Seven Tips for Releasing Toxic Relationships

Recently, I had conversations with a few people who all wanted to learn how to let go of a toxic relationship.

Here are some clues, some tips, some food for thought, and an invitation to do whatever releasing you do with utmost compassion for yourself! These are strategies I've learned, mostly from personal experience. I've als0 used them with counseling clients quite a few times. These are not easy, but they are effective.

For my readers, here is the lasered version. The key is, these tips work if you work them. They are not overnight cure-alls. Not every tip will work for every person. But if you choose a process that sounds like it fits for you and stick with it for about a month, you are likely to realize good results.

Here is what doesn't work: choose a strategy, do it today and decide it didn't provide a major change so it is worthless. Pick another for the next day and chuck it for the same reasons. Decide I don't know what I'm talking about and continue doing what you've been doing that brings you misery. Depending on whether you are accustomed to inner work with yourself, these may take some practice. If you are dealing with your own mental health issues or have gone through a dramatic or violent relationship, you should consider professional counseling/psychotherapy help.

Note: I highly recommend that you use a short prayer any time you begin a process, asking that it be for the highest good of yourself and all concerned. Personally, I tend to ask for "Light for the highest good with harm to no one." Some people ask for Light for "this or something better" for the highest good. To me, Light means the Light of God, the highest Light you can possibly imagine.

Tips for Releasing a Toxic Relationship
1. Focus on something other than the person you have broken up with or want to break up with, or who broke up with you. Stay busy with positive, productive activities -- exercise, volunteering, studies, chores, work.

2. Give yourself 10 minutes to worry or grieve about this toxic person. Set a timer. Really get into it if you need to. Then stop! Get busy with your life. Your life is for you. Live it!

3. Love yourself. This is an incredibly powerful strategy if you will do it consistently. A wonderful beginning for transforming your relationship with yourself is to do this simple practice daily for five or six weeks. Keep track on a calendar. If you miss a day, start over!

Look in a mirror, into your own eyes, and tell yourself (Your Name), "I love you."

It may not be easy at first. When I first did this, day one and two were ho-hum. Nothing of note happened. But for at least the next week, every unlovable thought about myself popped to the surface and made it hard to say and to believe in that "I love you." After that phase, it got easier and downright delightful.

The reason it is important to stick with this process for several weeks is that you are training your conscious and unconscious mind in a new habit, a new way of thinking about yourself. The unconscious especially likes repetition and routine, and will cooperate more fully when you are really consistent with your new "instructions" to yourself.

4. Do journal writing about what you are learning about yourself and your life from this painful or toxic experience. What do you want or need to do differently? What are the causes or triggers of your involvement in this relationship? How did you get into it? You can trace your way back out the same way you went in.

5. Be a neutral loving observer of your own process. Research at the University of Texas and several other universities is showing that self-compassion is a huge key for resilience and recovery in challenging situations such as ending a relationship. Watch and learn and grow from what it happening. And be very gentle and kind with yourself.

6. Forgive yourself for any self-judgments about your participation in this relationship. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as needing this painful experience in some way. Forgive yourself for judging your "poor" choices and any other self-judgments that spring to mind. This is another extremely powerful tool when you do it. Five minutes before bedtime on a consistent basis could be very helpful. Say your statements of self-forgiveness silently, inwardly, or out loud, or write them in your journal. Watch for the shift in your energy that lets you know you've moved from doing these statements mechanically to really letting the forgiveness in. You start to feel lighter, more clear inside.

7. Learn about co-dependent relationships. If you feel you need to apologize for your own anger toward this person, stop! Look at the pattern or dynamic between you. Do you feel victimized and hurt, then get angry and lash out at the other person? Then you feel a need to rescue him or her and make it all okay again because you are rather desperate for love and approval? Get hold of any of the good books about co-dependent relationships and read. Or try Co-dependents Anonymous to learn to release the mental and emotional habits that keep you trapped in unhealthy relationships.

Bonus Tip:
8. Cut the energy between you. More and more research is showing the power of the mind over the emotions and even over physical healing of the body. Beliefs are amazingly powerful. Here is a simple process using your creative imagination, based on ancient Hawaiian beliefs about the aka cords or energetic connections between people.

Do this one when you are emotionally ready to release the other person. Do it as many times as necessary if the attachment seems to reoccur.

Ask for Light for the highest good for this process, with harm to no one. Vividly imagine (see, feel, or talk to yourself about) a golden cord between you and the person you want to release, usually from the area of your stomach to the area of their stomach. Now imagine a large pair of golden shears in your hand, and cut the cord between you, near your stomach. Take the end still attached to the other person and send it back to them. Now imagine that you are being filled with a beautiful clear Light from the highest heavens, healing and restoring you. Now get up and do something useful in your life!

I hope some of these tips are useful. Feel free to post a comment about how they work for you, or with questions.

All the best to you!

May 2011 Student Comments

Even though we learn a tremendous amount from the text -- facts and theories -- my Intro to Psychology classes are never the same. Students add so much with questions, opinions and examples to share. And it seems that those who stick with the class come away with very positive perspectives. Here are a few comments from the personal evaluations I ask students to complete (anonymously) as I don't see official ones for many months. Yes, I am tooting my own horn here, but thought these comments might inspire and encourage new students.

What I liked about this class:
"I honestly liked everything about this class, from the humorous involved lectures to the great overall teaching and examples. I also liked how open to questions you were."

"Going into this class, I thought it would just be a clas that I did work and received a grade. After the second week of class, I was very excited about the class. I loved learning about everything that goes on within myself and others. During this class I was able to learn a lot about myself."

"I liked this class because it expanded my thinking. It made me a more open minded person and more tolerant to other people."

"The interaction with other people when we did in-class projects together. That helped explain things more in depth than the lecture."

"I like the way Dr. Marrin teaches. I like the way she is accepting of everyone's opinion. She is very considerate and understanding."

"I like the group activities. I also like that the teacher encouraged class discussions and allowed you to ask questions whether they be silly or intellectual."

"I liked that it allowed you to think in different perspectives. It let you see yourself and things around you different."

"Text -- outstanding!!! Makes it possible to learn enormous amount of material -- great graphics, real people, concept reviews, summary tests -- great!
"Your caring approach to each student, your honesty about knowing/not knowing particulars -- psych is a huge topic."

"I've always been interested in the basics of psychology and I feel you have done a superb job educating myself and the class. You're passionate about the subject, you exude a lot of energy, and that makes for a fun and memorable learning experience."

What I learned from this class that is not testable
"I've learned to be more patient with myself, to be more understanding with myself, and to listen to myself. I have a lot of work ahead of me. The feelings I have about depression and death will get better if I just be honest with myself and keep working on the present."

"My actual self-image is more negative than what I expected, or what I would hope for. And, ways to remedy that issue."

"I learned that you can't change everything at one time in your life. Life is a process and steps have to be taken slowly in order to change in your life."

"I learned not to mismanage my time so much."

"To be more self-forgiving and less judgmental on myself and sometimes with others."

"I've learned how to avoid judgemental negative peope. I also learned how to become better at blocking out the same negative energy. Before, I did not know how to do this."

"I learned how to look at people for who they are. I also learned how to deal with people with disorders, or on drugs, even how to interpret dreams. I learned what happens during my fiance's short term memory loss. I learned why my kids act and think."

"From this class I learned that person can actually change themselves from learning what is going on within one's self."

". . . Self-awareness. I am more aware of my thoughts, emotions and decisions I make. Overall it's a positive life experience."

"I became more aware of my feelings and actions. I became more of a listener from this class. I try to relax more and meditate. "

"Everyone has hard times. We are the same in so many ways. Never give up."

"Behaving myself, how to treat my child, and how to be more confident about myself."

"That it's great to express yourself. It can actually help you get through the rest of your day."

"One thing that has helped in many ways is how to forgive myself."

"How to properly meditate."

"Exercise and positive thoughts can really lower depression -- I proved this to myself. "