Taking Care of You for Less Holiday Stress

Today I've been struck by the hype around the holidays,
and thought I'd share a few thoughts on how to enjoy
the holiday season with less stress, less glitz and less
frantic activity. Whew!

I live pretty simply -- very comfortably, but simply.
I don't normally watch much TV and can't imagine how
I'd ever accomplish anything if I did. So I admit I'm
biased. If you like running around in a tizzy every
December, don't bother reading further!

A couple of days ago I went for my normal walk and
passed a neighbor hanging lights on her shrubbery. We
chatted for a moment and I commented, "It's all I can do
to put up a tree every year." I made a decision years ago
to pass on the lights, to keep life a bit more simple and
sane. (All right, I'm lazy. I don't mind admiring other
people's lights, but I'm not willing to hang my own. It's
true!)

A surefire way to reduce holiday stress is to look for one
thing on your "should" list and declare it non-essential.
Scratch it out. Declare it done even if it isn't yet begun.
Give yourself permission to let it go!

Then look for a couple more things like that. Things you
have always done, perhaps, but the kids have outgrown
the custom. Or you have new in-laws now and don't need
to perpetuate this ritual. Or you never really liked it any-
way and you can decide not to do it any more just because
you don't really like it!

Next, book a couple of evenings for yourself. Especially
if you are a working mother, or a caregiver for someone
who is disabled, give yourself some "you" time during this
frenetic season when you are so focused on giving to others.
Write it into your calendar and keep that date with yourself.
It might be a date for a soak in the tub, or reading a novel
not related to the season, or a Saturday afternoon hike in
the local woods. Whatever would be relaxing and regenerating
for you. (This is not a time to catch up with girlfriends unless
you have someone who is a really good listener, who nurtures
you.)

It might even be simply a night to go to bed at 8:30
and catch up on your ZZZZs. I've managed a couple of those
early nights lately and boy do I appreciate them the next
morning!

I wouldn't suggest vegging in front of the television as a form
of relaxation. (Here's the other thing I've noticed in the last
few days!) Remember, I seldom watch TV, but recently I've
spent several evenings doing simple embroidery on gifts in
front of the screen. At first, it was cool to catch a few
episodes of crime solver shows, because I'm a long-time
mystery reader.

But after seeing about 15 episodes of a few of these shows,
I was burned out. They seem designed for creating stress in
the viewer -- more gore and excitement for jaded, seen-it-all
watchers in living rooms everywhere. You may think that just
sitting there and absorbing the action is relaxing.

It is not.

As you watch, especially the more dramatic and violent shows,
you are jerking around with mental and emotional
stress reactions almost as powerful as if you were participating
in person. If you watch a lot of television, you may be so numb
to your gut level responses that you don't realize the stress
of the process. But it is affecting you. (And if you fall asleep
while watching, the gore content goes straight into your
unconscious where it can haunt you with uneasy feelings and
weird dreams more or less indefinitely! )

So, to really relax, try listening to music, exercising, taking a
hot bath, reading something non-violent, trading massages,
giving yourself a foot rub, or working on a hobby that you love.
You might even be able to play with the kids, if you really allow
yourself to play and you don't have to constantly referee the
action.

OK. You get the idea. I'm big on taking care of yourself as a
way of maintaining your personal peace during the holiday
season.

Let me know what works for you! Either post a response on
this blog, or email me at Dr.Ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com.


Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Author of e-books:
The Power of Personal Peace:
Reducing Stress by Loving Yourself from the Inside Out,
A Way of Loving Intention
and
77 Loving Steps for Success

http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com

Copyright 2006 Dr. Ilenya Marrin. You may copy this and use it elsewhere as long
as you keep it intact.

Ask Dr. Ilenya about Skills for Coping with Stress

Hi Dr. Ilenya,

Your request could not have come at a better time
for me. I would be honored if you chose to use it
on your blog. My question is this:

I am a single mother of two wonderful children,
ages 5 and 7. Over the last year, I have looked
inward for some very deep soul searching, learning
just who I am, and what I want out of life. I have
never been more contented and happy in my
entire life!

I have recently taken the leap of faith and become
100% self-employed, after a career as an office
administrator. Before this, I worked at my business
in my “spare time”, with many late nights, groggy
mornings, too much coffee, not enough good food,
and I hate to admit, a lot of cranky days… My
business is my passion; I love everything that I do!

There could not have been a better time to make
this transition. In the three years since my divorce,
I have been taking a wonderful journey in learning
how to create exactly the future I want. However,
I do not deal with stress so well. I know that I will
experience some rocky spots along the way, so I
was wondering what are some skills I could focus
on during times of stress?

Thank you,
Marie

http://www.bonsaifaery.com/
..delight your skin and senses..
100% pure & natural soaps & body products

Hi, Marie,
Thanks for your question. I might have answered
this one sooner, but I was traveling and speaking for two
weeks and it's been a slow "re-entry" getting back
to my usual routine.

First, big congratulations for doing all your inner
work on learning who you are and what you want
out of life. I can think of nothing more rewarding if
you aim for a life of joy, loving and fulfillment!

And kudos for starting your own business that you
love! To me, the stresses of running your own
business are much more fun than those that come
with being an employee somewhere else!

You don't say specifically what stressors you deal
with, or what you experience under stress, so these
comments will be pretty general.

First, if you haven't already, check out my articles
on stress and divorce for a few ideas in case dealing
with your ex should ever be stressful.
www.powerofpersonalpeace.com/articles/divstress.htm.

In keeping with your inner explorations, you might
want to begin some form of meditation or contemplation
on a regular basis. When you do this consistently,
day in and day out, it has a very calming effect on your
outlook overall and you have a huge inner reservoir of
peace from which to draw in a time of crisis.

I wouldn't wait for a time of stress to learn meditation.
Begin now and be prepared for the ups and downs of
life with greater inner resilience. For starters, check out
my articles on meditation at
www.powerofpersonalpeace.com/articles/medhints1.htm.

Practice being a Neutral Loving Observer of your life,
a skill I discovered during my doctoral research. I talk
about this in my e-books, but the very short version is
to observe yourself in action almost as if you were visiting
from another planet. You're a loving, caring, interested,
curious observer of this person called Marie and all that
goes on in her life. You can accept all the dilemmas and
challenges as a part of life. You don't judge or criticize. You
simply observe, notice, or see with clarity of vision.

Being the Neutral Loving Observer allows you a
wonderfully broad perspective free of self-judgment and
guilt. It gives you enormous freedom during times of
stress and challenge and during the crossroads of life
when you want to make wise decisions. In a sense,
it's an "active meditation" process, providing another
good habitual attitude and a profound resource you
can access during challenging times.

Beyond these basic suggestions for skills, you might
focus on building resilience as a multi-dimensional
human. In other words, build in good habits of physical
exercise and nutrition, positive thought (which will impact
how you feel on a daily basis), and spiritual practices that
match your faith and lifestyle.

Cultivate openness to learning and growing every day.
Then instead of being rigid, set in your ways and brittle,
you'll be strong in knowing yourself yet able to change
and adapt regardless of the challenges. You'll use stress
as the impetus to learn, grow and develop positive
solutions.

Let me know if these comments are helpful, and my very
best wishes for your success in life and in business.

Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya


http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com
Dr.Ilenya@PowerofPersonalPeace.com

Copyright 2005 Ilenya Marrin, Power Of Personal Peace.
73 Prim Road #115
Colchester, VT 05446
Phone: 802-658-2921

Ask Dr. Ilenya about Student's Stress

Dear Ilenya Marrin, DSS,
Hello. My name is Yoshiki M. I am a student at Kwansei
Gakuin University in Sanda, Japan.

I found your email address in web site. I am researching
about stress. I have to write report of chemistry every week.
It is hard for me to write a report. I feel stress very much
at such time. Then, I decide researching about stress. I
want you to answer three questions.

1. When do you feel stress?
2. How could you reduce stress?
3. What do you think the merits of stress are?

I am looking forward to waiting your mail. Thank you.
Yoshiki M.

Dear Yoshiki,
I'll answer your third question first. The merits of stress
would include motivation to do our best. Without some
stress, some pressure, we might have extremely boring
lives because we'd never be motivated to get up and do
much of anything. Stress in limited doses can be quite
positive, giving us the energy and intention to make the
extra push for success.

Typically, you feel stress such as tension, nervousness,
stomach or headaches, etc., as the result of two opposing
forces pushing or pulling you in different directions.
For instance, you may feel intense pressure from parents,
teachers or society in general to do very well at the
University -- a force pushing you to succeed according to
external standards of excellence.

On the other hand, you may feel out of your depth,
inadequate or overwhelmed in a particular subject like
chemistry, or simply when it comes to writing those
reports about chemistry.

Your stress could easily be the result of your experience
of perceived or felt pressure to excel versus internal self-
doubt about your abilities.

For a more general example, the fibers of a tree would be
under stress in a severe windstorm. The upright structure
of the tree tries to maintain its form. The wind pushes
against it. If the wind if strong enough, the tree will bend
or even break under the stress. A supple, pliable tree like
a willow, will bend easily before the wind and then resume its
natural shape when the wind stops. A more rigid tree, like
an aspen in my yard, will snap in two.

With too much ongoing stress, a person will "break" by
developing physical or emotional symptoms that seriously
interfere with living a full and happy life.

How to reduce stress is the subject of my 150 page e-book,
The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving
Yourself from the Inside Out, plus countless books on stress
reduction by other authors. Here are a few tips. If you haven't
already, also subscribe to my free newsletter, Simple Stress
Solutions, at my website, www.powerofpersonalpeace.com.

Quick stress reducers would be, take a break from writing and
take a walk, go play sports for a while, play any game in which
you excel, or talk to a friend. Come back to your writing
assignment refreshed.

Another approach: Do some problem solving on how to make
writing chemistry reports easier for you. Do you need to begin
the assignment earlier so you are not rushed? Do you need to
request extra explanations from the professor? Do you need
help from an older student who succeeded in this class?

For the longer term, begin a regular practice of some form
of meditation to learn how to calm your mind more easily.
Then, when you tell yourself to relax, you'll know how!

In your case, my intuition says you would most likely
reduce stress by stopping the conflict between pressure
to excel and the inner self- doubt or self-criticism.
Ideally, you relax and let go of both sides of this conflict.

How? Your feelings of stress are largely a result of your
habitual thought patterns. Change the way you think, or the
way you talk to yourself about yourself. When you are
relaxed and in a good space, begin to tell yourself positive things
about yourself, such as:

(For your inner self-doubts about abilities)
"I know how to relax and let school reports be fun and easy."
"I'm changing my mind and changing my
life. I am writing all my reports with ease and grace."
"I now unlock the chemistry genius within me and I succeed
with ease."
"I am success. I am succeeding now."
"My inner genius knows exactly how to do this and I'm doing
it now."

(For feelings of pressure related to what others expect of you)
"I am enough. I am doing enough."
"I love myself just as I am."
"While I would prefer to have the approval of my parents
(or others), I know that I'm doing my best and I approve
of myself just as I am."

Figure out exactly what it is that worries you the most and
make up a totally positive statement that is the opposite.
Say it many, many times, thousands of times if necessary,
and your unconscious mind will begin to make it so for you.

I know that in Japan, there is tremendous pressure to
succeed academically and to live up to your parents'
expectations. You have probably internalized those
expectations so much that you think you MUST succeed
according to their desires for you.

That's only true if you believe it is true. In truth, from a
larger perspective, you may define your own measure of
success. Maybe chemistry need not be a part of that
success. (How's that for a wild idea?)

See if you can find ways to love and accept yourself just
as you are and forgive yourself for judging yourself harshly
or judging yourself as a potential failure. All these pressures
based on someone else's view of you simply make it harder
to focus on doing your work as best you can.

Hope this is helpful, and I'm sending you joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Ask Dr. Ilenya about Temper with a Teen

Here is Subscriber Question #4.

Dear Dr. Marrin,
I'm a teacher. I have a great deal of compassion for my
students, and I'm extremely patient with them (most of
the time).

I'm also a father of two. My son is 17 and by most accounts,
he is a terrific kid. But there are times when I just can't
tolerate his laziness or his hipper-than-thou attutude. I
find I blow up at him at least once a month. I have far less
tolerance for my son, whom I love, than I do for my students.

Are my expectations too high? Is there something I need to
know, the knowing of which will let me see a bigger picture
somehow? I don't want to drive a wedge between my son
and me. But I'm afraid that's what I'm doing when I lose my
temper at him.

Thank you for any insights you may suggest.
Bob Z. of Hudson Valley Region, New York

Dear Bob,
I bet almost every parent reading this can identify with your
dilemma! In our psychologically savvy culture, there is
tremendous and often unrealistic pressure to be "the perfect
parent."

First, remember that you wouldn't lose your patience and
blow your stack if you didn't love your son tremendously. I'd
be willing to bet that he knows at a deep level -- regardless of
your occasional outbursts -- how much you care. As long as
you're not abusive, your anger is probably appropriate and far
better than apathy. You might remind yourself that you are your
son's perfect father. You're the one he got, and you're doing the
best you know how with him every day. That counts for a lot!

That said, I think that most of us wish to handle challenging
situations without losing our cool.

Sometime when you and your son are both in a good space, you
might try talking to him about how you wish you didn't blow
up. Some other time have a general discussion with him about
laziness and attitude -- not directed at his behavior. Talk about
people and life in general and how he handles it when he sees
someone with an attitude, or how he feels when a classmate is lazy
and doesn't hold up his or her end on a class project. These could
be revealing and healing discussions for both of you.

A long time ago, I learned "nine magic words" from one of my
favorite authors, John-Roger. These are words you can repeat
inwardly, silently, at times when the tension is building or you're
aware you're getting irritated. (I use them in all sorts of tense or
emotional situations from business meetings to personal discussions
to working with myself inwardly.)

The words are: "God bless you, I love you. Peace be still." You
simply repeat these mentally as long as necessary. If nothing else,
they should help you to remain centered. I have also seen this
process settle really ugly situations in a few minutes! Experiment
and see what happens.

And finally, remember the old saw, "Now that I'm an adult, my parents
are a lot smarter." Your son will undoubtedly outgrow some of
his current attitude in another few years.

Joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya

Ask Dr. Ilenya about Freedom from Upset

Subscriber Question #3
Dear Dr. Ilenya,
I'm getting upset when do not go as per my expectation.
I want to have freedom from upset. What to do?
Dr. Mahesh of Surat, India

Dear Dr. Mahesh,
You're describing a major challenge related to being human.
The classic spiritual answer is "to have no expectations."

I find it more practical to adopt the viewpoint of a Neutral
Loving Observer, which I write about in some detail in my
e-book, The Power of Personal Peace.

As the Neutral Loving Observer, you are still active and
engaged in life on all levels. But you observe the action
without judging it. That's the neutrality.

Example: I heartily dislike automated phone answering
systems where I have to enter numbers and be transferred
from one holding station to another before talking to a
person. I get quite annoyed while on hold for fifteen minutes.
If I will remember to observe myself, it's as if I step to a
higher level, and I can say, "Oh, there I go again, getting
upset over something I really can't control."

Just acknowledging my process helps to diffuse my frustration.
I take a deep breath and move back to patience.

The "loving" part of Neutral Loving Observer is a reminder
to love yourself in your human condition, upsets and all.

I think that as long as we are breathing, we are meant to be
learning and growing. If you will neutrally look at the
upsetting situations as opportunities to uplift yourself, and
lovingly accept yourself and your human process, you will
probably find it easier to stay peaceful. At least, you should
be able to return to your peaceful state more quickly after
the upset.

Blessings of Light and Loving,
Dr. Ilenya

Ask Dr. Ilenya

Hello! I'm writing to you from Tyler, Texas, where I'm
visiting my mom and brother. Last weekend, I spoke
at the Center for Spiritual Living in Austin and did
some individual consultation sessions with clients, and
this coming Sunday, I'll speak at a Unity Church in
Nacogdoches.

We've had beautiful warm weather! I gathered pecans
and have been picking them out with a promise of great
baking for months to come!

Because I'm traveling, I'm slow in posting the next replies
for my advice column, but here are two more. This time,
I'm posting them as blog entries. I'll have to figure out a
format that works best as I go along.

See my next two entries for the next two responses!
Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya