How Can I Love and Trust Again? To Thine Own Self Be True

Overcoming Betrayal to Love and Trust Again
Recently, a young man asked one of his biggest life questions: "Will I find someone who I can share my life with and fully trust?"

He described a year long relationship with a special girl, but said she cheated with his best friend and he ended up losing both girlfriend and best friend. He wants to be able to trust again despite this betrayal by two people quite close to him. He wants to trust his other friends, and he wants to be able to love deeply and trust again. He does sound hopeful, saying, "I'll keep believing that I'll soon find the right girl to spend my life with."

My Thoughts on the Matter:
Experience brings discernment. Discernment is part of wisdom.

Discernment means being able to sort out and recognize the truth, to discriminate and be keenly aware of distinguishing differences -- in the people and situations you encounter. Painful though it was, you now have experience that will help you be more discerning in the future, especially about the qualities of a person with whom you get romantically involved.

Check It Out
Once you find your new special someone, I suggest that you really take your time getting well acquainted before plunging into marriage. Take at least two years to date, to get engaged, to spend a lot of time together going through the ups and downs of life as loving partners. You might decide that part of your engagement means living together for several months or a year before going ahead with the marriage.

The point of a long courtship is to give yourselves time to experience how each of you respond to the many challenges of life. It's one thing to be head over heels in love for a year and another to start behaving maturely to make decisions and plans about a whole life together. How well do you support each other in times of crisis? Do you stand by each other in a demonstration of faith and loyalty? Don't make assumptions. As my friend John-Roger has often said, "Check it out."

In other words, you will build up a bank of experience with your beloved. You won't have to wonder and worry about trust. You will know by her behavior whether she is trustworthy, as she will know by your behavior. You'll discern where there might be any other sticky spots in your relationship (disagreements about spending, planning a family, recreation or where to live) and you can work on those together -- gently if possible. You'll discover whether you truly share the same values, whether you only talk the talk, or whether the two of you can walk the walk together. A lifetime is a long and wondrous journey. Give yourselves time to lovingly discern how you can walk it together.

Watch and Learn
As for trusting your other friends, trust them to be exactly who they are and do exactly what they do. Don't worry, don't assume. Watch and learn. As I tell my psychology students, be the neutral compassionate observer. Your friends' behavior, day in and day out, will tell you whether you can rely on them. If you see signs of unreliability in areas that would hurt you, you might choose to find new friends instead.

To Thine Own Self Be True
One key that I've used myself and encouraged in clients is learning to trust yourself. If worries about trust remain an issue, it may be that you don't trust your own ability to be discerning. Or, maybe you are not always trustworthy with yourself. Sometimes the experiences we have with other people are like mirrors inviting us to look at our own thoughts and behaviors.

If you continue to fear another betrayal, check to see if there are any ways you've been betraying yourself, or not being true to your own deepest self. You can start by changing anything in you that needs changing, to create greater alignment with your true self and your outer expression -- your personality and activities, etc. Once you truly line up within yourself, you will usually find that your world reflects that same level of authenticity and integrity back to you.

Hope this is nourishing food for thought and that you are having a great time with your life right now. That's what will help you connect with that special someone at the perfect moment.

All the best to you,
Dr. Marrin

Clearing a Space

Wonder what your prof does when she's not in class?

This evening -- after a blissfully quiet Saturday at home -- I spent about two hours sifting through a foot high pile of little notes, clippings, ads, business cards and other "important" stuff that had piled up on my desk. It was all the stuff that was too important to toss immediately because I should or might want to do something with it. Some of it had been hanging around in this "Maybe" file for seven or eight months, spilling over onto my computer, making it hard to find really important stuff like bills. You may be familiar with this syndrome.

I carried it all to the dining room table. There, I entered names and numbers into my address book, and website codes into my other address book. I filed remarkably few items, maybe half a dozen. I now have a small stack of to do items tucked into my daytimer book. I threw the rest away.

What's funny is, I had to stop and actually think about many items. It was tempting to hold onto some just in case, perhaps, I might want to follow up on them at some potential point in some possible future. (Maybe, perhaps, I made that sentence redundant on purpose.)

My key questions were: If I don't keep this card or scrap of paper, can I find this or a similar service when I want it? With internet access, the answer to almost every item is, yes, easily. Do I want to do anything with this now? Mostly I had to fess up. No, not really. Not now. Maybe not ever. Or not for a long time. I resolutely built a pile of discards on the floor and periodically carried them to the recycle bin in the garage. It felt great to move them OUT, really out of my area of attention!

My lesson for myself is that I need to make decisions about incoming information on the spot. I need to open mail over the trash can and quit clipping "perhaps" items from newspapers and magazines, and quit printing "good ideas" from the internet. I'm a "how to" junkie, but all these possibilities drag on my energy if I am not ready to act on them.

My dear friend and author John-Roger has often pointed out that we need an alignment of thought, feeling and action to make something happen. If any part of this trio is missing, we are left spinning our wheels, wasting energy, going nowhere. So I need to decide if I'm ready to take action on things that look and feel like good ideas. If not, most of it can get recycled.

I'm really appreciating the moment as I wrap up here. It's amazing how good I feel with a clean desk. Clearing out these scraps of information -- each an itty bitty drag on my energy --actually gave me the inspiration to write this post.

My desk is delightfully clear, holding my laptop, tissues, sticky notes, a phone, a jar of pens and a mirror reflecting the doorway (good Feng Shui). In the past, it would stay this way for 48 hours or less.

Since I'm posting this, I'm challenging myself to follow my own advice and keep it clear by making instant decisions on all the "stuff" that comes my way. I'll let you know next month how it's going.

Love and Light,
Dr. Ilenya

Stress Questions

This week my Introduction to Psychology classes have focused on stress. What is it, what causes it, and what can prevent or reduce it? Some interesting questions came out of those classes.

Stress and Hair Loss:
One was about stress and hair loss and I had to look it up. It turns out, according to doctors at the Mayo clinic, that a period of severe stress can cause two kinds of hair loss -- one in which lots of hair comes out in your shampooing and hairbrushing, and one in which small round bald patches appear. In both cases, the hair usually grows back after a number of months. Bottom line, if your hair is falling out, it's a good idea to see your doctor as hair loss could also be a symptom of other ailments.

Do Men or Women Have More Stress?
According to various researchers, women typically have higher levels of stress because they are more sensitive and tend to "take on" more emotional burdens. Women also have stress-related mental health disorders more often than men.

Does Fighting Relieve Stress?
This question led to an interesting class discussion in which some guys felt they gain great stress relief from fighting. Most agreed that the fight needs to be between brothers or friends and have some controls for safety. Fighting with strangers can have really unpleasant outcomes, especially as young men pass the magical age of 18 and major legal consequences are a risk.

Although fighting does burn off the build-up of adrenaline triggered from the "fight or flight" response to acute stress, much the way it did for our ancient ancestors, there are usually safer, more productive ways to release the stress of anger today. Any sport or vigorous exercise (or active chores) will also work off stress hormones and help the person feel calmer.

Post your comments and additional questions to make a good discussion here!

For Heavy Reading -- A Bookworm

Happy Easter.

This is just for fun and little creativity. Do you read sitting at a desk or table? Tired of holding pages down? Make a bookworm to do the work for you.

A scrap of denim or other sturdy fabric about 13 inches by 4 inches is all you need. Fold in half inside out, and stitch one end and the long side. Turn right side out. Fill with BBs. Leave about two inches unfilled so it remains flexible. Turn under the ends and sew up the last end. Lay the bookworm across your books and papers so you can read hands free while eating your cereal.

A plastic jar of BBs sells for about 7.99 in Meijer, and made three bookworms today. Give a couple away as gifts.

I just made one for my husband this afternoon so he would stop borrowing mine! I ended up with two extras, so we can have one in each room where we read.

Enjoy getting back in the class routine for the week ahead.

If You Don't, Who Will (Take Care of You)?

Are you taking care of yourself?

"What kind of stupid, corny question is that?" you may ask.

If you had the life of your dreams, what kind of care would you be receiving from loved ones and hired help?

If you had experienced an ideal childhood, what kind of care would you have received from your parent or parents?

Since none of us had a picture-perfect childhoods, and we are just beginning to strive for the lives of our dreams, we may have some poor self-care habits. Failure to take care of yourself in the midst of studying and all your other responsibilities is a recipe for stress and self-sabotage.

Here you are as a college student, marching, tiptoeing, bulldozing or sleeping your way through required courses. You're dragging with you all the habits of self-care that you learned or developed from your less-than-magnificent early years. Do those habits look like strategies that will support your stressful life as a student? Will those self-care patterns sustain you when you get a real career and have to be sharp and focused to make responsible decisions every day?

You can make some new choices about good self-care right now, today.

Do you get enough sleep? Do you eat wisely? Exercise? Do you manage to make study and classes fun? Do you stay in touch with family and friends? Do you take quiet time for yourself?

What does good self-care mean for you? Remembering to take your medications or your vitamin supplements? Brushing and flossing? Hanging up your clothes so they don't inconvenience you when you want something to wear? Keeping your class notes in an organized form? Maintaining a daily, weekly and monthly calendar of tasks and assignments?

Jot down your personal list and recommit to taking good care of yourself! You'll be a better student because of it.

Whether you still live with your family or have been the head of your household for years, most of us could stand some improvements in self-care. Please post comments to share with your best methods for taking care of yourself, that help you to succeed as a student.

Super Tip: By the way, did you mentally list a few strategies for how you'd like to be cared for if your life was designed just the way you'd wish it to be? Pick one of the most important to you, one that would be really satisfying. Now figure out a way that you can begin to give that to yourself.

Do you imagine a mansion with a spa-like bathroom and mountains of bubble bath?
Run a tub full of hot water and throw in bath salts. Do it this week. Do it often. Give to yourself now those things that you really want.

Do you imagine being deeply loved by your future mate? Ask yourself how that partner might let you know of his or her love. Figure out how you can give that same kind of love to yourself. If your ideal mate would show love by buying flowers for you, go buy yourself some posies. A single rose or a bouquet from the grocery store can be a way that you love and nurture yourself. Whatever you imagine your ideal mate would do to care for you, see if you can create a way to give that to yourself. (I often instruct clients to tell themselves, "I love you." It is very healing and restorative.)

Good self-care lets your inner self know that you respect and honor yourself. Good self-care helps to engage the cooperation of your unconscious success mechanism. Setting up a pattern of good self-care says, "I deserve the best. I deserve to take good care of myself now."

Good self-care doesn't mean expensive. It means loving dedication to meeting your own needs in balanced and positive ways. (I'll do a post later about saving and spending creatively.)

Have a great week.

Success is Nice

Yes, success is very nice. When you succeed, when you accomplish what you set out to do, the feeling of pride and completion can warm you from the inside out like nothing else.

In order to succeed, most people find it helpful to be nice along the way. I don't mean namby-pamby, wimpy, sweet nice. I mean courteouos and kind to those you encounter. Whether it's in the parking lot, in a classroom, on the job, or with your family, old-fashion manners go a long way toward creating the aura of success that makes people respect and take you seriously.

Look at this way. Someone who is consistently successful can afford to take the time and thought to be courteous and kind. Act the part until it is second nature for you, and speed your journey to success.

My students will remember the short video on inattentional blindness that we watched in class. ( Go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahg6qcgoay4 to see it again.)

A big inference from that experience is that what you are looking for is what you will see.

Therefore, why not focus on the success already present in yourself? Begin now to seek out and pay attention to the successful person already lurking inside! Start to think, speak and act like a successful person.

One very simple way to do that is to reclaim the courtesies you were most likely taught as a kid.

This could be as simple as raising your hand to speak in a dynamic conversation in a college class. It could be putting cell phones away, out of sight and vibration sound, so as not to disturb your classmates and instructor when you are tempted to do a quick text response. It could be not smoking except in designated smoking areas on campus, and putting cigarette butts into a trash receptacle. Nothing heroic. Just acting like someone who can afford to be civilized because you are already a success!

I'll leave you with this thought from Aristotle: "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit."