Reclaiming Your Life with Self-Loving
For some reason, this story was on my mind when I woke up this morning.
Over the years, I've worked with a few people who've taken back their lives after struggling with very dysfunctional family relationships for years. That struggle is a high order stressor, and the process of reclaiming their own identity, self-respect and self-loving is a huge challenge but so worthwhile!
If you are like the people I've known going through anything like this, you may go through all the symptoms of grief as if a loved one died. That's how enormous the changes are!
On the other hand, you are excited and enthusiastic to be discovering new skills in self-loving and self-respect, learning that you are worthy to receive of the goodness of life. You don't have to let your family (spouse, kids, parents) trample all over you, nor do you need to stay locked into a pattern where you are tempted to lash out at them in self-defense.
One person I knew years ago left a chaotic, painful situation, leaving her alcholic husband with three out of control drug-using, street wise kids. "How terrible," some would say. "What a bad mother," they might think.
From my viewpoint, this person took a great leap of courage and faith to break free of an extremely toxic family dynamic. Instead of participating and further enabling those unhealthy interactions, she moved herself to a higher vantage point. While working full time, she went back to school and obtained her Masters degree in counseling. She entered whole-heartedly into her own process of therapy, learning to function in new and much healthier ways. She also learned to forgive and accept herself. She started acting like someone who loves herself.
After a little time, she became a major factor in helping each of her children to make positive and healing changes. As she learned to care for herself, she "filled her own cup" and had some overflow of loving energy to share with the kids.
None of this happened overnight. It actually took years to unfold, the way family actions typically do. Each person had to find his or her own space to grow and transform.
Not only did this mom deal with the stress of leaving, handling her emotions such as grief and guilt, anger and hurt, she dealt with financial stress of working and attending college, and the emotional stress of helping her family as best she could while taking care of herself and maintaining her own balance.
She also managed her internal pain of getting honest with herself, letting go of old habitual ways of looking at relationships, and much more. She had to choose, over and over, that she was worthy of a better life, that she was doing the best she could, that she refused to get sucked back into the old patterns. There were plenty of rocky moments where those old hateful patterns resurfaced and called for healing. She got through them the best she could minute by minute and day by day.
In this story, stress was high for everyone involved. The stakes were high. The choices were hard. This mother could stay with her family and they could all continue in a downward spiral of pain and misery, or she could do something radically different -- get out and change herself. In choosing the latter, she fervently hoped that the others would be all right, that they would also find help, but she had no guarantees. She was terrified for herself and them.
But she kept looking for the next step for a higher road, a better way, some way to lift herself so that she could have the perspective and balance to make wiser choices. She began to seek, and find, a spiritual path that supported her. Her journey got a little smoother, though still with plenty of challenges.
Bottom line: In taking care of herself, she ultimately helped all the rest of the family immensely.
I'm sharing my memories and thoughts on this subject because we need to recall that dealing with stress and loving yourself into success do not come without a price. For some the price is extreme. But you can get through whatever it is. If you keep choosing the most loving options available, for yourself and the others involved, you will get where you need to go.
I've consistently found that those who are on some sort of spiritual path have an easier time, have more inner resources, have a greater sense of being buoyed up in times of challenge. No matter what your faith or spiritual practices, use them in your times of greatest stress and challenge.
Three simple, practical approaches to combine with prayer or meditation according to your faith:
Get quiet and ask yourself some hard questions, and pay attention as the answers come. Let your inner Coach guide you lovingly to your next steps.
Write yourself a letter listing all the problems of your stressful or challenging situation, all the pros and cons and possible solutions, and burn it. Let it go. Enjoy the sense of release. Be watchful for any new information that comes your way as guidance for next steps.
Take your dilemma on a long walk and ask for spiritual guidance according to your faith. As you approach the end of your walk, let go of the mulling and musing and give it all over to God, to Spirit, to the Divine Essence of Life. Let it go. Get on with your next tasks. Be alert for any new awareness or resources that might show up for you.
Less stress, more success, walking through your life choosing your inner peace and loving. I keep working on it! Hope you are joining me!
Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya
P.S. I'd love to hear from you with comments, questions, or topics that you'd like me to write about. Maybe you want to ask about a specific kind of situation. If it has to do with loving yourself into success and less stress, into more love, self-acceptance, and personal peace, let me know what you're thinking. You can post a comment or question here on the blog, or you can email me at ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com. I don't guarantee a personal answer, but that is a possibility as time permits. I would quite likely to be able to respond in this blog.
Over the years, I've worked with a few people who've taken back their lives after struggling with very dysfunctional family relationships for years. That struggle is a high order stressor, and the process of reclaiming their own identity, self-respect and self-loving is a huge challenge but so worthwhile!
If you are like the people I've known going through anything like this, you may go through all the symptoms of grief as if a loved one died. That's how enormous the changes are!
On the other hand, you are excited and enthusiastic to be discovering new skills in self-loving and self-respect, learning that you are worthy to receive of the goodness of life. You don't have to let your family (spouse, kids, parents) trample all over you, nor do you need to stay locked into a pattern where you are tempted to lash out at them in self-defense.
One person I knew years ago left a chaotic, painful situation, leaving her alcholic husband with three out of control drug-using, street wise kids. "How terrible," some would say. "What a bad mother," they might think.
From my viewpoint, this person took a great leap of courage and faith to break free of an extremely toxic family dynamic. Instead of participating and further enabling those unhealthy interactions, she moved herself to a higher vantage point. While working full time, she went back to school and obtained her Masters degree in counseling. She entered whole-heartedly into her own process of therapy, learning to function in new and much healthier ways. She also learned to forgive and accept herself. She started acting like someone who loves herself.
After a little time, she became a major factor in helping each of her children to make positive and healing changes. As she learned to care for herself, she "filled her own cup" and had some overflow of loving energy to share with the kids.
None of this happened overnight. It actually took years to unfold, the way family actions typically do. Each person had to find his or her own space to grow and transform.
Not only did this mom deal with the stress of leaving, handling her emotions such as grief and guilt, anger and hurt, she dealt with financial stress of working and attending college, and the emotional stress of helping her family as best she could while taking care of herself and maintaining her own balance.
She also managed her internal pain of getting honest with herself, letting go of old habitual ways of looking at relationships, and much more. She had to choose, over and over, that she was worthy of a better life, that she was doing the best she could, that she refused to get sucked back into the old patterns. There were plenty of rocky moments where those old hateful patterns resurfaced and called for healing. She got through them the best she could minute by minute and day by day.
In this story, stress was high for everyone involved. The stakes were high. The choices were hard. This mother could stay with her family and they could all continue in a downward spiral of pain and misery, or she could do something radically different -- get out and change herself. In choosing the latter, she fervently hoped that the others would be all right, that they would also find help, but she had no guarantees. She was terrified for herself and them.
But she kept looking for the next step for a higher road, a better way, some way to lift herself so that she could have the perspective and balance to make wiser choices. She began to seek, and find, a spiritual path that supported her. Her journey got a little smoother, though still with plenty of challenges.
Bottom line: In taking care of herself, she ultimately helped all the rest of the family immensely.
I'm sharing my memories and thoughts on this subject because we need to recall that dealing with stress and loving yourself into success do not come without a price. For some the price is extreme. But you can get through whatever it is. If you keep choosing the most loving options available, for yourself and the others involved, you will get where you need to go.
I've consistently found that those who are on some sort of spiritual path have an easier time, have more inner resources, have a greater sense of being buoyed up in times of challenge. No matter what your faith or spiritual practices, use them in your times of greatest stress and challenge.
Three simple, practical approaches to combine with prayer or meditation according to your faith:
Get quiet and ask yourself some hard questions, and pay attention as the answers come. Let your inner Coach guide you lovingly to your next steps.
Write yourself a letter listing all the problems of your stressful or challenging situation, all the pros and cons and possible solutions, and burn it. Let it go. Enjoy the sense of release. Be watchful for any new information that comes your way as guidance for next steps.
Take your dilemma on a long walk and ask for spiritual guidance according to your faith. As you approach the end of your walk, let go of the mulling and musing and give it all over to God, to Spirit, to the Divine Essence of Life. Let it go. Get on with your next tasks. Be alert for any new awareness or resources that might show up for you.
Less stress, more success, walking through your life choosing your inner peace and loving. I keep working on it! Hope you are joining me!
Joy and Peace,
Dr. Ilenya
P.S. I'd love to hear from you with comments, questions, or topics that you'd like me to write about. Maybe you want to ask about a specific kind of situation. If it has to do with loving yourself into success and less stress, into more love, self-acceptance, and personal peace, let me know what you're thinking. You can post a comment or question here on the blog, or you can email me at ilenya@powerofpersonalpeace.com. I don't guarantee a personal answer, but that is a possibility as time permits. I would quite likely to be able to respond in this blog.
posted by Ilenya Marrin, DSS @ 9:44 PM
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