Ask Dr. Ilenya about Temper with a Teen

Here is Subscriber Question #4.

Dear Dr. Marrin,
I'm a teacher. I have a great deal of compassion for my
students, and I'm extremely patient with them (most of
the time).

I'm also a father of two. My son is 17 and by most accounts,
he is a terrific kid. But there are times when I just can't
tolerate his laziness or his hipper-than-thou attutude. I
find I blow up at him at least once a month. I have far less
tolerance for my son, whom I love, than I do for my students.

Are my expectations too high? Is there something I need to
know, the knowing of which will let me see a bigger picture
somehow? I don't want to drive a wedge between my son
and me. But I'm afraid that's what I'm doing when I lose my
temper at him.

Thank you for any insights you may suggest.
Bob Z. of Hudson Valley Region, New York

Dear Bob,
I bet almost every parent reading this can identify with your
dilemma! In our psychologically savvy culture, there is
tremendous and often unrealistic pressure to be "the perfect
parent."

First, remember that you wouldn't lose your patience and
blow your stack if you didn't love your son tremendously. I'd
be willing to bet that he knows at a deep level -- regardless of
your occasional outbursts -- how much you care. As long as
you're not abusive, your anger is probably appropriate and far
better than apathy. You might remind yourself that you are your
son's perfect father. You're the one he got, and you're doing the
best you know how with him every day. That counts for a lot!

That said, I think that most of us wish to handle challenging
situations without losing our cool.

Sometime when you and your son are both in a good space, you
might try talking to him about how you wish you didn't blow
up. Some other time have a general discussion with him about
laziness and attitude -- not directed at his behavior. Talk about
people and life in general and how he handles it when he sees
someone with an attitude, or how he feels when a classmate is lazy
and doesn't hold up his or her end on a class project. These could
be revealing and healing discussions for both of you.

A long time ago, I learned "nine magic words" from one of my
favorite authors, John-Roger. These are words you can repeat
inwardly, silently, at times when the tension is building or you're
aware you're getting irritated. (I use them in all sorts of tense or
emotional situations from business meetings to personal discussions
to working with myself inwardly.)

The words are: "God bless you, I love you. Peace be still." You
simply repeat these mentally as long as necessary. If nothing else,
they should help you to remain centered. I have also seen this
process settle really ugly situations in a few minutes! Experiment
and see what happens.

And finally, remember the old saw, "Now that I'm an adult, my parents
are a lot smarter." Your son will undoubtedly outgrow some of
his current attitude in another few years.

Joy and peace,
Dr. Ilenya