A Minute in the Mirror, A Lifetime of Loving

I am forever grateful to a traveling group of workshop presenters who taught me to look in a mirror and love myself!  For over thirty years, I have been using and teaching mirror work, just like Louise Hay suggests in her newsletter of yesterday morning.  It made a profound difference in my life back in 1982, when I took a one evening workshop at the Religious Science church in Las Vegas.  I have no clue any longer as to the name of this group or where they learned or developed their presentation including this simple but amazing strategy. But my thankfulness overflows to this day!

Many clients and probably over a hundred of my introductory psychology students in the last few years have also expressed deep gratitude for the process.  I offered this technique as a possible strategy for use in a self-nurturing project to prepare for our required term paper.  Of the numerous positive outcomes from mirror work reported in those papers, my favorite is the young woman who sashayed into my classroom, singing out, "Dr. Marrin, Dr. Marrin, I learned to love myself!"  She dropped her paper on my desk with a flourish and swirled to her seat with a joy that touched everyone present.

How can you do it?  This is very simple, takes only a minute, but requires consistent practice.  I highly recommend that you do it every day for five weeks, which is what I asked students to do for their projects. This allows time to form and anchor a new habit of consciousness.  Give yourself a sticker on a calendar, or some sort of check off in you smart phone each day to keep track.  If you miss a day, start over on your five week commitment.  

Each morning, look into your eyes in the mirror, tell yourself your own name and say, "I love you."  That's it.

When I did it the first time, 32 years ago, the first couple of days were rather ho-hum.  Then there was at least a week when I said those words and every unlovable thing I had ever said, thought or done tumbled to the forefront of my mind.  As instructed, I said the words anyway.  In a little time, I was looking in my eyes and saying, "I love you," with amazingly deep compassion and loving.  Often, tears flowed gently from an infinite spring of loving within me.

Now, if I need a boost any time, I can look into my eyes and see the loving shining forth, say those words as a caring reminder, and watch my whole self light up from within.

Throughout my life, my personal and spiritual growth has come in small shifts from changing my thoughts and practices.  This was one of the most profound of those small shifts, correcting the course of my inner life to greater alignment with the Oneness with Spirit, the heritage of each one of us.

Enjoy!  Love and Light,
Ilenya

Question about Issues with Giving to the Homeless

The Question

"Why do I have issues with giving homeless people spare change when my car is full of spare change I don't really use?  I often lie to the homeless and say I don't have change because I feel like just the way I got the spare change, they could have it as well but they are just lazy and don't want to work."

Judging Others

The way your question is worded, you sound irritated and judgmental about these homeless people.  The implication is that you have worked hard for your money and they could do the same.  From my perspective, it is very human to make these judgments and I've certainly done my share of them.  On the other hand, when we are committed to learning and growing and following a faith-based path of upliftment, when we judge others, that judgment seems to rebound on us.  You might be . . .

Judging Yourself

Again, the way your question is worded, it sounds like you might be judging yourself as 1) unwilling to give, 2) lying and 3) judging them as lazy. All of these could easily fall into a category of being un-spiritual or un-Christian or simply not being a nice person.  

Forgive Yourself

Funnily enough, the key here is to forgive yourself for the judgments you are holding against yourself.  Example:  "I forgive myself for judging myself as unwilling to give to the homeless.  I forgive myself for judging myself as lying to them.  I forgive myself for judging myself for judging them as lazy."  Etc.  You can make free form statements like this, releasing any judgmental thoughts that arise as you reflect on this situation.  Self-forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools in my toolbox, and I use it frequently and am thankful to have this method of releasing negativity.

Be Willing to See the Situation Differently

One of my favorite self-talk methods when I'm not sure how to handle a situation, or I don't yet know what the best perspective would be, is to tell myself a few times, "I am willing to see this differently."  Usually, my attitude shifts, opens up, and within a day or two I get some new ways of looking at the situation.  The new ideas can come from a book, TV, another person or just my own thoughts and intuitions as I go through my day.

Hope these ideas are useful!  Blessings of loving and Light to you.

Bad Moods Every Morning

Why do I wake up angry and seemingly depressed, or with an attitude -- not really wanting to be bothered by anyone?  Sometimes it takes me hours to come back to reality and put a smile on my face.


Research done in Great Britain indicates that six out of ten people surveyed admit to waking up in a bad mood quite often.  The write up in the Daily Mail indicates that people mainly blamed a bad night's sleep and expecting heavy workloads in the office for their poor sleep.  People in the study reported that what helped them most to let go of grumpiness  included a shower (hot or cold), one or more cups of coffee or tea, and going to work.  Seeing sunshine also helped many people feel happier.

If you are concerned and want to change this pattern, I'd recommend the following personal research steps and simple behavior changes to help you discover the most likely trigger for your bad moods, and possible fixes.  Look at your life, see what might fit for you, and experiment gently with changes.

• How long has this been happening?  Have you been grumpy in the morning all your life?  Or did this pattern recently develop because of some stress, illness, or lifestyle changes?  
• Check to see if you are getting adequate sleep -- seven to eight hours for most of us.  Good sleep hygiene includes keeping your room cool and dark, eliminating pets and other distractions from the bedroom, going to bed and getting up at the same time each day, giving yourself some quiet "winding down" time to reduce stress before bed, perhaps limiting liquids for a few hours before bedtime, eating early enough that you don't go to bed with indigestion, and turning on a fan or a peaceful CD for some "white noise" to eliminate distracting household or street sounds.  
• Are you taking any prescription medications, or using nicotine or caffeine products late in the day?  Are you using non-prescription or recreational drugs or alcohol that could interfere with restful sleep?
  If you answer yes to any of these, you might experiment with changing your routine and habits, or talk to your doctor about trying another medication that would not keep you awake.  
• Do you have any illness that keeps you from getting sound sleep?  This could be a number of things from back pain or headaches to asthma or heart disease or even diabetes.  Anxiety or depression could also interfere with sleep and mood.  If any physical or emotional ailments might be the problem, your doctor may be able to suggest treatments that will handle your illness better and allow you to sleep more normally.
• What is your mood when you go to bed at night?  If you are stressed, you may be working on your life challenges all night in the dream state (even if you don't recall a thing) and I believe this can contribute to a bad mood in the morning.  The positive steps below might help.  
• Use the power of your mind to create new behavioral and emotional patterns and manage stress or other issues that impact your sleep and wake cycles.  Positive self-talk (affirmations) or giving yourself pep talks can help a lot.  You could also write five or ten statements of gratitude each evening at bedtime.  Remember that when you make positive affirmations, you don't need to believe them.  You just need to say them, several times, and begin to create new neuron connections in the brain.  In a little time, you'll quite likely start to have some experiences to match the statements, and it won't feel fake anymore. Examples of affirmative self-statements you might use:
• I love myself when I'm grumpy in the morning. 
• I forgive myself for judging myself as being too grumpy and out of sorts. 
• I'm giving myself time to adjust to being awake and happy.  
• I love mornings and new beginnings -- more and more each day.
• This bad mood in the morning -- I am willing to see this differently.  
• I am sleeping soundly and waking up refreshed and happy.
• Work with intentions such as those suggested by Patricia Garfield in her book, Creative Dreaming.  Tell yourself nightly one or all of the following statements, and make a point to record your dreams or even tiny fragments of dreams each morning.  Figure out what is the message from your unconscious to your conscious self.  
• I confront and conquer danger in my dreams.
• I ask for and receive help in my dreams.
• I bring back gifts from my dreams.
• Have a cup of coffee or tea and then do some mild exercise, like a walk, or dancing around the house for a few minutes.  Get your body moving to feel better.  
• Let me know of your progress, or any additional questions on this subject.  Good luck!

Hypnosis and Memory

Can Hypnosis Help You Remember the Textbook?

"Is it possible for someone to get hypnotized and get fed information that he will clearly remember after the hypnosis and in the long run?  For example, if I got hypnotized and someone was reading my textbook to me, would the brain be able to register every word since I am under hypnosis?"

I use hypnosis occasionally to help people make internal changes in consciousness or to allow them to self-suggest behavior changes.  I have no experience using hypnosis to improve memory.  Theoretically, it should be possible, IF the person being hypnotized is strongly susceptible to suggestion.  I believe you might need a skilled hypnotherapist and several sessions to accomplish this.

But what is the point of remembering every word in the book?  What you really want is to learn the important points, and to understand and be able to think about important concepts.  You want to be able to take those concepts and understand real life examples and situations.

For a more practical approach to improving memory, try this link which gives you a wonderful embedded mnemonic.  You would then tie other material you want to remember to the ten points in this series to make bizarre and memorable images.  For more possibilities, Google "hypnosis and memory" to find various programs that will sell you CDs claiming to help memory via hypnosis.  Again, I have no experience using hypnosis this way.  If you find useful information, please let me know!

Dreams of Ex Boyfriend

Are Dreams of My Ex Caused by Conscious or Subconscious Mind?
One person writes, "I often have dreams of being with someone, yet my ex would always be on my mind in the dream.  Is this caused by my conscious or subconscious mind?  I'm confused because he usually is in my conscious mind but I thought when sleeping you dream about your subconscious thoughts you had during the day."

Subconscious simply means below conscious awareness.  It sounds to me as if you are still working out your feelings about your ex.  If you are dreaming of a new relationship, the dream thoughts of your ex are still there telling you they are unresolved.  During the day, you may be consciously thinking of your ex, but if your feelings are still somewhat conflicted, those may be suppressed (pushed down) into your subconscious and they therefore pop up in your dreams.  In other words, one part of you would like someone new, but another part of you is still dealing with the loss of your ex.

To help release these feelings, you might want to spend some time journal writing about your thoughts and feelings about your ex.  Let yourself feel your feelings.  Dig deep in your emotions to really observe what is there, and get it down on paper to see it objectively.  It can be helpful to have a goal of learning as much as possible about yourself and your life from analyzing this previous relationship.  You can be a neutral compassionate observer of yourself, accept yourself and this relationship just as it was, forgive yourself for any judgments you have placed against yourself, and forgive anything he might have said or done that seemed to hurt you.  Learn from all of this.  Let it be an adventure in learning, so that you have more knowledge and tools to help yourself and help others in the future.

Hearing My Wife's Voice and Tiredness Despite Plenty of Sleep

Why Do I Hear My Wife When She Is Nowhere Around?
"For instance, like fighting with her brother, I hear her tell me to just walk away from him and let it go."


You hear her voice in your mind because you have powerful memories of her having said similar things in person in the past.  These voice memories serve as part of your inner wisdom or your conscience, reminding you of the best ways to handle difficult situations.

Why Do I Feel Tired after Six to Eight Hours Sleep and a Day Doing Nothing?
Sometimes, we feel tired because we are doing too little!  We might feel a little bored or "down" and it feels like tiredness.  A cure is to some form of physical activity, from chores to walking or working out.  Getting the body in motion brings in energy and then you don't feel tired.

Helping Others vs. Letting Them Take Advantage of You

Wanting to Help and Becoming Abused
"Why do I tend to want to help people even though they always use and/or abuse my helplessness?"

There could be various explanations for why you do this.  For instance, you might be seeking the liking or approval of others, trying to win their good opinion by helping or being nice to them.  Perhaps you don't feel secure in who you are, so you are looking to make them like you.

Continuing to try to help when these people misuse you in return could be carried over from childhood patterns of trying to please a parent or caregiver who never gave that approval.  You may be trying to prove yourself, over and over, but have a pattern of "unworthiness" set in your personality so that you are attracting people who will take advantage of you over and over.

Or, it could be that you've been taught it is spiritual or Christian to give and not spiritual or Christian to refuse to give, to take care of yourself.  There are people who mistake kindness for weakness and they will treat you according to their view that you are asking to be a victim.

You Can Change
The good news is, personality patterns can be changed.  The bad news is, it takes some work.  Meeting with a good counselor, psychotherapist, or clinical psychologist for a few weeks could provide powerful assistance with walking through changes like this.  


If you are willing to do the work, here are some suggestions. 

Focus on Taking Care of Yourself, First and Foremost.  No, this is not being selfish, unkind or non-spiritual. Think about it.  If you don't take care of yourself, who will?  If you are not taking care of yourself, how can you possibly remain balanced when you try to give help to others?  Remember the old question, "Are you giving from a full and overflowing cup, or are you trying to give from a cup that is only half-full?"  If your cup is only half full, take care of yourself.  Love, accept, nurture yourself.  Fill up your cup.  When you are overflowing with loving from the inside out, then you can realistically give to others.

Make a long list of things that you can do or need to do to take good care of yourself.  Start doing them.  Do things that make you feel good physically and live a healthier lifestyle.  Do things that are fun and creative, that make you happy.  Choose to be around family and friends who are positive and uplifting.  If that means finding new friends, find new ones.

Tell yourself positive statements about yourself.  As a friend of mine who works with children and families, "Shine the light on what you want to grow."  If you want more happiness in your life, focus your attention on things that make you feel happy.  Tell yourself things that make you feel happy.  Visualize or imagine happy outcomes in your life.  See yourself as a winner.  Get the feeling of happiness and come back to it over and over.  Sing happy songs or listen to uplifting music.  I used to drive around Las Vegas (home for about ten years) singing to my own tune, "I love myself, I accept myself, I'm my own very, very, very best friend."

Give Yourself Permission to Say No to Others
It's okay to say no.  One of my students a few years ago was a middle-aged woman who described herself as a pushover for family and friends who were always asking for money, rides, food and so on.  This lady was so busy helping to meet the needs of her demanding relatives and friends that she neglected herself.  She was quite angry with all these leeching folks in her life, but dared not tell them so, and thought she was a terrible person for being so upset inwardly.

I gave her permission to say, "No," to these dear people and gave her an affirmation to repeat many times: "I am a woman of power, not a nice little girl."  She began practicing.

At first she felt uncomfortable saying no.  But after a few rounds, she began coming to class with a gleeful smile and reporting how good she was feeling.  Best of all, when they realized she was no longer a pushover, the leeches quit asking for free rides and my student had enough time to take care of herself and her immediate family.  She was much happier and able to focus on her schoolwork.  Her grades improved.  Her health improved.  Her blood pressure went back to normal because she was no longer harboring resentment and anger toward these so-called friends and family.

Broken Record
A useful way to say no, that works for me, is called the "broken record" technique.  The other person says, "Can you drive me to the store, the post office and then to the school to pick up my daughter?  "
And you say, "No, that won't work for me."
They say, "But my car is still in the shop and I'm really stuck today.  You gotta help me out!"  
You say, "No, that won't work for me."  
"But," they say, "I don't have anyone else to call."  
"No, that won't work for me."  
They say, "What, you suddenly have an attitude?  You've always taken me places before!"  
"Sorry, that won't work for me."  
"Well, I don't know why I even bother asking.  Are you sure you can't take me to do my errands?  Please?"  
"No, that won't work for me."

No matter what they say, you keep saying the same thing over and over, "No, that won't work for me."  You don't give an explanation, you don't apologize.  You simply keep stating the bottom line over and over: "No, that won't work for me."

I hope these simple strategies are helpful!  Have fun taking care of yourself.

Dreams, Drinking Questions

Why Don't I Dream?
As far as I know, everyone dreams.  Some people simply don't remember their dreams.  This is neither good nor bad.

If you want to remember your dreams, a bit of practice will go a long way.  You might start by setting an intention or goal to remember your dreams.  Each night at bedtime, tell yourself, "I am remembering and writing down my dreams."  It might take a few days, but you will start to remember at least bits and pieces.

Keep a notebook and pen handy on your nightstand or under your pillow.  Some people keep a small flashlight there too.  I have learned to write in the dark, using the thumb of my left hand holding the notebook as a marker as I work my way down the page, scribbling with my right hand.  I need to look at my scribbles fairly soon or sometimes I can't decipher them!

Writing down whatever you do recall is a way of "honoring the dream," and letting your unconscious know that you now value your dreams.  Your unconscious mind will usually cooperate by producing more dreams close to wake-up time so you can remember more.  The more you practice and write down and analyze your dreams, the easier this gets.

Also, based on a lifetime of working with my own dreams, I know we go through periods of rather rich dreaming, and occasional "dry spells" with few memorable dreams.  All of that is just fine.

I hope you begin to explore and call forward your dreams using some of these strategies.  It has been a rich and rewarding process for me.  It's like solving the mysteries of your own self night by night.

Why Does Drinking Alcohol Take My Mind of Things?
Alcohol is a depressant, meaning it dulls or shuts down some of the executive functions of the brain.  For instance, it can shut down the parts that feel extremely responsible and worried.   At first, shutting down those areas of the brain allows you to feel relaxed, free and happy.  With more alcohol consumption, more areas of the brain are depressed or shut down, and you have a hard time speaking clearly, walking straight, etc.  Extreme alcohol consumption can depress or shut down vital functions and cause death.

PTSD, Procrastination and Insomnia

PTSD Nightmares
"Traumatizing experiences that have happened in my life have caused me to have terrible nightmares.  Can hypnosis possibly be used to help me forget about these experiences?"

While some websites advertise hypnosis recordings to help eliminate PTSD nightmares, a better bet from my viewpoint would be EMDR, also known as Rapid Eye Movement therapy.  This is a cognitive therapy that does not erase the memory of what happened, but helps to remove the fear, anxiety and other negative emotions that come up in nightmares and other flashbacks to the traumatic situations.  I found a link to EMDR therapists in Michigan and you could narrow your search by location even more.

Another approach would be simply to share your experiences with a non-judgmental counselor or pastor.  I have had clients who were haunted by traumatic experiences talk or write about their experiences and learn to forgive themselves for being a victim, and to understand and tell a new story about why they had those experiences.  Their flashbacks and nightmares gradually diminished and their joy in life returned.

Procrastination
"I have a really bad habit of procrastinating.  Is there a possible way I can condition myself to not procrastinate?"

I often talk to my classes about my friend David, a young attorney in Las Vegas, who told me he was possibly the world's worst procrastinator.  But he changed his life with three words:  Do it now.  He repeated these words like an affirmation, thousands of times over a period of months, and he soon began to take action.  He became known as the attorney to use if you wanted swift and effective action, because he got things done -- on time or early.

You could experiment with his technique:  Tell yourself over and over, perhaps 100 times each morning, "Do it now."  Whenever you need to accomplish one of your tasks, again tell yourself, "Do it now."  And get up and do it.  In a short time, the reward of your feeling of pride and accomplishment will motivate you to do even more.  This would be a way of conditioning your mind to expect and be prepared for action, and then when you move into the behaviors and accomplishing your goals, you will become self-rewarding.

You might also want to make lists of all the things you need to complete and start tackling them one by one.  Either highlight the things you have completed, or scratch them off the list.  Or get some happy stickers to put by items on your list.  In the beginning, you might want to reward yourself for taking action promptly.  A small treat at the end of a successful, productive week might help.

Insomnia
"I have a family member that I live with who suffers from insomnia.  Mainly I think it is from stress, but she doesn't want to take medication.  Can it be cured naturally?  Through classical conditioning, teaching her to sleep?  I thought this might be a cool, non-drug-related method."

I don't think classical conditioning (predicting outcomes that trigger reflex reactions) would work, but cognitive learning and behavior change could help tremendously, and some self-rewards (operant conditioning) might help to reinforce her efforts.  The best book I have read on this subject is Desperately Seeking Snoozin, which was out of print a few years ago, but available used, inexpensively.  A popular website dealing with the subject gives standard tips for good sleep hygiene.

Sleep, Dreams and Marijuana Questions

Twitching and Nightmares


"During the first stage of REM, I often start twitching or having dreams where I'm getting attacked by snakes or someone jumps out and scares me and I always wake up scared or in a panic.  I was wondering why this happens and why I always twitch during Stage One."

First, instead of "first stage of REM," I think you mean the first stage of sleep, falling asleep.  If that's true, then the twitches are a very common phenomenon called a hypnic jerk.  Causes are not completely understood, but these muscle contractions often appear to be triggered by stress or anxiety, or even lack of sufficient calcium in the system.

The nightmares happen during Rapid Eye Movement or REM sleep.  If I have a nightmare, I analyze it the same way I analyze other dreams, exploring every element of the dream to discover what part of me it represents.  For me, depending on what was happening in the dream, a snake might indicate my primitive responses.  A snake attacking me might be my primitive fear or anger trying to get my attention.  Other activities in the dream could give me clues about what the anger or fear is related to.  Someone jumping out at me might mean some part of myself that is usually hidden is trying to get my attention by startling me.

Does Marijuana Have Nicotine In It
No, it doesn't.  But, if it happens to be rolled up in a cigarette with nicotine tobacco, then the smoke would also contain nicotine.

It's the THC in marijuana that tickles the reward-pleasure center in the brain, creating cravings for more.  There is an interesting short article from Psychology Today that you might enjoy for more on the addictive properties of marijuana.

Quit Smoking and Handle the Urges around Friends

Handling the Surprise Challenges of Quitting Smoking
"I've recently been trying to give up smoking and I've found that normally if I'm at home away from the TV, I really don't have urges to smoke.  But if I see someone on TV smoking, or if I'm at work, the urges come back.  How can I avoid smoking without completely removing myself from friends that also smoke?"

Overcoming Conditioning
You're describing the conditioning of positive, pleasurable social interactions with smoking.  It will take time for these effects to be extinguished or wear off.  You might need to avoid those TV and your smoking friends, especially while they are smoking, for a few weeks, until your temptations are not so strong.  Instead of stepping outside to the smoking area at work to talk while they light up, chat in the break room with a cup of coffee or tea.  If you must be around smokers, have something in your hands to play with or a low-calorie treat to eat slowly.

Here are three interesting links to follow for more information.  Web MD has ten practical tips with some helpful details.  Stop Smoking Tips takes a slightly different approach, and the article in Time Magazine points out, in essence, that when you quit, you might be encouraging your friends to quit.  

Is it possible for someone to fake being under hypnosis?  If so, is it very common?
Sure, it is possible.  I haven't seen this except in kids acting silly.

I suppose someone who is only mildly susceptible to imaginative suggestions could really want to please the hypnotist, or to make points with the group around them, and pretend to be deeper in hypnosis than they really are.  The person probably wouldn't get the benefits like pain reduction or inner attitude changes by faking it.  What would be the motivation for faking it? 

I always have a dream about children in different situations.  What could that indicate?
Without knowing more about the specific individual dreams, it's hard to say.  In my dreams, children (especially babies) have often represented my creative projects underway.  Sometimes they represent my responsibilities in life.  Sometimes they represent my innocence or curiosity, depending on what they are doing, what mood they are in, etc.  When you have a dream about a child or children, look for the details in the dream to give you clues about what part of yourself is being represented by the child, and what the message from yourself to yourself might be.

How can I start making better sleep habits?  I seem to always wake up two to three times throughout the night.  
One question is, do you go right back to sleep?  If so, no big deal.  Sometimes when you stop worrying about waking up, you stop waking up.

Other possibilities to check:

• Drinking fluids in the evening can mean full bladder signals waking you up in the night.  Cut out liquids after dinner and see if that helps.  Especially avoid caffeine after noon.  
• Are you waking up with dreams in mind?  If so, try writing them down immediately and then analyze them the  next morning.  Perhaps your unconscious mind is trying to give you a message.  Pay attention.  "Honor the dream."  Often, when this happens to me, once the dream is scribbled in my notebook, I can slip right back into sleep -- sometimes  into a continuation of the same dream.
• Are you going to bed with worries or long to do lists in your head?  Or are you generally stressed out? Physically writing down your lists of chores, shopping items and agenda for the next few days can help you relax for the night.  Once these things are written, they are where you will safely see and remember them.  If you make a habit of checking your lists and completing those items, your unconscious mind won't need to keep waking you up to remind you of things!  Completing your tasks will also help you reduce stress levels and feel more at peace on a daily basis.
• The usual list for good sleep habits includes keeping your room nice and dark, not allowing pets in your bed, using a fan or CD for "white noise", keeping the room cool, and only using your bed for sleep or sex.  Go to sleep and get up at the same times every day.
• If you do wake up and have difficulty going back to sleep, experts suggest getting up and doing something quiet for a while until you are sleepy again.  For instance, read your boring textbook!

I hope these ideas are helpful.  Thanks for asking!

Answering Your Questions
For the next few posts, I'll be answering some letters with educational information, plus my opinions and suggestions.   My information is meant to inform, not to diagnose or treat in any way!  Please remember, as always, to use common sense and to check with your doctor if medical or psychiatric issues are involved.  


Why Do I Only Remember Bad Dreams?
Someone recently wrote to me with this question.   "For instance," she said, "I had a dream that the world was ending and I couldn't find my son.  I could only remember the negative parts."

In general, only remembering the negative aspects of dreams could happen because those are the emotionally compelling parts of the dream.  They get your attention!  They are memorable even when you are groggy and just waking up!

I typically work with dreams either by viewing them as extensions of waking life, or by looking at each element of the dream as representing some part of myself.  Using the extensions of waking life approach,  you could look at the dream about the world ending by checking your ongoing daily life.  Are there areas that are changing, coming to an end?  Is some part of your personal world being transformed with an ending and new beginning?  Have there been issues of feeling disconnected with your son in real life?  Has he recently been "lost" even if only playing hide and seek?  Such dream fragments can be confusing and disturbing until you connect them with your daily reality and begin to understand the bigger picture.  What is your subconscious trying to reflect to you with these messages?

Looking at each element of the dream as a part of yourself is fairly similar in this case.  If it were my dream . . . .  If the world is a part of me, it is vast and complex.  Perhaps it represents my entire consciousness, a huge and rich playground.  But if it is ending, how can I relate to that?  In what way is my consciousness coming to  an end point?  And end to old ways of thinking and being?  A major shift underway?  Letting go of old ways to make room for new?  My son represents some part of me as well  -- childlike innocence and playfulness come to mind.  Exploring, curiosity, discovery.  If this were my dream, it might indicate my worries about losing my innocence, playfulness, sense of exploring and discovering.  Maybe I've become too serious and focused on work and responsibilities.

I hope these reflections get you brainstorming about the meanings of your dreams, whether positive or negative!

Nightmares and Sleeping on the Back
"Is it true that you only have nightmares when sleeping on your back?" 

Not at all.  You can have nightmares sleeping in any position.  A few people report having nightmares more often when sleeping on their backs.  One possible cause might be sleep apnea, when the person stops breathing for many seconds and literally wakes him or herself up again to start breathing again.  The theory is that the person has a nightmare to help wake up in order to breathe.  If you snore a lot, or if your spouse or partner says you sometimes stop breathing, you might want to ask your doctor for a referral to a sleep clinic and get checked for sleep apnea.


My personal theory (not research based) is that sleeping on our backs, belly up, we might unconsciously feel more vulnerable and therefore have more nightmares.  Since almost everyone moves around, changing positions every twenty minutes or so in sleep, the only way to test nightmares and back sleeping would be to write down the nightmare and your sleeping position each and every time it happens, probably for several months.  Who is awake enough after a nightmare to do this? 


Feeling Awake but Can't Move or Open Eyes
"What does it mean when I am asleep but it feels like I am awake because I can hear what's going on around me but I can't open my eyes or move until someone calls my name and shakes me?"


You are describing the weird-feeling but very common phenomenon of  "sleep paralysis."  During Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep, which happens when you are dreaming, several times a night, your body muscles are paralyzed.  The theory is that this stops us from thrashing around and acting out our dreams and possibly hurting ourselves or others.  You are partly awake early in the morning, yet still in the shallow REM sleep state with your muscles locked in place.  If you just think about it for a minute, and let your body and brain catch up with your awake mind, you'll be able to move normally.  


People who do thrash around and act out their dreams are often diagnosed with REM sleep disorder.

Past Life Awareness: Interesting but Not Necessary

Could you comment on past life regressions?
Today in a wide-ranging discussion that began with sleep and dreams, a student asked for my comments on past life regressions. I answered that I had facilitated quite a few of them, and had seen one person profoundly shift her personality expression as a result, but there are easier ways to get past life information if you want it.

What I didn't say, as that discussion expanded to other questions from other students, is that I don't believe past life information is necessary for personal or spiritual growth.

Let me explain a little more . . .
"Past lives" or past embodiments of our souls are a part of my working reality. I read about the great religions of the world when I was 14 doing a research project for a class, and instantly felt an understanding and appreciation of the concept of reincarnation, as well as the ultimate oneness of God that expresses differently through many religions. For many years, I simply sat with these thoughts. The East Texas Bible Belt was not a place for easy conversation about such heretical ideas!

When I was about 30, reflecting on various personal dilemmas in prayer and meditation, I spontaneously began receiving past life information about myself, as simple but profoundly meaningful inner awareness. (For the many people who do not believe in past lives, it might be helpful to think of past life descriptions as metaphors for the lessons we are learning in this life.)

This moment is the choice point
In truth, this life right here and right now is what counts, for here we are at choice, every moment, for where we focus and what we do.

For me, the main value in knowing about any past existence is to help me understand some particular situation or personality pattern that I'm dealing with now. Right now, this moment, I have the power to change how I respond to myself or to others around me. I can choose loving and forgiveness. I can choose win-win negotiations. I can choose to let go of my complaining and victimhood and find the good in the situation. I can take care of myself and help take care of others. I can aim for the highest good for all concerned in any given situation, to the best of my ability. When I'm confused, I can ask for clarity and understanding. I can ask for the Christ-Light to guide me.

Bringing a bit of the past into the now moment
At times, a glimpse of the past (this life or some other) gives my mind a "reason" to explain some of the inequalities and imbalanced situations in my world. Flashes to some other existence can often help me quickly get the bigger picture, seeing how I have been far from perfect in my lesson plan on the planet, and recognizing what I need to learn to move forward now. Which brings me back to the present moment of awareness, choice, and action. In this moment, I am responsible for my continuing learning, growth and upliftment.

We don't have to have past life awareness to make wise, kind and loving choices in the present moment. In my experience with many deeply spiritual friends, some relate easily to the idea of past lives and receive value from this type of awareness. Others could care less about previous existences and find their inspiration and answers in the practical, logical or intuitive assessment of this life. "This life is quite enough, thank you very much," they seem to say.

Past life awareness can bring change in the present life
The beautiful woman who changed her personality so radically, started by wanting to overcome her fear and avoidance of men. She experienced a very uncomfortable past life as a child prostitute in the middle ages, forced to this lifestyle for survival, hating herself, hating men. During our session, she came to a place of acceptance, understanding and inner peace about this broken life. Two years later, she shared that in the three months or so after our session, she started wearing dresses instead of black pants and a white shirt; she let her closely cropped hair grow long; she relaxed and stopped being afraid of men; she had her first date at age 28. She had been happily married for over a year and was expecting her first child!

The power of belief
As with so many topics in psychology, what a person believes strongly influences what she experiences. Each one of us is living uniquely to fulfill our own curriculum for life. While our beliefs can and do change, it seems to me that they tend to be perfectly matched to our particular needs for learning and growth in the moment. That is, if we need to learn to overcome being a victim, we will hold plenty of beliefs that we are a victim, and have opportunities (challenges) to make new choices and gain new and different experiences as a consequence.

Be here now
Whatever we believe based on cultural, religious or family factors or very personal individual experiences, we can also believe in the power to choose again right now, for the better, for the highest good. That belief in the power to choose and to change creates tremendous freedom. Regardless of what we may have experienced in hypothetical or real past existences, as Ram Das wrote in the sixties, all we can truly do is, "Be here now."

Streamlining Maintenance Activities for Success

I spent much of today cooking, so I won't have to cook much next week. It will simplify my life, allowing more time for things I value during the week. Therefore, I declare today a giant success!

In only a couple of hours, I roasted a 10 pound turkey (from my freezer, bought on special last Thanksgiving), made a huge carrot and raisin salad, cut up celery and cucumber for noshing, and made some of my yummy date treats for healthy desserts and snacks.

To go with tender hot turkey tonight, I roasted slices of sweet potato with paprika, and asparagus with coarse black pepper. The turkey carcass has simmered for a couple of hours, is chilling in my garage since refrigerator space was limited, and tomorrow will be transformed into soup, mostly to be frozen for upcoming weeks.

How can you streamline some of your household tasks such as cooking, shopping or cleaning, so you will be more organized and have more time for study, creative expression and play?

Seven Tips for Releasing Toxic Relationships

Recently, I had conversations with a few people who all wanted to learn how to let go of a toxic relationship.

Here are some clues, some tips, some food for thought, and an invitation to do whatever releasing you do with utmost compassion for yourself! These are strategies I've learned, mostly from personal experience. I've als0 used them with counseling clients quite a few times. These are not easy, but they are effective.

For my readers, here is the lasered version. The key is, these tips work if you work them. They are not overnight cure-alls. Not every tip will work for every person. But if you choose a process that sounds like it fits for you and stick with it for about a month, you are likely to realize good results.

Here is what doesn't work: choose a strategy, do it today and decide it didn't provide a major change so it is worthless. Pick another for the next day and chuck it for the same reasons. Decide I don't know what I'm talking about and continue doing what you've been doing that brings you misery. Depending on whether you are accustomed to inner work with yourself, these may take some practice. If you are dealing with your own mental health issues or have gone through a dramatic or violent relationship, you should consider professional counseling/psychotherapy help.

Note: I highly recommend that you use a short prayer any time you begin a process, asking that it be for the highest good of yourself and all concerned. Personally, I tend to ask for "Light for the highest good with harm to no one." Some people ask for Light for "this or something better" for the highest good. To me, Light means the Light of God, the highest Light you can possibly imagine.

Tips for Releasing a Toxic Relationship
1. Focus on something other than the person you have broken up with or want to break up with, or who broke up with you. Stay busy with positive, productive activities -- exercise, volunteering, studies, chores, work.

2. Give yourself 10 minutes to worry or grieve about this toxic person. Set a timer. Really get into it if you need to. Then stop! Get busy with your life. Your life is for you. Live it!

3. Love yourself. This is an incredibly powerful strategy if you will do it consistently. A wonderful beginning for transforming your relationship with yourself is to do this simple practice daily for five or six weeks. Keep track on a calendar. If you miss a day, start over!

Look in a mirror, into your own eyes, and tell yourself (Your Name), "I love you."

It may not be easy at first. When I first did this, day one and two were ho-hum. Nothing of note happened. But for at least the next week, every unlovable thought about myself popped to the surface and made it hard to say and to believe in that "I love you." After that phase, it got easier and downright delightful.

The reason it is important to stick with this process for several weeks is that you are training your conscious and unconscious mind in a new habit, a new way of thinking about yourself. The unconscious especially likes repetition and routine, and will cooperate more fully when you are really consistent with your new "instructions" to yourself.

4. Do journal writing about what you are learning about yourself and your life from this painful or toxic experience. What do you want or need to do differently? What are the causes or triggers of your involvement in this relationship? How did you get into it? You can trace your way back out the same way you went in.

5. Be a neutral loving observer of your own process. Research at the University of Texas and several other universities is showing that self-compassion is a huge key for resilience and recovery in challenging situations such as ending a relationship. Watch and learn and grow from what it happening. And be very gentle and kind with yourself.

6. Forgive yourself for any self-judgments about your participation in this relationship. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as needing this painful experience in some way. Forgive yourself for judging your "poor" choices and any other self-judgments that spring to mind. This is another extremely powerful tool when you do it. Five minutes before bedtime on a consistent basis could be very helpful. Say your statements of self-forgiveness silently, inwardly, or out loud, or write them in your journal. Watch for the shift in your energy that lets you know you've moved from doing these statements mechanically to really letting the forgiveness in. You start to feel lighter, more clear inside.

7. Learn about co-dependent relationships. If you feel you need to apologize for your own anger toward this person, stop! Look at the pattern or dynamic between you. Do you feel victimized and hurt, then get angry and lash out at the other person? Then you feel a need to rescue him or her and make it all okay again because you are rather desperate for love and approval? Get hold of any of the good books about co-dependent relationships and read. Or try Co-dependents Anonymous to learn to release the mental and emotional habits that keep you trapped in unhealthy relationships.

Bonus Tip:
8. Cut the energy between you. More and more research is showing the power of the mind over the emotions and even over physical healing of the body. Beliefs are amazingly powerful. Here is a simple process using your creative imagination, based on ancient Hawaiian beliefs about the aka cords or energetic connections between people.

Do this one when you are emotionally ready to release the other person. Do it as many times as necessary if the attachment seems to reoccur.

Ask for Light for the highest good for this process, with harm to no one. Vividly imagine (see, feel, or talk to yourself about) a golden cord between you and the person you want to release, usually from the area of your stomach to the area of their stomach. Now imagine a large pair of golden shears in your hand, and cut the cord between you, near your stomach. Take the end still attached to the other person and send it back to them. Now imagine that you are being filled with a beautiful clear Light from the highest heavens, healing and restoring you. Now get up and do something useful in your life!

I hope some of these tips are useful. Feel free to post a comment about how they work for you, or with questions.

All the best to you!

50 Really Useful Things I Learned from Mom

My mother is having a big birthday soon. As I prepared to send her card this morning, I wanted to write a poem or somehow say something special. But when I scratched out my thoughts, the words were too schmaltzy and didn't say what I wanted. So I thought to thank her by listing a few of the many things I learned from her.

A big part of my success as a human being is thanks to my wonderful mother! Plus, I certainly learned about loving while toddling at her side!

1. Respect yourself.
2. Take care of yourself.
3. Have fun.
4. Reading is fun!
5. Life is good.
6. You can be and do anything you really want.
7. Don’t be kissing boys in public.
8. Be nice to everyone.
9. Lock up your valuables.
10. Smile like you mean it, with your eyes.
11. Keep plenty of food on hand.
12. Put things back where you got them.
13. Indulge yourself from time to time.
14. Stay in touch with your family.
15. Maple syrup and pecans on vanilla ice cream are yummy!
16. Keep on loving in spite of disappointments and hurts.
17. Be proud of your good work.
18. Baking soda in water settles the tummy.
19. Laugh a lot, life is funny!
20. Back rubs are fabulous!
21. If you don’t understand, ask.
22. Choose good people for friends.
23. Think ahead and be prepared.
24. Check toilet seats before you sit.
25. How to tell a good story.
26. Play fair.
27. Help is available, just ask.
28. Be creative.
29. Help each other.
30. Bargains are better.
31. Let people grow in their own way.
32. Brush your teeth and bathe.
33. Tell the truth, except about ugly hats.
34. Fold up a clean sheet of paper and make a budget.
35. Save some money.
36. Make your bed every day.
37. Hold onto your purse and your keys.
38. How to cook a pecan pie.
39. Always do your best.
40. A little of this and a little of that can be good, but sometimes you need to follow the recipe!
41. It’s okay to get mad, then get over it.
42. Always wear clean undies.
43. Work hard and save some money.
44. Be gracious when your partner misbids.
45. A lousy experience makes a funny story!
46. Clean up after yourself.
47. Stay out of bad places.
48. Use coupons and buy loss leaders.
49. Be true to yourself.
50. A wonderful mother is the best gift. You’re it!