Helping Others vs. Letting Them Take Advantage of You

Wanting to Help and Becoming Abused
"Why do I tend to want to help people even though they always use and/or abuse my helplessness?"

There could be various explanations for why you do this.  For instance, you might be seeking the liking or approval of others, trying to win their good opinion by helping or being nice to them.  Perhaps you don't feel secure in who you are, so you are looking to make them like you.

Continuing to try to help when these people misuse you in return could be carried over from childhood patterns of trying to please a parent or caregiver who never gave that approval.  You may be trying to prove yourself, over and over, but have a pattern of "unworthiness" set in your personality so that you are attracting people who will take advantage of you over and over.

Or, it could be that you've been taught it is spiritual or Christian to give and not spiritual or Christian to refuse to give, to take care of yourself.  There are people who mistake kindness for weakness and they will treat you according to their view that you are asking to be a victim.

You Can Change
The good news is, personality patterns can be changed.  The bad news is, it takes some work.  Meeting with a good counselor, psychotherapist, or clinical psychologist for a few weeks could provide powerful assistance with walking through changes like this.  


If you are willing to do the work, here are some suggestions. 

Focus on Taking Care of Yourself, First and Foremost.  No, this is not being selfish, unkind or non-spiritual. Think about it.  If you don't take care of yourself, who will?  If you are not taking care of yourself, how can you possibly remain balanced when you try to give help to others?  Remember the old question, "Are you giving from a full and overflowing cup, or are you trying to give from a cup that is only half-full?"  If your cup is only half full, take care of yourself.  Love, accept, nurture yourself.  Fill up your cup.  When you are overflowing with loving from the inside out, then you can realistically give to others.

Make a long list of things that you can do or need to do to take good care of yourself.  Start doing them.  Do things that make you feel good physically and live a healthier lifestyle.  Do things that are fun and creative, that make you happy.  Choose to be around family and friends who are positive and uplifting.  If that means finding new friends, find new ones.

Tell yourself positive statements about yourself.  As a friend of mine who works with children and families, "Shine the light on what you want to grow."  If you want more happiness in your life, focus your attention on things that make you feel happy.  Tell yourself things that make you feel happy.  Visualize or imagine happy outcomes in your life.  See yourself as a winner.  Get the feeling of happiness and come back to it over and over.  Sing happy songs or listen to uplifting music.  I used to drive around Las Vegas (home for about ten years) singing to my own tune, "I love myself, I accept myself, I'm my own very, very, very best friend."

Give Yourself Permission to Say No to Others
It's okay to say no.  One of my students a few years ago was a middle-aged woman who described herself as a pushover for family and friends who were always asking for money, rides, food and so on.  This lady was so busy helping to meet the needs of her demanding relatives and friends that she neglected herself.  She was quite angry with all these leeching folks in her life, but dared not tell them so, and thought she was a terrible person for being so upset inwardly.

I gave her permission to say, "No," to these dear people and gave her an affirmation to repeat many times: "I am a woman of power, not a nice little girl."  She began practicing.

At first she felt uncomfortable saying no.  But after a few rounds, she began coming to class with a gleeful smile and reporting how good she was feeling.  Best of all, when they realized she was no longer a pushover, the leeches quit asking for free rides and my student had enough time to take care of herself and her immediate family.  She was much happier and able to focus on her schoolwork.  Her grades improved.  Her health improved.  Her blood pressure went back to normal because she was no longer harboring resentment and anger toward these so-called friends and family.

Broken Record
A useful way to say no, that works for me, is called the "broken record" technique.  The other person says, "Can you drive me to the store, the post office and then to the school to pick up my daughter?  "
And you say, "No, that won't work for me."
They say, "But my car is still in the shop and I'm really stuck today.  You gotta help me out!"  
You say, "No, that won't work for me."  
"But," they say, "I don't have anyone else to call."  
"No, that won't work for me."  
They say, "What, you suddenly have an attitude?  You've always taken me places before!"  
"Sorry, that won't work for me."  
"Well, I don't know why I even bother asking.  Are you sure you can't take me to do my errands?  Please?"  
"No, that won't work for me."

No matter what they say, you keep saying the same thing over and over, "No, that won't work for me."  You don't give an explanation, you don't apologize.  You simply keep stating the bottom line over and over: "No, that won't work for me."

I hope these simple strategies are helpful!  Have fun taking care of yourself.