Ten Ways to Love Yourself Now

Hope you're having a great Wednesday! My classes at one college just finished finals. I have two more to go next Monday at the other college. These are for me bittersweet endings as we've gotten to know each other and students are on to their next adventures!

Today, writing a note on a student paper, I was advising her to be loving and kind to herself. Here is a quick list of ways to give yourself compassionate nurturing and caring. Apply liberally in all sorts of circumstances!

Unconditional Positive Regard
P.S. Humanistic psychologists would look at this as moving toward unconditional positive regard for yourself, a step toward self-actualization.

Ten Ways to Love Yourself Now

1. Sincerely tell yourself, "I love you." Put your hands on your stomach or your heart, wherever the warmth and caring of your hands would feel good. Say it a few times and let it really sink in.

2. Look into your own eyes in a mirror and tell yourself, "I love you." Go for one minute a day doing this, for about 30 days, and see what happens. At first it feels hokey, weird, untrue. If you stick with it past the uncomfortable feelings, (about a week to ten days for most people) you may be amazed at the shifts in your energy.

3. What would nurture you? What would make you feel really cared for, supported, coddled, protected? What would give you the feeling of warm blankies and delicious hot soup on a chilly day, or the inner experience of basking in the summer sun with no cares in the world? Identify two or three actions you can take often to nurture yourself -- gifts of time or small treats that uplift your spirits just because you deserve it. Do one of them now and the others really soon, and repeat often!

4. Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug!

5. Write in your journal tonight all the things you are grateful for.

6. Write a love letter to yourself, sharing all the things you most appreciate about yourself. Put it in an envelope, address it to yourself and stamp it. Give it to a trusted friend to mail to you six months from now. Or tuck it into a special book or drawer where you will surprise yourself by finding it in a few months.

7. Sit quietly and do nothing for ten minutes. (No tv, ipod, cell phone.) A cup of tea or coffee would be okay. But just sit. Breathe in and breathe out. Enjoy the stillness.

8. When you are tired, go to bed.

9. Meditate for inner answers. Stop looking for answers outside yourself. Love yourself enough to remember that the answers you seek are available within you. Practice meditation a few times a week. Start with five or ten minutes and work up to longer. (See my website, http://www.powerofpersonalpeace.com/ for many tips on how to meditate.) With practice meditating, you will begin to access and trust your own inner wisdom , a wonderful way to love yourself more deeply.

10. Speak only kind words about yourself. If you habitually make negative, self-disparaging remarks (even humorously), stop. Catch yourself and zip your lips. Then, catch the unspoken thoughts and substitute more positive ideas about yourself. When you consistently acknowledge yourself with positive remarks, your moods and expression will come to reflect an inner radiance of loving and confidence.

For instance, instead of worrying, "I'll be old, ugly and alone," tell yourself, "I'm enjoying the adventure of a lifetime, discovering who I really am and why I'm here. I'm always connected with the perfect people and situations for my upliftment, learning and growth." "As I love myself more and more, my life unfolds in its own perfection."

You deserve the best, and you are the only one who can give yourself exactly what you want. (Give yourself positive words!) As you transform negative patterns of speech, your emotions will lift and you may find yourself behaving as if you are living a happy and loving adventure!

Until next time,

Love, Light and Hugs,
Dr. Ilenya

Ask Dr. Ilenya about Student's Stress

Dear Ilenya Marrin, DSS,
Hello. My name is Yoshiki M. I am a student at Kwansei
Gakuin University in Sanda, Japan.

I found your email address in web site. I am researching
about stress. I have to write report of chemistry every week.
It is hard for me to write a report. I feel stress very much
at such time. Then, I decide researching about stress. I
want you to answer three questions.

1. When do you feel stress?
2. How could you reduce stress?
3. What do you think the merits of stress are?

I am looking forward to waiting your mail. Thank you.
Yoshiki M.

Dear Yoshiki,
I'll answer your third question first. The merits of stress
would include motivation to do our best. Without some
stress, some pressure, we might have extremely boring
lives because we'd never be motivated to get up and do
much of anything. Stress in limited doses can be quite
positive, giving us the energy and intention to make the
extra push for success.

Typically, you feel stress such as tension, nervousness,
stomach or headaches, etc., as the result of two opposing
forces pushing or pulling you in different directions.
For instance, you may feel intense pressure from parents,
teachers or society in general to do very well at the
University -- a force pushing you to succeed according to
external standards of excellence.

On the other hand, you may feel out of your depth,
inadequate or overwhelmed in a particular subject like
chemistry, or simply when it comes to writing those
reports about chemistry.

Your stress could easily be the result of your experience
of perceived or felt pressure to excel versus internal self-
doubt about your abilities.

For a more general example, the fibers of a tree would be
under stress in a severe windstorm. The upright structure
of the tree tries to maintain its form. The wind pushes
against it. If the wind if strong enough, the tree will bend
or even break under the stress. A supple, pliable tree like
a willow, will bend easily before the wind and then resume its
natural shape when the wind stops. A more rigid tree, like
an aspen in my yard, will snap in two.

With too much ongoing stress, a person will "break" by
developing physical or emotional symptoms that seriously
interfere with living a full and happy life.

How to reduce stress is the subject of my 150 page e-book,
The Power of Personal Peace: Reducing Stress by Loving
Yourself from the Inside Out, plus countless books on stress
reduction by other authors. Here are a few tips. If you haven't
already, also subscribe to my free newsletter, Simple Stress
Solutions, at my website, www.powerofpersonalpeace.com.

Quick stress reducers would be, take a break from writing and
take a walk, go play sports for a while, play any game in which
you excel, or talk to a friend. Come back to your writing
assignment refreshed.

Another approach: Do some problem solving on how to make
writing chemistry reports easier for you. Do you need to begin
the assignment earlier so you are not rushed? Do you need to
request extra explanations from the professor? Do you need
help from an older student who succeeded in this class?

For the longer term, begin a regular practice of some form
of meditation to learn how to calm your mind more easily.
Then, when you tell yourself to relax, you'll know how!

In your case, my intuition says you would most likely
reduce stress by stopping the conflict between pressure
to excel and the inner self- doubt or self-criticism.
Ideally, you relax and let go of both sides of this conflict.

How? Your feelings of stress are largely a result of your
habitual thought patterns. Change the way you think, or the
way you talk to yourself about yourself. When you are
relaxed and in a good space, begin to tell yourself positive things
about yourself, such as:

(For your inner self-doubts about abilities)
"I know how to relax and let school reports be fun and easy."
"I'm changing my mind and changing my
life. I am writing all my reports with ease and grace."
"I now unlock the chemistry genius within me and I succeed
with ease."
"I am success. I am succeeding now."
"My inner genius knows exactly how to do this and I'm doing
it now."

(For feelings of pressure related to what others expect of you)
"I am enough. I am doing enough."
"I love myself just as I am."
"While I would prefer to have the approval of my parents
(or others), I know that I'm doing my best and I approve
of myself just as I am."

Figure out exactly what it is that worries you the most and
make up a totally positive statement that is the opposite.
Say it many, many times, thousands of times if necessary,
and your unconscious mind will begin to make it so for you.

I know that in Japan, there is tremendous pressure to
succeed academically and to live up to your parents'
expectations. You have probably internalized those
expectations so much that you think you MUST succeed
according to their desires for you.

That's only true if you believe it is true. In truth, from a
larger perspective, you may define your own measure of
success. Maybe chemistry need not be a part of that
success. (How's that for a wild idea?)

See if you can find ways to love and accept yourself just
as you are and forgive yourself for judging yourself harshly
or judging yourself as a potential failure. All these pressures
based on someone else's view of you simply make it harder
to focus on doing your work as best you can.

Hope this is helpful, and I'm sending you joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya