Seven Tips for Releasing Toxic Relationships

Recently, I had conversations with a few people who all wanted to learn how to let go of a toxic relationship.

Here are some clues, some tips, some food for thought, and an invitation to do whatever releasing you do with utmost compassion for yourself! These are strategies I've learned, mostly from personal experience. I've als0 used them with counseling clients quite a few times. These are not easy, but they are effective.

For my readers, here is the lasered version. The key is, these tips work if you work them. They are not overnight cure-alls. Not every tip will work for every person. But if you choose a process that sounds like it fits for you and stick with it for about a month, you are likely to realize good results.

Here is what doesn't work: choose a strategy, do it today and decide it didn't provide a major change so it is worthless. Pick another for the next day and chuck it for the same reasons. Decide I don't know what I'm talking about and continue doing what you've been doing that brings you misery. Depending on whether you are accustomed to inner work with yourself, these may take some practice. If you are dealing with your own mental health issues or have gone through a dramatic or violent relationship, you should consider professional counseling/psychotherapy help.

Note: I highly recommend that you use a short prayer any time you begin a process, asking that it be for the highest good of yourself and all concerned. Personally, I tend to ask for "Light for the highest good with harm to no one." Some people ask for Light for "this or something better" for the highest good. To me, Light means the Light of God, the highest Light you can possibly imagine.

Tips for Releasing a Toxic Relationship
1. Focus on something other than the person you have broken up with or want to break up with, or who broke up with you. Stay busy with positive, productive activities -- exercise, volunteering, studies, chores, work.

2. Give yourself 10 minutes to worry or grieve about this toxic person. Set a timer. Really get into it if you need to. Then stop! Get busy with your life. Your life is for you. Live it!

3. Love yourself. This is an incredibly powerful strategy if you will do it consistently. A wonderful beginning for transforming your relationship with yourself is to do this simple practice daily for five or six weeks. Keep track on a calendar. If you miss a day, start over!

Look in a mirror, into your own eyes, and tell yourself (Your Name), "I love you."

It may not be easy at first. When I first did this, day one and two were ho-hum. Nothing of note happened. But for at least the next week, every unlovable thought about myself popped to the surface and made it hard to say and to believe in that "I love you." After that phase, it got easier and downright delightful.

The reason it is important to stick with this process for several weeks is that you are training your conscious and unconscious mind in a new habit, a new way of thinking about yourself. The unconscious especially likes repetition and routine, and will cooperate more fully when you are really consistent with your new "instructions" to yourself.

4. Do journal writing about what you are learning about yourself and your life from this painful or toxic experience. What do you want or need to do differently? What are the causes or triggers of your involvement in this relationship? How did you get into it? You can trace your way back out the same way you went in.

5. Be a neutral loving observer of your own process. Research at the University of Texas and several other universities is showing that self-compassion is a huge key for resilience and recovery in challenging situations such as ending a relationship. Watch and learn and grow from what it happening. And be very gentle and kind with yourself.

6. Forgive yourself for any self-judgments about your participation in this relationship. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as needing this painful experience in some way. Forgive yourself for judging your "poor" choices and any other self-judgments that spring to mind. This is another extremely powerful tool when you do it. Five minutes before bedtime on a consistent basis could be very helpful. Say your statements of self-forgiveness silently, inwardly, or out loud, or write them in your journal. Watch for the shift in your energy that lets you know you've moved from doing these statements mechanically to really letting the forgiveness in. You start to feel lighter, more clear inside.

7. Learn about co-dependent relationships. If you feel you need to apologize for your own anger toward this person, stop! Look at the pattern or dynamic between you. Do you feel victimized and hurt, then get angry and lash out at the other person? Then you feel a need to rescue him or her and make it all okay again because you are rather desperate for love and approval? Get hold of any of the good books about co-dependent relationships and read. Or try Co-dependents Anonymous to learn to release the mental and emotional habits that keep you trapped in unhealthy relationships.

Bonus Tip:
8. Cut the energy between you. More and more research is showing the power of the mind over the emotions and even over physical healing of the body. Beliefs are amazingly powerful. Here is a simple process using your creative imagination, based on ancient Hawaiian beliefs about the aka cords or energetic connections between people.

Do this one when you are emotionally ready to release the other person. Do it as many times as necessary if the attachment seems to reoccur.

Ask for Light for the highest good for this process, with harm to no one. Vividly imagine (see, feel, or talk to yourself about) a golden cord between you and the person you want to release, usually from the area of your stomach to the area of their stomach. Now imagine a large pair of golden shears in your hand, and cut the cord between you, near your stomach. Take the end still attached to the other person and send it back to them. Now imagine that you are being filled with a beautiful clear Light from the highest heavens, healing and restoring you. Now get up and do something useful in your life!

I hope some of these tips are useful. Feel free to post a comment about how they work for you, or with questions.

All the best to you!

50 Really Useful Things I Learned from Mom

My mother is having a big birthday soon. As I prepared to send her card this morning, I wanted to write a poem or somehow say something special. But when I scratched out my thoughts, the words were too schmaltzy and didn't say what I wanted. So I thought to thank her by listing a few of the many things I learned from her.

A big part of my success as a human being is thanks to my wonderful mother! Plus, I certainly learned about loving while toddling at her side!

1. Respect yourself.
2. Take care of yourself.
3. Have fun.
4. Reading is fun!
5. Life is good.
6. You can be and do anything you really want.
7. Don’t be kissing boys in public.
8. Be nice to everyone.
9. Lock up your valuables.
10. Smile like you mean it, with your eyes.
11. Keep plenty of food on hand.
12. Put things back where you got them.
13. Indulge yourself from time to time.
14. Stay in touch with your family.
15. Maple syrup and pecans on vanilla ice cream are yummy!
16. Keep on loving in spite of disappointments and hurts.
17. Be proud of your good work.
18. Baking soda in water settles the tummy.
19. Laugh a lot, life is funny!
20. Back rubs are fabulous!
21. If you don’t understand, ask.
22. Choose good people for friends.
23. Think ahead and be prepared.
24. Check toilet seats before you sit.
25. How to tell a good story.
26. Play fair.
27. Help is available, just ask.
28. Be creative.
29. Help each other.
30. Bargains are better.
31. Let people grow in their own way.
32. Brush your teeth and bathe.
33. Tell the truth, except about ugly hats.
34. Fold up a clean sheet of paper and make a budget.
35. Save some money.
36. Make your bed every day.
37. Hold onto your purse and your keys.
38. How to cook a pecan pie.
39. Always do your best.
40. A little of this and a little of that can be good, but sometimes you need to follow the recipe!
41. It’s okay to get mad, then get over it.
42. Always wear clean undies.
43. Work hard and save some money.
44. Be gracious when your partner misbids.
45. A lousy experience makes a funny story!
46. Clean up after yourself.
47. Stay out of bad places.
48. Use coupons and buy loss leaders.
49. Be true to yourself.
50. A wonderful mother is the best gift. You’re it!

Meditation Changes Your Brain for the Better

This is a postscript to our discussion of meditation in class.

Here is a newsletter article from Lynn McTaggart, who has written several books about the latest research on brain-mind connections. This article is about how practices of memorizing and of meditation create very positive physical changes in the brain.

http://www.lynnemctaggart.com/blog/160-change-brains-not-minds

Remember, you don't have to empty your mind of all thoughts in order to meditate. Simply focus on your breathing, a positive word or phrase of your choice, and let yourself move into the peace within. If thoughts are present, just let them be there and keep focusing on your breath or the sound you have chosen. If you are off entirely on thoughts, gently bring your awareness back to your breath or the sound. Enjoy the process. Start with just a few minutes and gradually increase your meditation time to suit your needs and schedule.

Have a terrific, calm and peaceful day!
Dr. Marrin

Still on the subject of overcoming procrastination, here is a link from Psychology Today
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200308/procrastination-ten-things-know
to a good article on procrastination -- why you do it and how it is harming you.

And here is a link to an in-depth article from Cal-Poly designed specifically to help students overcome procrastination: http://sas.calpoly.edu/asc/ssl/procrastination.html

I thought the Psychology Today article was especially telling when it indicated that procrastination can be a rebellion against a very authoritarian, strict parent.

Let me know if you find some useful ideas in these articles. Dr. Marrin

Get in Gear by Starting Your Project Now

Here's another way to tackle overcoming procrastination. I learned this one from a brilliant man named Wally Minto, back in 1980 or so. He taught Alpha Awareness Training, to help people gain attunement with their natural intuition.

If you are a person who has lots of projects underway, and jumps from one to the other without finishing them, it can look like procrastination. A key that Wally shared is this: You are good at starting things. Starting things makes you happy. So when you have a project underway, talk to yourself about starting to work on it now. Vividly imagine starting your project right now. Get excited about starting on it!

Example: You made a brave start on research for your term paper soon after it was assigned. But your notes are just sitting there and you have no energy for finishing the task even though the deadline is next week.

Don't focus on finishing. Focus on your project like this:

I get to start working on my research paper now! I'll start the next piece of it, now! Do as much as you feel like doing, as long as that energy lasts.

Later, come back to it and start again. Do another chunk with renewed energy. Come back as many times as needed and START working on your paper. Pretty soon you'll be starting the ending and it will be complete.

Hope this is helpful to a few of you.
Many blessings, Dr. Marrin

Overcoming Procrastination

I just read all the getting acquainted mini-essays from my students this term. The number one issue reported by an amazing number of students is procrastination.

It was an issue for me when I was a student. I'd have a paper to write and -- in my first year of college -- would sit up all night before it was due, typing frantically, making it up as I went along. By my junior and senior year, I'd learned to pace myself and get started earlier.

But even in grad school, many maturing years later, if I had a big paper due, I would suddenly get a compulsion to scrub my kitchen floor on hands and knees, or to thoroughly clean the fridge and freezer! Looking back, perhaps this was a way to build my active energy to get started on the paper. I certainly built a level of angst, enough to get me mobilized at last.

Here's a true story they I often share with students when this subject comes up in class. Years ago I wanted to incorporate a non-profit organization and I was referred to a young lawyer named David for the pro bono work. He met with me, gathered the information he needed, and promised to get back with me soon. Based on previous experience with lawyers, I had no idea when that would be. But by the end of that week, he came looking for my signature and my little organization was in business.

I commented on his promptness. David then explained that he used to have a terrible problem with procrastination. It got him trouble in college, in law school, and then with judges who were highly annoyed when he missed court deadlines. But, he said, he changed his life with three words.

I eagerly asked his magic secret.

"Do it now," he said. He told himself these words thousands of times daily for a quite a while. After a bit, he started moving his body to do the things that needed to be done. By the time I met him, he was a successful young attorney, someone that people would point to as a guy who would not mess around, but would get good work done on time.

Since sharing this bit of my history with students, I've had a few each semester who come back to me and say this approach really helped them.

It's one of those things that works if you work it. If you just read it and say, "Sounds good," nothing happens. If you start creating new neuron connections in your brain by repeating the instructions to "Do it now," and then you start moving your body (even your eyes over the written words of your assignments) you will quite likely find yourself making the changes you want to make.

If you're a procrastinator, what do you have to lose? Have fun with these three little words. Use them like a mantra for the next month, any time you're doing simple chores, walking, chilling on the couch, sitting in the bathroom -- any time that your mind doesn't have to be actively engaged with talking, thinking, problem-solving -- and see what happens in your life!