Seven Tips for Releasing Toxic Relationships

Recently, I had conversations with a few people who all wanted to learn how to let go of a toxic relationship.

Here are some clues, some tips, some food for thought, and an invitation to do whatever releasing you do with utmost compassion for yourself! These are strategies I've learned, mostly from personal experience. I've als0 used them with counseling clients quite a few times. These are not easy, but they are effective.

For my readers, here is the lasered version. The key is, these tips work if you work them. They are not overnight cure-alls. Not every tip will work for every person. But if you choose a process that sounds like it fits for you and stick with it for about a month, you are likely to realize good results.

Here is what doesn't work: choose a strategy, do it today and decide it didn't provide a major change so it is worthless. Pick another for the next day and chuck it for the same reasons. Decide I don't know what I'm talking about and continue doing what you've been doing that brings you misery. Depending on whether you are accustomed to inner work with yourself, these may take some practice. If you are dealing with your own mental health issues or have gone through a dramatic or violent relationship, you should consider professional counseling/psychotherapy help.

Note: I highly recommend that you use a short prayer any time you begin a process, asking that it be for the highest good of yourself and all concerned. Personally, I tend to ask for "Light for the highest good with harm to no one." Some people ask for Light for "this or something better" for the highest good. To me, Light means the Light of God, the highest Light you can possibly imagine.

Tips for Releasing a Toxic Relationship
1. Focus on something other than the person you have broken up with or want to break up with, or who broke up with you. Stay busy with positive, productive activities -- exercise, volunteering, studies, chores, work.

2. Give yourself 10 minutes to worry or grieve about this toxic person. Set a timer. Really get into it if you need to. Then stop! Get busy with your life. Your life is for you. Live it!

3. Love yourself. This is an incredibly powerful strategy if you will do it consistently. A wonderful beginning for transforming your relationship with yourself is to do this simple practice daily for five or six weeks. Keep track on a calendar. If you miss a day, start over!

Look in a mirror, into your own eyes, and tell yourself (Your Name), "I love you."

It may not be easy at first. When I first did this, day one and two were ho-hum. Nothing of note happened. But for at least the next week, every unlovable thought about myself popped to the surface and made it hard to say and to believe in that "I love you." After that phase, it got easier and downright delightful.

The reason it is important to stick with this process for several weeks is that you are training your conscious and unconscious mind in a new habit, a new way of thinking about yourself. The unconscious especially likes repetition and routine, and will cooperate more fully when you are really consistent with your new "instructions" to yourself.

4. Do journal writing about what you are learning about yourself and your life from this painful or toxic experience. What do you want or need to do differently? What are the causes or triggers of your involvement in this relationship? How did you get into it? You can trace your way back out the same way you went in.

5. Be a neutral loving observer of your own process. Research at the University of Texas and several other universities is showing that self-compassion is a huge key for resilience and recovery in challenging situations such as ending a relationship. Watch and learn and grow from what it happening. And be very gentle and kind with yourself.

6. Forgive yourself for any self-judgments about your participation in this relationship. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as needing this painful experience in some way. Forgive yourself for judging your "poor" choices and any other self-judgments that spring to mind. This is another extremely powerful tool when you do it. Five minutes before bedtime on a consistent basis could be very helpful. Say your statements of self-forgiveness silently, inwardly, or out loud, or write them in your journal. Watch for the shift in your energy that lets you know you've moved from doing these statements mechanically to really letting the forgiveness in. You start to feel lighter, more clear inside.

7. Learn about co-dependent relationships. If you feel you need to apologize for your own anger toward this person, stop! Look at the pattern or dynamic between you. Do you feel victimized and hurt, then get angry and lash out at the other person? Then you feel a need to rescue him or her and make it all okay again because you are rather desperate for love and approval? Get hold of any of the good books about co-dependent relationships and read. Or try Co-dependents Anonymous to learn to release the mental and emotional habits that keep you trapped in unhealthy relationships.

Bonus Tip:
8. Cut the energy between you. More and more research is showing the power of the mind over the emotions and even over physical healing of the body. Beliefs are amazingly powerful. Here is a simple process using your creative imagination, based on ancient Hawaiian beliefs about the aka cords or energetic connections between people.

Do this one when you are emotionally ready to release the other person. Do it as many times as necessary if the attachment seems to reoccur.

Ask for Light for the highest good for this process, with harm to no one. Vividly imagine (see, feel, or talk to yourself about) a golden cord between you and the person you want to release, usually from the area of your stomach to the area of their stomach. Now imagine a large pair of golden shears in your hand, and cut the cord between you, near your stomach. Take the end still attached to the other person and send it back to them. Now imagine that you are being filled with a beautiful clear Light from the highest heavens, healing and restoring you. Now get up and do something useful in your life!

I hope some of these tips are useful. Feel free to post a comment about how they work for you, or with questions.

All the best to you!

Keeping Your Cash -- Savvy Savings for Students

Several of my current students are doing experiments on money management -- always a hot button for students! I thought I'd share some of my favorite frugal tips because I've learned over many years that paying attention to the littlest savings can add up big over time! Let these tips inspire you to find small savings in your life, and let those little savings add up to big bonuses over time.

Shampoo Savings: Cut your shampoo with water. Save your next empty bottle and use it to mix about 1 part shampoo to six parts water. You'll still get good suds but your shampoo will last about six to eight months instead of six weeks or less. Savings: about $36 per year.

The Razor's Edge: Let your razor blade dry thoroughly between uses. Shake the water off and put it in a dry spot. A cheap disposable razor will last up to two or three months. Savings: $25 or more per year.

Moisturizer: Ladies, spritz your face with water before applying moisturizer. A little dab will go a lot further and the moisture will be held in and hydrate your skin. My moisturizer lasts four times as long this way.

Frugal Fruit Juice: Do your children love fruit juice? Pour a couple of ounces of their favorite in a glass and fill up with plain selzer water for a delicious fizzy drink. Much cheaper, plus much less sugar and less hype! That carton or bottle of juice will last about four times longer.

Stock up on Specials: Read the grocery flyers from your favorite market and plan your shopping around the "loss leader specials" -- the great prices on meats and seasonal veggies that are designed to get shoppers into the store. (Just buy the specials and those things on your list. See below!) I've heard students say that it's cheaper to buy fast food and frozen dinners, but that is not true. It is much cheaper (and healthier) to buy what is on special and cook up a big batch to use and freeze for several meals. It might be more expensive the first month as you are switching your buying habits, but after that, you will have a stockpile of wonderful homemade food and you won't have to dash out for frozen meals. Believe me, all the preparation and packaging of those high fat, high salt, chemically loaded dishes make them MUCH more expensive per pound and per calorie than your fresh, healthy, home made delectables. Even without a large freezer, cooking for yourself will save money and with a bit of planning, you can save time as well.

DIY for Tender Savings: Do you like chicken tenders and nuggets? Learn to cut up a whole chicken and how to bone a chicken breast. You can make soup from the bones and have your own tenders or nuggets taken from bone-in breast halves at about one third the price of prepared frozen ones. Five minutes to cut up a whole chicken (when on special at 99 cents a pound) will save you about half on bone-in pieces. Get your grandmother to show you how! (My dad taught me, when I got my first apartment in college. Wow, have I been grateful!)

Lickety-split Lunches: Buy the fresh veggies you like (mini-carrots, for instance) and repackage them in small plastic bags in portions to carry with your lunches or snacks. Repackage chips and crackers into portion-sizes to help you conserve on calories, time and money all at once. You'll have family lunches ready in no time all week.

List-Mania: Shop with a list of your needs, based on a plan for the next week, plus a longer term plan for stocking up on sale items you know you will use on an ongoing basis. (This builds your pantry and helps you save a lot more money in the long run.)

No Hungry Eyes: Shop after you have eaten, so you won't let your immediate hunger trick you into foolish purchases!

Clip Tips: Clip grocery coupons from the Sunday newspaper inserts and ones you print from the internet. (It can be worthwhile to buy a Sunday paper just for the coupons.) My husband used to make fun of me, but one year I saved my receipts and added them up in December. Grocery shopping just for the two of us, I saved over $1000 with coupons. He stopped laughing and became a better shopper himself!

Clip your coupons to your shopping list and use them! If you can combine an advertised special with a coupon this week, so much the better.

Packaged Money: If you run out of money before you run out of week, use the envelope method of budgeting. Put cash into envelopes for rent, utilities, groceries, gas or busfare, clothing, gifts, and so forth. You are more likely to shop carefully when you can see exactly how much you have to make it through the week. Aim to save a little wherever possible by keeping costs even under the amounts in your envelopes. Start a savings account (or a piggy bank) with the extra. Even a little will add up quickly.

Free is Better than Cheap: Use your public library. Read magazines and use computers there. Check out books. Check out videos and audio-books on tape. Find more frugal tips in books in your library.

Let me know some of your favorite money saving tips by responding to this post!

Ask Dr. Ilenya: Seeking Inner Peace -- Twelve Tips for a Year of Transformation

Ask Dr. Ilenya

My latest subscriber letter with questions is from Mr. Atta Yaw, Tamale, Ghana, West Africa. I do love how international we are with the internet! He sent several questions, and I've tackled the first one here today.

He also received a downloadable copy of my e-book, 77 Loving Steps for Success. You can get your own free copy if I answer one of your questions dealing with stress, personal peace, success, self-compassion and related items! Send them to me at Dr.Ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com.


How can one achieve inner peace?

Dear Atta,

Thank you for writing to me and here is an answer to one of your questions. Watch for the others in the next few days!

Inner peace is a choice. As I see it, based on many years of study and practice, creating inner peace is a choice. It's also the opposite of choosing to remain overwhelmed by stress.

It's amazing how after many years of practicing spiritual exercises and meditation, working on myself in classes and individual counseling, and lots of introspection and journal writing, I still have to practice at maintaining my inner peace. Thankfully, after about 30 years, when my peace is disturbed, I can move back to peace more quickly. But I still deal with multiple stressors and have to choose peace consciously in order to keep my inner peace alive and vital within me!

Your straightforward question allowed me to reflect and pull together twelve keys that I work with over and over, with clients and with myself.

How to work with these tips.

If you just read the list and say, "That's nice, these are great tips," nothing will change in your experience. So give yourself the gift of actively working one of these tips each month for the next year or so.

To get the most out of these powerful ideas, print out this list and keep it where you can review it frequently.

Pick one of these suggestions. You might lovingly reflect to make your choice, or choose one at random, or maybe one item will "leap off the page" as the first choice for you.

Now think creatively about how you can put it to work in your life.

Here are some specific examples.

Do you want to learn meditation? Get a book or find an article on-line and sit down daily to practice meditating. Even five or ten minutes will pay off if you do it daily.

Are you ready to focus on what is good in yourself? Get your notebook and list five good things about yourself every night at bedtime. You can come up with other ways to acknowledge the good in yourself. The key is to do something along these lines every day!

Do you want to remember or discover that your divine essence is peace? You might close your eyes and affirm, "I am peace," or "I am at peace, resting in the center of my being." Repeat it gently until you feel it, for a few minutes each day.

Do it. Now, make time every day for the next 33 days to do at least one thing based on your chosen strategy. Put a star on your calendar each day when you complete your practice! If you miss a day, start over!

Be true to yourself and complete 33 days, because that's what it takes to create a solid new habit.

Pick another item. Next month, and thereafter, you can choose to work with a different strategy, or continue with one that seems especially valuable. In little more than a year, you'll have twelve new habits supporting your inner peace.

When you focus on inner peace over and over, a certain amount of stress simply resolves itself and vanishes. For the rest, you will have a wonderful foundation from which to handle any stressful challenges. Your foundation will be much more peaceful than it is today.

Be creative and have fun with this, and let me know your results!

Twelve Tips for Creating Inner Peace

1. Meditate or do spiritual exercises. This will give you a reference point for inner peace that will eventually spill over into your daily life.

2. Practice your faith consistently. You'll develop strength to see you through adversity, plus understanding of purpose for inner peace.

3. Practice gratitude for everything in your life. Even the things you don't like are here for your learning and growth. Gratitude leads to inner peace.

4. Look for the good. Look for the good in yourself and in everything and everyone around you. A warm glow of peace will fill you when see the good.

5. Promote peace in yourself. Choose to stay calm in the face of challenges.

6. Love yourself. Self-compassion and self-nurturing creating a foundation of inner safety in which it's easier to stay calm and peaceful.

7. Forgive yourself for anything you've judged in yourself. Release, and enjoy the inner peace again.

8. Forgive others. Let go of grudges and resentments against others. Forgive and forget for greater inner peace.

9. Practice honesty with yourself and others. When you are true to yourself, inner peace is present.

10. Discover who you are. Remember, you are much more than the body and personality that you normally identify with. Your core, your divine essence, is peace.

11. Focus on the positive. Expect the best, do your best, and you will receive what is best for you. Accepting this, you find inner peace.

12. Become a Neutral Loving Observer of yourself and your life. Then you can accept things you don't like, but see more choices for improvement.

Bonus Tip:

13. Look at life as a grand classroom. You are here to learn and grow and uplift yourself. Greater learning and self-awareness brings inner peace.

All for now --
Joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya
http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
http://www.lovingyoursuccess.blogspot.com


Copyright 2007 Dr. Ilenya Marrin. You may publish this on your own blog or website, ezine, etc., as long as you keep it intact and include my urls.