next day and chuck it for the same reasons. Decide I don't know what I'm talking about and continue doing what you've been doing that brings you misery. Depending on whether you are accustomed to inner work with yourself, these may take some practice. If you are dealing with your own mental health issues or have gone through a dramatic or violent relationship, you should consider professional counseling/psychotherapy help.

Note: I highly recommend that you use a short prayer any time you begin a process, asking that it be for the highest good of yourself and all concerned. Personally, I tend to ask for "Light for the highest good with harm to no one." Some people ask for Light for "this or something better" for the highest good. To me, Light means the Light of God, the highest Light you can possibly imagine.

Tips for Releasing a Toxic Relationship
1. Focus on something other than the person you have broken up with or want to break up with, or who broke up with you. Stay busy with positive, productive activities -- exercise, volunteering, studies, chores, work.

2. Give yourself 10 minutes to worry or grieve about this toxic person. Set a timer. Really get into it if you need to. Then stop! Get busy with your life. Your life is for you. Live it!

3. Love yourself. This is an incredibly powerful strategy if you will do it consistently. A wonderful beginning for transforming your relationship with yourself is to do this simple practice daily for five or six weeks. Keep track on a calendar. If you miss a day, start over!

Look in a mirror, into your own eyes, and tell yourself (Your Name), "I love you."

It may not be easy at first. When I first did this, day one and two were ho-hum. Nothing of note happened. But for at least the next week, every unlovable thought about myself popped to the surface and made it hard to say and to believe in that "I love you." After that phase, it got easier and downright delightful.

The reason it is important to stick with this process for several weeks is that you are training your conscious and unconscious mind in a new habit, a new way of thinking about yourself. The unconscious especially likes repetition and routine, and will cooperate more fully when you are really consistent with your new "instructions" to yourself.

4. Do journal writing about what you are learning about yourself and your life from this painful or toxic experience. What do you want or need to do differently? What are the causes or triggers of your involvement in this relationship? How did you get into it? You can trace your way back out the same way you went in.

5. Be a neutral loving observer of your own process. Research at the University of Texas and several other universities is showing that self-compassion is a huge key for resilience and recovery in challenging situations such as ending a relationship. Watch and learn and grow from what it happening. And be very gentle and kind with yourself.

6. Forgive yourself for any self-judgments about your participation in this relationship. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as needing this painful experience in some way. Forgive yourself for judging your "poor" choices and any other self-judgments that spring to mind. This is another extremely powerful tool when you do it. Five minutes before bedtime on a consistent basis could be very helpful. Say your statements of self-forgiveness silently, inwardly, or out loud, or write them in your journal. Watch for the shift in your energy that lets you know you've moved from doing these statements mechanically to really letting the forgiveness in. You start to feel lighter, more clear inside.

7. Learn about co-dependent relationships. If you feel you need to apologize for your own anger toward this person, stop! Look at the pattern or dynamic between you. Do you feel victimized and hurt, then get angry and lash out at the other person? Then you feel a need to rescue him or her and make it all okay again because you are rather desperate for love and approval? Get hold of any of the good books about co-dependent relationships and read. Or try Co-dependents Anonymous to learn to release the mental and emotional habits that keep you trapped in unhealthy relationships.

Bonus Tip:
8. Cut the energy between you. More and more research is showing the power of the mind over the emotions and even over physical healing of the body. Beliefs are amazingly powerful. Here is a simple process using your creative imagination, based on ancient Hawaiian beliefs about the aka cords or energetic connections between people.

Do this one when you are emotionally ready to release the other person. Do it as many times as necessary if the attachment seems to reoccur.

Ask for Light for the highest good for this process, with harm to no one. Vividly imagine (see, feel, or talk to yourself about) a golden cord between you and the person you want to release, usually from the area of your stomach to the area of their stomach. Now imagine a large pair of golden shears in your hand, and cut the cord between you, near your stomach. Take the end still attached to the other person and send it back to them. Now imagine that you are being filled with a beautiful clear Light from the highest heavens, healing and restoring you. Now get up and do something useful in your life!

I hope some of these tips are useful. Feel free to post a comment about how they work for you, or with questions.

All the best to you!